When's right for family to visit newborn?

[York12345]

Hi all,

Got a bit of a family friction going on over when my parents (I am Dad) will meet our first baby. Would be grateful for your perspectives to gauge whether partner and I are being unreasonable.

Our beautiful baby girl was born 2 days ago. We've been quite keen to have just us 3 in a newborn bubble for a few days from birth to enjoy each other and recover physically + emotionally. Part of the reason for this is that we've had several miscarriages so savouring these few days by ourselves is valuable to us.

Unfortunately, my parents cannot understand this and we've fallen out because we think asking for space and a little time to ourselves is reasonable but they think they should be able to visit baby v. soon after birth. We've invited them tomorrow so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old. No other family or friends have met her. It will be their first grandchild and they live 20min drive away.

I can appreciate their perspective, but really struggling with how I feel they're putting themselves first. I feel like if there's a time to be selfish, it's in the immediate period after having your first child, but maybe my wife and I are taking that too far. All other friends and family have been so happy for us, so this contrast from my parents is difficult to take.

I know there's no right answer to this, but I'm keen to gauge if we need to adjust our perspective.

Thank you for your thoughts!

I couldnt wait for my Mum to meet her new Grandson. Really couldnt wait. So I will never get these posts. But it's your choice. Stick to your guns as someone has suggested you can control that But you can't control how others react.

My parents and in-laws are precious to me. We are precious to them. Our baby was precious to us ALL...I cannot understand why in-laws are automatically barred. Yes it's your choice, but unless there's a major backstory, I think you're being mean denying them a cuddle for the sake of exerting control.

I couldn't have put it better myself. My mum came to visit me in hospital about three hours after I'd given birth, and my mother in law came round a couple of days after I got home. I never gave considered not letting them see their grandchild as soon as they wanted to.

Oh this thread makes me so sad 😰

I totally understand that there are relationships with PILs / and with parents that are not good and where boundaries need to be set.

But in normal healthy(ish) family dynamics I find this 'bubble' approach quite heartbreaking. Surely 'family' is about your closest kin - including your Mum and Dad - on both sides.

My MIL and I were very different people and didn't see eye-to-eye on everything, but she was the one who understood my challenges with breastfeeding, who gave practical (and even hands-on) support to establish breast feeding. It was not something I could have anticipated, ever. And it changed our relationship for the better. Left to our own devices dh and I wouldn't have solved the breastfeeding problem.

And with my own adult dd, following a really difficult hospital experience with her dc1, it was support from me and her dad that gave her the confidence with dc2 to leave hospital and go home. On her own she'd have been overwhelmed by the 'medicalisation' of non-issues.

I agree totally that those first few days are utterly overwhelming for new parents and their infant baby. But it's an instagram world where the loved up mini-family bond and thrive and present themselves in all their perfect and sanitised insta-glory a few days after birth. It is a real human family where we see each other at our weakest and most needy, snotty crying, blood, shit the whole shebang - where we support and care.

And in the great circle of life, it was my MIL seeing me at my weakest and helping me, that also enabled me (and her) to have a reciprocal relationship when she was elderly and dying, and dh offering personal care to her, and me holding her hand as she died.

When my daughter was born, my mum and mil nearly met her before I did due to the fact that I was still attached to about 100 machines and wasn't allowed up to the scbu. My husband was the first person to see our daughter. I just needed people I trusted to report back to me that she was safe and well. Both sets of grandparents were put on the non restricted visit list, and we used to go in and find them having the first daily cuddle . I think they would have definitely been upset if they had to wait 3/4 days until they met her, but they would have understood if that was our choice.

I have 5 and suffered postnatal depression with the first baby only.

And simply because my MIL and his family were so overwhelming and immediately after I gave birth. Postpartum is the 4th trimester.

And should be dealt with sensitively. "Newborn bubble isn't a new concept" it's an adjustment period. As is baby blues isn't a new concept.

Labour is labour, it's exactly that - hard wor!

A woman's body is always dealt with a huge amount of entitlement. As much as they long to meet the grandchild. This new mama is adjusting to just giving birth, and readjusting to a newborn, as well as perhaps healing in whatever way she has birthed. As well as engorged breasts.

Attempting to feed and trying to not panic with a newborn at night hoping they're breathing. My God, it's absolutely not selfish to not want anyone over. The midwife probably hasn't even visited in that time lol.

Some people need to wind their necks in and remember the first time they had a baby. Have compassion for the new parents.

And empathy for the grandparents. But all that remains most important are the new parents especially mum. And a huge congratulations on the birth. Wishing you all a healthy and wonderful journey as parents xx

Never got this ‘just us 3 baby bubble’…..think it’s a load of bollocks myself 🙄 ( mother of 3)

Baby bubble 😳

I think it's a shame that the baby bubble has to be a thing. Perhaps it wouldn't have to be if more respected mums boundaries.

