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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be upset our children are not invited

278 replies

droopyoldbird · 09/04/2008 06:45

I am sure this subject has been done to death but my dh niece is having a meal for her 21st birthday.
They will be eating at 6 prompt as the 'youngsters' want to go into town for the rest of the eve.It is being held at a crap cheap Beefeater place.
We have no sitters that eve and my dh's sister and her husband (who are paying) have said 'they made the decision that it was an adult do and they dont want little ones running about - dont take it personally'
We are the only people invited with little ones.
The niece would like the children to be there.
AIBU to be really upset and cross that they have this attitude ? We are now uanble to go as have no sitters.

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 10/04/2008 09:50

Saveme - your post of 9.46 made an excellent point.

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:53

Children are well aware that they aren't invited to everything

Only last night I kissed them goodnight an informed them I was leaving for a karaoke party with all their friends' mummies . They were most annoyed

(have v. sore throat today)

Youcannotbeserious · 10/04/2008 09:54

Sorry - MP and Saveme! It's the hormones!! Rambling idiot that I am

Anyway, Yes - He was talking about 'us' getting married. God, it was just the most hideous thing!!!

the posts here just reminded me of him producing this 'list' of people, and there were people on there that he'd been to school with and hadn't seen in 5+ years!!!! (and wasn't that friendly with in the first place!)

I'm sure you are shocked to learn the relationship didn't last longer than a few weeks!!!!

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 09:55

I bet he LOVES facebook

dejags · 10/04/2008 09:57

Poor you Droopyoldbird.

You got a right royal MN arse kicking on this one.

FWIW, if I read between the lines, I can understand your POV.

Not sure if anybody is being unreasonable though. The reactions on here to your OP are quite OTT though .

Freckle · 10/04/2008 09:58

I don't think it is appropriate that my children be invited to every function to which dh and I are invited. Nor do I feel that we have to be invited to every function to which other family members are invited.

However, when there is a family celebration, I do not expect my children to be air-brushed out. They are part of the family and as such should be included, unless it is totally inappropriate. This clearly is not an inappropriate occasion for DOB, as the time and venue are very specifically child-appropriate.

SoupDragon · 10/04/2008 10:03

Is it acceptable to insist all 3 SmallDragons attend a party when only one of them is actually invited then?

elliott · 10/04/2008 10:04

I also can quite see why the op is upset - it sounds like there are only three cousins/grandchildren in this family, two of whom have been specifically excluded from the third's family celebration. It would upset me too. The purpose of family occasions is precisely that the family should be there together.
However, if there is really no room for discussion (and it does sound rather like there is some deep seated sibling rivalry going on - suspect the nub of the problem may be that SIL is jealous of the younger brother here, and doesn't want her daughter being upstaged by brothers kids - I would guess there is a lot of family history going on there!) then I think the op needs to rise above it and really try hard not to show hard feelings. There will be other celebrations. I agree that you might want to invite the niece round to see your kids and give her the present yourself - but just be careful not to make too much of that!

Anna8888 · 10/04/2008 10:05

LOL soupdragon.

When my sister was little, there was a girl in her class whose parents always sent their other younger daughter along to birthday parties (with no invitation or warning). They were the only family in the school that did this.

Odd.

Youcannotbeserious · 10/04/2008 10:08

SoupDragon - I think that sums it up perfectly...........

If my Elder SD gets invited to a party - even if the location / time / proceedings etc., are ALL totally suitable for my younger SD, it doesn't automatically mean I get the hump because younger SD isn't invited!

Freckle · 10/04/2008 10:11

I think some of you are being deliberately obtuse. We are not talking about any and every invitation/party/function, are we? We are talking about a family celebration - which in my book means all the family, not only those above a certain age - particularly when it is at a time and venue totally appropriate for children.

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 10:14

I think people (apart from Freckle) are missing the point of this. The OP isn't saying that her children should be stuck to her hip and attend every single function regardless of suitablility.

She has said that her and her dh enjoy child free time just as nuch as the next person.

The point of this is that it is a small family celebration at the beefeater not the pub not a nightclub, not a meal in a swanky place which starts at 8pm. But at the Beefeater at 6pm which all the close family are invited to.

I would be quite upset if my children were excluded from this event, and let's be clear, I'm not an over reacting, children stuck to me type of mum at all.

The point of this is not to debate whether children should go to everything, and I like the OP do not take the dc's to every function or party, but this particular one is extremely child friendly and quite frankly it sounds as if SIL has made all the arrangement to suit the children and then not invited them!!

It would be totally different if the gathering was at night in a really nice restaurant, then I'm sure the OP wouldn't have a problem with the no kids thing.

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 10:14

Agree with Freckle, I don't understand the points about one child being invited to a party TBH (am I being thick?)

This is about family celebrations that exclude children

SoupDragon · 10/04/2008 10:16

"which in my book means all the family"

OK, so Great Aunt Gertie needs an invite, 2d cousin once removed Angela and Ebeneezer whose relationship is either great-great-Uncle or 3rd cousin, we're not sure.

Upwind · 10/04/2008 10:16

Freckle, when you have a family gathering do you always invite you and DH's aunts and uncles? Their children? Your great aunts and uncles? Their children? Their children's children?

If so you probably have a small family. At some point a line must be drawn.

Upwind · 10/04/2008 10:17

SnapDragon

morningpaper · 10/04/2008 10:17

this is a small family party

for a small family

except the Nasty Children obviously

it isn't about inviting the whole lot, it's about excluding the children

SoupDragon · 10/04/2008 10:19

TBH, I lost any shred of sympathy with the OP when she behaved like a petulant child with all the sniping about the location and grudge-bearing comments.

Freckle · 10/04/2008 10:19

I knew I should have qualified "all the family". You're all being obtuse again .

No of course I don't mean Old Uncle Gertie and all. This particular celebration is close family - the birthday girl, her parents, her aunt and uncle and grandparents and (it should be) her cousins (the children of her aunt and uncle).

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 10:19

Thank you morningpaper!!! At least some people get it.

SoupDragon · 10/04/2008 10:20

Oh, because you don't agree with what we say, we're being obtuse. Right. Fine.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/04/2008 10:21

I get it. But I'm not sure I'd be as upset about it as the OP. And one of us would go to the do.

2GIRLS · 10/04/2008 10:22

I think most of us have, at some point in our lives, behaved like petulent children. It's just giving off. And the Beefeater is crap. And it does sound like her SIL is doing it to be petty or spiteful or whatever, so they were fair comments IMO.

nailpolish · 10/04/2008 10:22

its not exactly the party of the century is it

fgs if hte niece is that bothered (which she wont be, id bet on it) she can be invited to DOB's house for tea at some other point

im sure she wont be sobing into her babycham at the missing relatives

Youcannotbeserious · 10/04/2008 10:23

I can't see what the fuss is about really........ The only thing I really do agree with the OP on is that I wouldn't want to go to a BeefEater either!

All flippancy aside, I think, given a sitter seems to be a non starter, I'd take the kids for a drink, say hi to everyone, give Niece the present / card etc., and then leave.

You are making the effort, get to see everyone and get to have the kids with you..

that's what I'd do.........