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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset our children are not invited

278 replies

droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 06:45

I am sure this subject has been done to death but my dh niece is having a meal for her 21st birthday.
They will be eating at 6 prompt as the 'youngsters' want to go into town for the rest of the eve.It is being held at a crap cheap Beefeater place.
We have no sitters that eve and my dh's sister and her husband (who are paying) have said 'they made the decision that it was an adult do and they dont want little ones running about - dont take it personally'
We are the only people invited with little ones.
The niece would like the children to be there.
AIBU to be really upset and cross that they have this attitude ? We are now uanble to go as have no sitters.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 10/04/2008 10:23

I think I would have just said "Oh sorry, we can't get babysitters, why don't we meet here instead and I'll cook?"

Do you think they might agree to that? I'm sure it would be much nicer

elliott · 10/04/2008 10:25

I still think its not really about excluding the children, I'm sure it is all about the mother of the niece and her relationship with her brother and parents. For some reason it is very important to her that the other cousins aren't there. DOB definietly justified in feeling upset, but needs to rise above it to retain the moral high ground!

Upwind · 10/04/2008 10:25

The party is for the niece - when you throw a party, or even a small family gathering, do you always invite all of your cousins?

I think the OP is just looking for an excuse to cause grief in her DH's family. It is particularly low to do it around a 21st birthday celebration, which her SIL has been kind enough to invite them to, despite their poor relationship.

Freckle · 10/04/2008 10:25

Don't you think it's being a little obtuse to insist, when we are clearly talking about a small close family celebration, on including every type of function, birthday celebration, invitation?

Youcannotbeserious · 10/04/2008 10:25

Or invite everyone round to yours for a drink before the meal?

You could even suggest to the SIL in law that you have drinks at 5:30 and they eat a little later (probably nicer anyway)

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 10:26

I really fancy steak and chips now

TheFallenMadonna · 10/04/2008 10:27

Or - you could not try to organise it all yourself, one of you go with a good grace or both send apologies and a present, and make sure when you organise family parties, you do then the way you want...

Youcannotbeserious · 10/04/2008 10:29

mmm... Steak and Chips........

Mind you, I rarely stop eating these days!!

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 10:30

mmm those little skinny fries with loads of salt on

and a big juicy steak with a grilled tomato

there is a time and a place for a Beefeater I think

(although not a grown-up 21st birthday dinner, I have to agree with the OP about that)

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 10:34

It's not really the point if the niece is 'sobbing into her babycham', it was the SIL who didn't invite the dc's. And maybe the niece is actually a lovely girl who loves her baby cousins and would love to see them.
My dh's niece is 18 and adores my dc's and would love to have them at her celebration, she wouldn't expect to take them on a pub crawl though.

And as for 'you can't invite everyone to your party', well that's just silly, no one is expecting SIL to invite everyone she has ever met but this is close, immediate family and she must know that if DOB can't get a babysitter then her or dh couldn't go. Now, if you have a family party and don't invite close family, that's just awful and it says alot about that person.

And if I did that that I would expect some sort of animosity.

Upwind · 10/04/2008 10:35

Do you really consider your cousins close family?

elliott · 10/04/2008 10:37

In my family, like in this one, there are only three cousins, so yes, we consider my niece to be close family, and vice versa (she has no siblings so my kids are the only blood relative she has in her generation).
I don't consider my own cousins close though.

cestlavie · 10/04/2008 10:37

Well yes, this has sort of been done to death - see the various wedding/ no-children fights threads for starters not to mention the "Am I a bit too precious demented concerned about my children" threads as well...

For what it's worth, it always seems to me that if people are having a party/ gathering it is entirely up to them who they do and don't invite, in particular regarding children. If they don't want children there, that is their right. We don't have the right to expect our children to be invited everywhere or to foist them where they're not wanted just because we think the world revolves around them.

We, for example, are invited to a family birthday party this weekend which is also at an incredibly inconvenient time and many miles from home so we basically can't go. This is a shame but we certainly don't expect them to shift things around so it's good for us.

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 10:40

if I was inviting my brother to a family party I wouldn't exclude his children - especially if I'd travelled across the country to be nearer him/them for the evening - there is only about 8 people in the family, it is very SMALL

Freckle · 10/04/2008 10:44

Well, I consider my nieces and nephews to be close family. And, when I was growing up, my cousins were very close to us. We don't see so much of them these days as we are fairly widely flung.

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 10:45

Exactly morningpaper

Saveme · 10/04/2008 10:47

Am I the only one who finds small children tedious company in restuarants?

I mean, all the cutting up of food, taking them to the toilet etc etc..

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 10:49

No backlash as that's what you seem to want.

elliott · 10/04/2008 10:50

I think families are a bit more complicated than 'its my right to invite who I want'. That's why these occasions (and weddings and Christmas too for taht matter) are so often flash points for conflicts and rivalries. Clearly yes SIL does not HAVE to invite these children, but in doing so it is entirely predictable that it will cause upset. And really, no one chooses there guest list in a bubble do they? One is usually (acutely) aware of how people may feel if they are included/excluded.

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 10:52

This is a Beefeater though, cutting up meat is hardly going to sully the experience

Saveme · 10/04/2008 10:53

Meee-ow!

Can we all now add Beefeater to the same list that has Fruitshoots and Gregg's sausage rolls on it?

Yawn

Freckle · 10/04/2008 10:53

Snort. Just opt for the chicken nuggets instead and let them use their fingers.

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 10:54

There's a time and a place for a Beefeater and in my hungover state I would REALLY LIKE to be in one now TBH

But it's a family venue innit

Saveme · 10/04/2008 10:55

MP, you're funny

Youcannotbeserious · 10/04/2008 10:55

Saveme - I absolutely agree with you........ but (to be fair) that does fly in the face of wanting to go to a BeefEater in the first place - isn't the place likely to be crawling with rugrats running between tables to the ballpit and generally covering anything in sight with clag from the Ice-cream factory???

ANyway, I'm almost past caring about the OP now.... My mind is firmly on juicy steak and skinny fries, and onion rings and peas and sweetcorn... and >

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