DH grumpy all weekend if I don't give him sex

[maggh]

There's a clear correlation.

He expects it every Friday night basically.

If I don't want to or say no, he's super grumpy all weekend. He doesn't talk much, moaps around, doesn't want to do anything, criticises stuff I've left undone at home. Just bad vibes all round.

I honestly wouldn't care if I never had sex again.

I only do it to avoid the moods, never because I want to.

Sometimes I say no, I'm tried or whatever and he just says he hates his life.

He also smokes and says if I ' gave him more sex ' he'd quit.

We have two kids under 5.

I'm feeling very resentful.

He sounds awful and I’d struggle to be in a relationship at all with someone like this. Assuming you don’t want to end the marriage you need to have a serious conversation and tell him if he wants sex again then the way to get you in the mood is by helping out with the children and the house, not criticising or moaning as this is a massive turn off.

He needs to realise that this is to some extent within his control but not in the way he thinks - bribery and moodiness will only push you away further whereas love, respect and kindness are much more likely to make you want to act lovingly towards him. I think if he actually did start acting in a loving and respectful way towards you then you’d start finding him more attractive and feel like you want to sleep with him again.

He’s not leaving because you’re not being honest that sex is off the table for life.They are your feelings so you need to open the conversation about how you feel.

So toxic. Please consider getting some counselling.

@s

@StormingNorman I never lie about my feelings.

He knows how I feel about things. We openly talk about it frequently.

This is why im single and staying single.
My last partner was like this he became a sex pest he became an ex.
I dont miss sex i the older i got the less i was in to it.
Its been 9 and a half years and still dont miss it.
Love being single.

Sexual coercion is childish? I've heard it all now.

Perhaps Op would desire Sex more if she was with someone who treated her well and didn't sulk when she says no to sex. Only a guess... 🤷‍♂️

He's not being coercive or abusive. He most likely suspects (he can't know for sure, because you've not told him) that you don't fancy him as much as he does you. He's not expressing his emotion in a healthy way, but neither are you. You need to be honest with him (and yourself) that you don't enjoy sex. Maybe once that's established you and he can find a way to stay married, but it shouldn't be in a way where either one of you will be unhappy. It may well transpire that it's better to end the marriage.

By sulking if he doesn't get sex he is by definition being coercive and abusive. He may not realise this, he may be acting from a place of hurt and rejection but it doesn't change that he's coercing her.

Ok , have you actually told him that you hate sex with him and from TODAY , no more sex .
it sounds like you don’t care if he leaves you , so that means you don’t love him , it should be very easy for you to break things off with him . Because you won’t feel heartbroken .
why don’t you tell him , right , you have 2 weeks and I want you out . No more sex , we are over !
tell him you’re over officially and no more sex from today and start sorting out divorce papers . I know you said he won’t leave , but he is going to have to leave without a choice if you kick him out and get the divorce papers together ?
or if worse comes to worse , then can’t you just leave ? Take as much time as you need to get everything together and leave with your children ? At least if he knows your relationship is OVER from today , he won’t expect sex and you can relax about it and make plans to move , without being kicked out asap . Or wait for him to move out , give him 2 weeks whatever .

By your logic @maggh is also being coercive. She's said plainly that she doesn't desire him sexually, and hasn't for several years, but wants him to stay married to her. So the advice sought by the OP is essentially how do I coerce him in to that? Your definition btw, not mine.

I'd stress that I don't consider either coercive, what it actually is is a marriage at complete odds (and unfortunately I doubt they'll find a way through that will make them both happy).

So you don't want automaton sex every Friday night. You don't want a sulky grumpy husband when he hasn't had his way. Both understandable.
How is your relationship in other ways?

Does he do his share of housework and childcare? Feeling like somebody's drudge is a total turnoff (and you should tell him if this is the case) and a man being a good dad and taking some of the mental/physical load of family life can do wonders for the libido (well, it means you're less exhausted!).

Are you physically intimate in other ways? You say you have two under 5s - do you make time to cuddle, hold hands, show affection to each other on the other days of the week? Because touching and being touched by someone we love increases want for that touch, it would mean you would probably be more open to persuasion on Friday night rather than being horrified at the thought.

And lastly, if he wants it make him work for it. If he knows that's when you've both got time, he should be aiming to please you as well. Romantic lighting, music, foreplay...yes it sounds cheesy but men seem to be in the mood at the flick of a switch, women don't work that way.

