Guy revealed this on phone.

[newdater32]

So I've been talking to a guy I met through an online dating app. We've been on one date and due to meet again next weekend. We've been talking everyday and have had a 2 hour phone conversation tonight. He's ticked all my boxes and seems great.

Tonight he's revealed that he has had a one on one with a guy to experiment to see if he liked it. He said he wasn't satisfied and that he's not gay, but wouldn't be against it if he was in a group situation and the other guy was bi.

This has completely turned me off him. It was like a switch turned off completely in me. I'm not homophobic, but just was not expecting this.

Am I being unreasonable here? Is there something wrong with me? Am I wrong?

Yes.

I think it is homophobic, in the very specific and accurate sense of that word - you liked a guy - you find out he is bi - you no longer want to be involved, it is his homosexual behaviour/tendancies that have made you change your mind, nothing else.

That doesn't mean I think anyone who feels like this 'hates the gays' or wants to drive them all back into the closet and all the way to Narnia with a pitchfork.

I'd find practicing a religion (any!) a turn off, I'd go from 'yes please' to 'fuck no' if I found out a prospective shag was also religious, so yes, I'd be religionphobic in that context! It would give me the major ick, I'd back away so fast you'd see a dust cloud, thats how much I am religionphobic.

Doesn't mean I HATE religious people, it means I would choose not to be intimate with them. Phobia does not = hate, we've come to make 'homophobic' mean 'hate' when it shouldn't, we should just call those people 'bigots'.

Agoraphobic doesnt mean someone HATES the outside world it means the outside world fills them with the ick, its scary and unpleasant.

I don't believe anyone should fuck anyone they find gives them the ick, this isn't some sort of call for everyone to ignore their own likes/dislikes/boundaries/icks and fuck other people despite them... but it does mean that deep down you really really find the idea of homosexual sex revolting. Its not neutral, or you wouldn't mind, its not a turn on... so what else is it, a strong phobia of something, in this case, homosexual intercourse.

You probably also find the idea of your parents or grandparents shagging or your adult kids shagging to be equally grim, and yet you can still be in the same room as them, love them etc etc.

The same could apply if a person found out their partner used to be a sex worker, or polyamorous, or used to sleep around. Does that mean if the get the ick they are sex workerphobic, polyamourous phobic, or multiple partners-phobic?

It really isn't bi or homophobic to not get the ick from finding out your partner has slept with someone of the same sex.

They are prejudices unless they are still practicing X, Y, or Z and therefore affects your current life together. Sex work could indicate a fundamental moral misalignment or stark difference in values which has the potential to spill into other areas – this could become an issue in the relationship.

No, they're not! Next, you'll be telling me not dating someone of another race is racist.

That’s your opinion. I have a different one.

And yes, the blanket decision to not date someone of a particular race is racism. If that decision is purely down to aesthetics and again it’s a blanket decision, then that’s simply being shallow.

Christ! I guess I'm a massive homophobic racist then because I've only ever been with straight white men. 😳

Lol the good old I'm not homophobic..... but. 😂

I’ve only been with straight, white men too. But I don’t blanket rule out anyone on the face of it. Of course I have my aesthetic preferences, and over the years paying more heed to those has ebbed and flowed. If I’ve rejected anyone based on appearance alone, then that’s been shallow of me.

Dammit, I'm obviously a massive bigot. 😔😆

😮Then you're just as much of a homophobic, racist bigot as I am then!

he didn't like it.

I am also not seeing bi-bashing from the OP.

He didn't like it enough to pursue a same-sex sexual or romantic relationship. But he didn't dislike it enough to avoid it during group sex either. That's his prerogative and absolutely fine.

I actually think it is good that he has disclosed both his bi-curious experimentation and his openness to group sex (including sex with men) to her, how would keeping this information to himself until a relationship had developed help? It's fine for her to decide a hard no thanks because her boundary is heterosexual men only, or monogamous men that aren't into group sex only. It'd also be fine for her to explore in conversation with him under which circumstances he would/wouldn't consider becoming involved with group sex / sex with men, why he chose to tell her this early, etc. Entirely up to her. He's giving her a choice before she commits any further, that's a good thing.

No. I’ve fancied Indian men and black men – just hasn’t turned into dating or a relationship. My partner 20yrs ago had had a bisexual experience when he was younger.

Try again.

I can’t articulate it either but the thought of my husband with another man turns my stomach in a way thinking of him with a woman doesn’t.

Perhaps it is homophobia on my part but it’s not something I’m interested in changing about myself.

Gay sex in itself doesn’t repulse me but if I’m going to be intimate with a man, I want him to be straight.

The fact he phrased it like he would be ok with a threesome with another bloke...seems a bit off tbh. I'm massively anti-homophobic but wouldn't date a man who said he was bi. That's just me, and it seems like you as well. Don't feel guilty if this is the reason you want to cool it with him. You don't even need a reason. I simply don't want to be with a man who enjoys sleeping with other men. But you can be honest, or not. You don't have to accept it.

Whether it's rooted in homophobia or not shouldn't sway you OP - sex is one act where you are entitled to be as homophobic or any other "phobic" as you like!

I don’t think anyone is asking or expecting you to change that about yourself. Those mortally offended on the thread don’t seem to understand that.

We can recognise phobias in ourselves without being offended. My husband wouldn’t date a bisexual person – I have also told him that I think that’s biphobic. We managed to discuss it without getting cross with each other of feeling offended. We moved on.

Friggin hell! I was being sarcastic. 🙄

I know this may come as a shock to you but I've found many a non white man very attractive! (Quite partial to a bit of Will Smith, Jamie Foxx and a young Lawrence Fishburn. 😱)

No one is saying it should sway her. Everyone on this thread with the opinion that it’s homophobic (that I’ve read, at least) has also said OP is entitled to date or not date whoever she likes.

Ugh..I'd get the ick from the lack of romance. That is not the sort of conversation I'd want with a virtual stranger. But best you find out early I suppose.

Some of the posts are quite goading and patronising, with the implication THAT op is a terrible homophobe- personally I couldn't care less if someone considered me homophobic in this regard, but if OP is a sensitive type she may feel guilted into a situation she's uncomfortable with. Many women are socially conditioned to lower their boundaries under pressure. I just wanted to remind her that her discomfort with this situation is completely valid.

I was referring to a blanket rejection of dating people of another race being either racist or shallow.

Regardless, looks like we aren’t going to find any common ground, which is fine. So best leave it there.

I haven’t read any like that, but perhaps I’ve missed them or interpreted them differently.

Bigoted, homophobic, prejudiced, closed minded - all words used on the thread. Words that are weaponised in this day and age to make people fall sharpley into line lest they be seen as a "bad person". People - women in particular - may be guilted into ignoring their intuition/beliefs when these words are pulled out and used against them. For some, the social pressure is too difficult to withstand.