Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

[Bella8209]

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

Being happy in a child free marriage isn't the point here. OP just wants her DH to step up his game with family life. When your in love & in a happy marriage its mostly natural to want to have a baby together although there needs to be the desire along with a strong maternal instinct. Personally I couldn't imagine a life without my amazing children but its not for everyone.

Wow op he basically treats you like his support human.

He sounds like he does very little parenting or chores.

What is the point of him exactly? What does he bring to the marriage?

Yeah... he's bad.

I would start by telling him he HAD to be back for you to go to your fortnightly hobby. I'd be reminding him that morning, and 30mins before he needed to be leaving work to be home on time. I'd be making it massively clear to him that not enabling this was a very clear line of disrespect. If he can't do that then I'd say you don't have a marriage worth saving.

Next I'd drop all him related chores. He cleans up his own mess, does his own washing etc.

I'd then allocate him some time with the kids he has to stick to, and some chores he must do. Again it's a sign of respect.

I doubt he's going to change though OP, and if he does it will be for a year, then it will return. He basically doesn't care enough about you or his kids.

Of course he could quit! If he was sick he'd have to!

This will escalate I bet. He will be doing more and more out of the house. This arrangement suits him and it's crippling you. But he doesn't care because it's good for him.

Stop doing his stuff. No laundry, no meals. If he wants to be a single man he can fend for himself. I'm angry in your behalf. He's treating you like a convenience and his DC like an inconvenience. And then no doubt in years to come he'll moan that his DC aren't interested in him.

He is the personification of selfish.

I feel your pain. My husband is obsessed with his hobby and it’s one of the things we argue about frequently but nothing changes. If anything it has got worse over the years because he can now partake in most of his hobby at home, but it does take him away from the house too for many hours. My husband has taken a less demanding job so as soon as he's home he will get on with his hobby, refuses to cook, do DIY and cleaning, he becomes totally obsessed and it’s like an massive addiction. In my experience things will never change, the more I tell my husband how much I hate it, the more he does it…I’ve tried the whole not cooking ; washing his clothes; and giving him ultimatums but again doesn’t work. Ive been told by him to get a hobby but as I’m doing all the childcare and everything else it makes it somewhat difficult! I’ve often thought about a divorce and just biding my time.

A lot of men are fine until the DC arrive, then they fall back into more traditional family ways. He thinks if he works long hours then most of the rest of his time is his own. It's time he knew that the DC are not your hobby, that he needs to do more and sacrifice his golf or whatever until his DC are older. If your DC are already noticing his absence then it's time for him to make a choice.

It's one thing for an adult to accept and tolerate a partner whose priority is his hobbies, but to allow him to ignore his children and be a shit absent, disinterested father, while living in the family home is so awful. It absolutely marks the children for life.

I have friends that had fathers like this and it impacted their adult relationship with them.
As one said when her mother died and her father was expecting to be helped, he played golf for my entire childhood, I haven't a notion of spending time away from my children helping him, he can pay for help.

His priority is clearly himself and his hobby, he's the star of his own show, you and the children are just props to facilitate his life and make him look good.
I would make a solid plan in private and then cut him loose so he can fully immerse himself in his hobbies, on his own without support.
Then you can go and live your best life and focus on yourself and your children.

@dutysuite What do you mean, it doesn't work? Surely he does his own laundry and cooking now? Sure, it's not going to turn him into a prince.....its not a magic wand but whilst you're figuring out whether to leave him or not (and you definitely should), the domestic burden isn't solely yours now.

He is being selfish and prioritising his own needs. Life changes when you have children and he needs to realise that!

Because whether he is now doing his own laundry or not he is still obsessed with his hobby, therefore it hasn’t really solved the root of the issue.

Hey,

Was looking for something else and stumbled across this. Dad here. Late 30s with a 3 year old. Sorry don’t know all the acronyms mumsnet uses so going to type this without them.

This guy seems to be taking the p*. I’m not sure how he’s getting away with it. I mean there’s nothing I’d like more than to spend a few hours a week at the bouldering wall but I’m certain my wife wouldn’t put up with that sh** and I’d be a single dad of one who sees my son half the week!

My wife and I worked out the following system on the advice of one of my directors (FTSE listed company), he does this with his wife and 2 kids and if he can find the time and run a billion pound company then I’m sure anybody can.

Monday evening).Just split the week 50/50. He does one week mornings and following week evenings. We tried that but I didn’t like re-acclimatising each week (easier to say to your mates let’s climb every

So now Monday, Wednesday, Friday I do mornings and Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday evenings. Sundays are together.

If I’m on mornings I’m responsible for getting him up, milk, get ready and drop him off to nursery. My wife has a lie in. If I’m on evenings I pick him up, make dinner, bathe him and put him to bed.

We do trade if required and more often than not end up doing a lot of things together but I know if I want to meet friends or go climb or grab a drink after work, Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings I’m free.

We do our own laundry and if his laundry basket is too full next person that notices it sticks in the the wash. TBF my wife notices that more than I do, but promise that’s just me not being very observant.

Seems like you've pointed out a needed adjustment in your routine, @Nettdad - check his laundry basket more often. In fact, check it every day.

It’s not just about this though, is it? Even if he was pulling his weight and allowing OP her own time to do a hobby, he still clearly has no interest in spending time with his young family at weekends and in the evening.

I think that says it all OP, never mind the chores.

I meant until his commitment runs out. I agree there's more to the problem.

Thank you. It’s nice to hear a male perspective too. He will never be able to help in the mornings as he starts work before the kids have to get up. On weekends, he lies in until I kick him to get up and help. Unless of course he has a tournament to go to in which case he jumps at his alarm 🙄

@Bella8209 please reframe your thinking and speech - he’s not required to ‘help’, he has to do HIS FAIR SHARE!!

You'd have more time for you if you were single and he had them every other weekend. The kids would probs have more quality time with him too… some food for thought!!

What is the hobby? Is it playing with Warhammer figurines?

Wtf would any man want to spend other men cycling or no cycling over his family. I'd be ok get your lycra on & enjoy, now FO

@Bella8209

On weekends, he lies in until I kick him to get up and help. Unless of course he has a tournament to go to in which case he jumps at his alarm 🙄

This says it all really doesn't OP.

What a prick!

And his behaviour is teaching your children that it's fundamentally a woman's job to take responsibility for cooking, cleaning and childcare while it's a man's job to do the bits he can be arsed to as long as it doesn't impact his hobby.

Let that fuel your decision about what you're willing to tolerate and what is a dealbreaker.

Sorry he's so selfish, it's so depressing and so completely unfair to you.

Buy in help
He pays

It is NOT a partnership.

Time for a change.

He must be aware that if you did as little parenting as he does then your children would be suffering massive, massive neglect. Why does he think it's OK for him to behave like this?

Equal leisure time, OP. You've presumably banked a few thousand hours that he's stolen from you. He can start doing what you usually do from now on, and you can do what he's been doing for the last few years. What's good for the goose, and all that. (I'm not suggesting you actually do this, but I'd be interested to hear his justification for why you shouldn't or why it wouldn't be fair. He doesn't get to say it wouldn't be fair on his team, by the way. The question is whether it's fair on his wife and children.)