If all else fails, how much do you want to live like this?

This.
I'm 45, not single and haven't had sex in 5 years,
it absolutely repulses me (not husband, in general).
He is three decades older, very healthy, but easily adjusted to a "sexless marriage" for the sake of us being together.
And after discussion, we are both fine.
When the inevitable happens, I will not let a man in my close proximity if I lived for another hundred years.

You need to revisit the definition of coercion. He is most definitely coercive.

That's not the definition of coercion. Coercion means using force, threat or intimidation to make somebody do something.

Simply reacting unhappily to or sulking something is not a force, threat or intimidation. If it were, half of what we do all the time would be "coercion". Complain because your partner doesn't do the dishes? Oooh, bad... you're coercing them into doing the dishes!

Somehow some people have slipped from the realisation that they have the right to live free of coercion, into the idea that their partner doesn't have the right to react to things according their own emotions, needs, hopes, likes and dislikes.

If the OP doesn't like her partner's responses then she's free to respond in turn however she wishes (that's why it's not coercion) - which includes not having sex, or leaving him if that's the best solution. But you don't get to program other people to only have exactly the emotional responses that you approve of or that are convenient to you. One could almost say its coercive to try.

Parts of your post really stand out.
He’d give up smoking if YOU provided sex more? What’s that? How are you responsible for his smoking?
And yes, people walk out of relationships for far less. I left a very similar sounding man when I was 4 months pregnant. So painful, but so much better than ‘lying there’ for the next ten years.

So sorry, OP.
I read your other updates.
I have never been into sex much, therefore
I married the way I did. No kids.
These suggestions that you might enjoy sex with someone else - well, I cannot speak for you but
methinks it's probably a big fat no.
You would feel happier just with your kids,
if possible.

@StormingNorman Glad you're not MY husband.
👍

OP - what is the rest of your relationship like?

Everyone is so focused on the sex part, but I think after children things shift drastically for women and if the rest of the relationship is one sided then you don’t want to have sex.

Is he a good husband otherwise? A good father? And you don’t feel like sex due to something like hormones? Or is he useless and then expects sex? And the feeling of never wanting to have sex again is because you’re exhausted and feel drained and generally uncared for?

Sex is a small part of a relationship and it can often indicate the state of the rest of the relationship.

This is frustrating to read. You are placing all the blame on the OP without delving deeper into their relationship.

He is refusing couples counselling so he can’t be that bothered can he?

That may be true of some relationships but not this one. The lack of sex is the symptom here, not the cause. He’s a whiny negative man-child who doesn’t feel the need to consider his partner’s feelings or who is interested in any kind of compromise in their wider life. They’re fundamentally mismatched in and out of the bedroom. Did you read the comment about him bringing out the whips and ball gags to use on a woman he knows doesn’t really want sex? What part of that is regretful disappointment?

I’m a woman who has the higher libido in my relationship and who has chosen to stay in a predominantly sex-free marriage because I still love my husband and we have a good life together. I would love more sex and I did have to work through feeling rejected when it died away, but not once did I coerce him into anything he didn’t want to do, through sulking or guilt tripping or blaming him for me not making other changes as some kind of twisted barter system. All of which this unpleasant man has done to the OP.

I sometimes get edgy when I need sex, but I wouldn’t want anyone to have sex with me to avoid a mood; so you should never have to do that. Does he know you’re feeling this way?

This all sounds gloomy though if you’re on such opposite ends where you could live happily without it, and he’s getting shitty without it. You both need to address this openly and find a compromise in order to carry on the marriage in a meaningful way. Resentment kills relationships.

No, she's not being coercive by wanting him to stay married to her. That's not what coercive means. The whole situation is toxic but she's not coercing him.

I'm sorry but you're wrong. Punishing a partner by sulking, stonewalling, refusing to engage with household tasks and family life until they get sex is coercion. Just because the punishment isn't physical force doesn't mean it's not punishment. Abuse isn't only about physical violence.

Why is it that you don't want sex? Is it because you are tired or because of the build up towards sex? Is It not very focused on you?

If I was you, I would ask my partner to make Friday night a date night. Tell him to get you something you want to get you in the mood. Maybe a massage, some chocolates. Make it fun and cute. Something you genuinely want. If you want to be married to this man you need to communicate to him. Men have sex with their wives to love them. How can you both be in a relationship if there is zero intimacy.

I would rather my partner expect sex once a week on a specific day. That's quite nice, at least it can be "a thing".