Congratulations on your new little person OP. I think the question is more how is your wife recovering physically and emotionally? As some people feel relatively okay after birth and snap back but for most either mode if delivery is painful and exhausting. I would ask your wife how she feels? And say to grandparents we are super excited for you to meet little one but can it just be a cuppa and cuddle tomorrow. When is your wife's parents/family coming? Something to consider! For me they all met little one at the hospital then we shut the door!

I don't really understand the folks who want 6-8 weeks or whatever with nobody meeting or holding the baby, but I do think it's absolutely normal to want a bit of space for a few days first and I'd be annoyed with your parents for not respecting that.

My first baby came by c-section. I was fine with hospital visitors but when I got home I wanted a few days to settle in. Recovery was painful and breastfeeding was really difficult, I used to get quite upset that I was doing it all wrong when she wouldn't latch and because she was cluster feeding at the start I didn't feel confident around other people to breastfeed without getting upset and feeling like a failure. I had family come on the fourth or fifth day I think.

My second baby was precipitous (very fast) natural labour in the middle of the night so I was home by lunch time. Breastfeeding went so much smoother than the first time, felt like my body remembered what to do, I was fine to walk the dog etc, minimal recovery. It was so different to the first time round that I didn't feel I needed any time to get to grips with anything so we had family come round the same day I was home.

Every woman, labour and recovery are different and barring the extremely long introductory periods (weeks and weeks of this "cocooning" or whatever it's called) I think a reaction such as your parents is unreasonable.

All these posters on here smirking and mocking the "bubble" which is essentially the need for a new mother to rest, and her right to decide when she is ready for visitors,

all these selfish entitled "I know better, back in my days we gave birth on the way to the mines and didn't stop for a cuppa you bunch of snowflakes"

are exactly the reason why the bubble, or need for privacy and peace if you prefer, is needed, and why parents are so right to put boundaries.

The people who get it, who don't make drama but are supportive, I bet they are welcome very early on.

Ffs🙄

It all depends on your style of family. I’m very close to my parents and in laws, so everyone in our immediate family met the baby by day 3. The midwives were so lovely and snook my parents and sister into the delivery room a few hours after he was born 😂. Then when we came home my in laws came round as did my partners siblings and their kids.

I loved having visitors at the beginning, I loved watching people gush over the baby - plus it gave me something to plan my day around. But it’s all very much personal preference.

When's right for family to visit newborn?
When the new mum is ready for visitors.
**

Back in my day of four years ago?

IRL I don't know anyone who has excluded the grandparents like this. It's bewildering to me if it's a family with normal healthy relationships. We're not talking about an overnight visit here, they live just down the road.

Completely your decision. You are very lucky to have them around and wanting to be involved.

It's interesting you are talking about "excluding"
when the OP is saying so they'll meet her when she's 3 days old

As I said, it's the ones creating drama who are a nuisance and unwanted. A normal person who just be grateful to be invited so early after the birth.

It's also telling that it's not about visiting a mother recovering from giving birth, but it's all about wanting to see a baby. Baby who doesn't need anyone else than his parents, doesn't care, won't remember and won't know the difference between the postman and the in-laws 😂

Only on MN do people spout this shite🤣

i had DS2 this week. Ds1 my mum came into labour ward about 2hrs after he was born. She was just in about 30 mins quick cuddle (I’d been in labour 3 days was exhausted and wanted my mum) then even DH was chucked out hospital overnight and we discharged about 20hrs post birth. Paternal grandparents met us at the house so DS about 24h old.
ds2 was born in middle of the night. We discharged less than 12 hours after birth and I was hoping for more like 6-8hrs but had to wait ages for newborn checks so we didn’t bother asking anyone up to hopsital. ILs came to ours first with DS1 then my mum arrived about an hour after them.

I think 3 days is reasonable but any more is probably getting a bit precious.

Have your partners parents visited already? If so; you definitely need to let your parents visit.

I agree with this

I had a newborn 'bubble" and valued it. It did upset grandparents.

I wanted to be able to establish breastfeeding confidently, without having to worry about anyone else - especially during those cluster feeding days. This was advised by our midwifery team.

Grandparents waited a week. They were grumpy at the time, but they haven't held it against us (at least they don't bring it up anyway)

DD1 was born just before 5pm and all 4 grandparents who were local plus my DB who lived 50 miles away were there at evening visiting hour (the photos of my DB with DD are hilarious because he looks terrified). She was the first of the next generation and after an emergency section I was happy to accept any help offered.

Did you miss the part where the OP says the grandparents will get to meet the baby when she is three days old?