Husband’s hobby destroying marriage

[Bella8209]

Im wondering how much a partners hobby is too much? I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable. He has a hobby which takes him out 2-3 evenings a week, sometimes more and usually one full day of a weekend, sometimes 2 over the summer months. He works 4 days a week. We’ve 2 primary age kids . I work 3 days a week in a pretty physically demanding job and have to do all the housework, meal prep, shopping, organise kids for school plus extra activities such as swimming/dancing/brownies etc. He’ll do chores if I ask when he’s here but if the house is in a state or there’s washing piling up, he never takes initiative to help. I’m absolutely drowning. I brought it up tonight again and was flabbergasted at his response. He doesn’t think the amount he’s out is excessive? So I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable? I have a hobby which takes me out for 90 mins once a fortnight. But I don’t always get to that if he’s not home from work in time. This isn’t new this year, it’s been like this for years, but I’m just worn down more than ever. I really don’t want to tear the family apart but I feel I’d be happier on my own with the kids. How much is too much to be our? How often are other’s husbands out?

My husband was similar, he saw no issue with rugby training twice a week (obviously right over bedtime) and then fucking off all day to a match over the weekend. Plus he also worked a lot of weekends with his job so I was getting seriously shafted.

It caused a lot of problems in our marriage. He's scaled it back now but I put up with it for far too long.

How sad your kids will be realising Daddy doesn’t want to spend time with them

DH and I are both cyclists. We still cycle but much less now we are parents.

We absolutely prioritise time with DC and cycling comes second to that.

A guy in our cycling club rides obsessively, often both days at weekends (out all day) plus in the week. His kids are about 9/10 now so old enough to see the situation for what it is. Every time we see him I always say to DH afterwards I bet his kids hate him and I have NO IDEA why his wife (who is lovely) hasn’t left!!

His hobby isn’t the problem, the problem is the unequal division of household labour. My DH has a hobby takes the similar time but he does an equal amount of house and kid stuff, and there is no way I’d tolerate him being home late so I miss my hobby.

Aside from you h taking the piss and that's the issue here- the lack of parity. However If you only work 3d a week and have two primary aged kids I don't see how you are drowning ? And he only works 4d. That's pretty part time household income.

I am solo parent work ft 50-60 hrs per week and have two kids same as you. If I had two extra spare days I'd be living the life of Riley !

Focus of the fairness here.

So he has made a choice and he hasn't just chosen to carry on his bachelor life - he dipped for a while then made the choice his hobby is more important to him than you and his children.

"Next year" there will be some other reason to defer until you find another five years have continued like the last five - one at a time with "next year" being better.

I've known women in this situation who found life easier after becoming single parents as they just had their actual children to consider and not a self centred man child. A whole layer of stress and frustration was removed.

The hobby is not destroying your marriage, your husband is destroying your marriage. Unless he starts prioritising you, your children and your home, he will find there isn’t a marriage left.

@Bella8209 I've re-read your posts a couple of times.

First things first. I don't think your husband will change. He is a fundamentally selfish man who loves golf (or whatever his hobby is) more than he loves you and your children.

I would recommend you do the following, in order to give him one last chance to save his marriage and his family on the off chance that he does care, and so that he can't say you pulled the rug out from under his feet in the very likely event that your marriage does end in divorce.

First of all, I would write down all the things you do for the home and family (every load of laundry, every meal, shop, bath and bedtime for the kids, life admin, buying birthday presents, taking kids to parties, putting petrol in the car, whatever you can think of), and everything he does. I would also write down, as you have here, how many hours per week he spends on his hobby, and how many hours a week you get to spend on yours, or on doing anything for yourself, provided he comes home from work in time which he often doesn't. Write it down and show it to him. Say, "I am absolutely flabbergasted that you think the amount of time you spend playing golf is reasonable and I wanted to write it down for you in black and white and hear you justify it."

Ask him how many tournaments he has currently entered and then ask him to drop out of half of them. He can drop out of them. Of course he can. If he broke his leg he would presumably have to drop out of all of them. The sky will not fall in. The tournaments will continue in his absence. Tell him that if he ever takes on another role on the committee your marriage will be over. Tell him that if you separate, he and the children will not see each other any less than they currently do, but you will have the opportunity to live a different life. A life without a husband who has checked out of family life. A life with the potential to meet someone else who actually loves, values and respects you and wants to spend time with you.

He might not think the amount of time he spends playing golf is excessive, but you do, and you're not willing to live like this, so the choice is his. It's golf, or his family. He cannot continue to have his cake and eat it.

The next thing I would do is see a solicitor. Find out what you could be entitled to in the event of a divorce. Get advice about what to do now to protect yourself. And have a divorce petition drawn up and ready to go. I am not a divorce lawyer but would be tempted to divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour, because his behaviour is very very unreasonable. In the particulars on the divorce petition you will be able to spell out how he has consistently prioritised golf over his marriage to the point where there is nothing left to save.

Then if he doesn't listen, you wait until the day after a big golf tournament and you serve it on him and ask him to move out.

If that doesn't make him change his ways, nothing will, and you can get on with building a life without him.

One day he will be sitting old and alone in a retirement home somewhere with grown up children who don't visit, and let's hope he thinks the golf was worth it.

From your update post I get a sense that underneath it all, your heart is already done with the relationship but your head is not there yet.

I suspect growing resentment will continue either on your part if nothing changes, or on his if he is pursued to change.

What do you mean by he is “helping”? Is it not his house too? How on earth did you end up like this!?

You don’t owe him staying. He’s making choices every day, and sure he won’t be president next year, but that’s not because he’s choosing to prioritise his family (to occasionally not put them last anyway). You don’t owe him anything. If you’re done, because just about every choice he’s made for years has been based on the premise that the family and house are your problem and optional for him, that seeing his children is optional and so hes opted out, then you’re done. Seems fair to me.

Can I just point one thing out? Stop saying things like ‘he helps out them to bed’. He isn’t ‘helping’, he is doing a perfectly normal parental role. When he does something with/for his children or in the house, it isn’t helping. He doesn’t look after them ‘for you’. This sort of mindset is how men are able to get what they want, because you should be grateful to them for ‘helping’.

Also, as I said earlier as an ex golf-widow, he absolutely fucking can pull out of tournaments. It’s annoying because of the way they partner but there are always other men ready and willing to take part, I’ve seen men who have never played golf be slathering to join in at the exclusive club stuff.

If you do the laundry, no longer touch his fancy golf clothes. Do not launder them at all. Leave them in a pile on his side of the room to deal with. And again, be firm - either he changes, or he finds somewhere else to live.

He's not going to change. I am sorry.

I think you need to say either he cuts right back now and does his share or you are going to have to work out how your lives will look separated.

Presumably people drop out of tournaments due to injury so he can drop out due to personal circumstances. It's only his selfishness that says he "has" to keep going. Ditto the club president (it's golf isn't it?).

Id be wary that separated hed just do nothing for the family. It doesn't sound like he would want custody. Does he want his children to see him as a father? What would his family think if he abandoned his wife and kids?

if he is willing to change (seems unlikely) Draw up a list of evening responsibilities and chores and divide equally. As for weekends I feel one day every week (all year long?!) Is a pretty big ask. 2 and the weeknights away and you may as well divorce.

Are you sure he isn't having an affair? He could have a whole second family who think he works nights and you wouldn't know?! OK I'm being flippant but still, if you divorced you'd at least get some time where you weren't looking after the dc and there would be no more skiving for him.

Sounds like golf. My dh would love to play golf but he only does it occasionally as he has kids. The vast majority of golfers are retired (kids grown up) or have no kids. He’s a selfish twat and becoming president is completely ridiculous if he has kids.

IF he was able to make a significant contribution to the household I think one or two evenings and one morning at weekend (early tee time so he’s home about lunch) is reasonable but your dh doing f all at home is not acceptable and I would be seriously telling him that you will no longer be his servant. You’re his wife and if he doesn’t pull his weight he’s out.

I do wonder if this amazingly important man would lift a finger at home even if he quit all golf tho….

It’s not his hobby ruining your marriage, it’s him

He works 4 days a week what's he doing on the 5 th day? Nothing to help by the sound of it

Help is the wrong word, should have ended sentence with nothing

There’s no fixed amount of time that parents should spend on hobbies, as long as it’s equal. If you spent 3 evenings and a full day at the weekend doing your own hobby, what would that look like for your family?

More fool you is so blunt and brutal but honestly op, it's kinda right. I'm saying it with kindness and solidarity, even if it doesn't sound like it. Stop doing all the domestic shit for him. Really, why on earth are you doing all his laundry and cooking? Just stop. Seriously. Tell him to do his bloody own. It's really not your responsibility or job to do stuff like this. I bet if you start to withdraw domestic labour and start sticking up for yourself, he'll be gone because he's taking you for a fool and you're letting it happen.

If money's not tight, I'd say he needs to fund help around the house to take it to 50/50. You shouldn't be doing more of the chores than your fair share, OP.

You are right OP . His hobby and his attitude is destroying your marriage

Its easy to say but you need to vote with your feet. Stop making things comfortable for him.

You deserve time Your own time
What does he actually do during his 3 days off to support family life ? Does he take the kids too & from school ? Take them to activities? Housework etc?

Write it all down and have a serious conversation. Solutions need to be found now , not after his tournaments or the end of his Presidency.
Your sanity and this marriage won’t last another year x

I wouldn't sit down and schedule it, just start doing it. It's the only way this situation is going to change, that or divorce papers.

I’ve been this woman. Man child cyclist husband .. cycling 5-6 times a week. Early mornings somtimes so couldn’t help kids to school / evenings after work and weekend mornings huge cycles then ice baths and exhausted hungry and grumpy after. I did everything in home / kids. One evening I crashed the car reversing out of kids activity pick up. Rang for help - couldn’t answer on bike… I turned started standing up for myself. His response “I need this hobby for my mental health you are free to do the same “. Problem - who would mind the kids when we’re both not around ??? End result we split - his work and hobby still his king and the kids now teenagers don’t bother with him. They see him for the self centred extremely selfish man he was / is. I did everything anyway And my home is much happier without him. How I hated all those bikes / shoes / gear. He also used to spend hours cleaning the wheels on his 10k road bike. Man child - get rid. It’s hurtful and soul destroying - you and your kids deserve better. Good luck !

He sounds so selfish. If he comes home and sees you exhausted (like close to tears) does he show any compassion? Just wondering is he addicted to this hobby/activity?

I read this & became annoyed on your behalf OP. I wouldn't tolerate DH spending this amout of time out on his bike socialising while I take on the main responsibility of family life with everything it involves. I can't understand why your DH thinks this is acceptable.

Tell him he has a choice.

A, you split up and each get the children 50:50. One week about each

B, you stay together and each gets the same amount of leisure time - equal to the last minute. Add that choose and mental load and ferrying kids will be also be split equally.

There really isn’t an alternative if you want to be happy, OP.