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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guy revealed this on phone.

170 replies

newdater32 · 22/06/2024 00:45

So I've been talking to a guy I met through an online dating app. We've been on one date and due to meet again next weekend. We've been talking everyday and have had a 2 hour phone conversation tonight. He's ticked all my boxes and seems great.

Tonight he's revealed that he has had a one on one with a guy to experiment to see if he liked it. He said he wasn't satisfied and that he's not gay, but wouldn't be against it if he was in a group situation and the other guy was bi.

This has completely turned me off him. It was like a switch turned off completely in me. I'm not homophobic, but just was not expecting this.

Am I being unreasonable here? Is there something wrong with me? Am I wrong?

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 22/06/2024 13:53

But ultimately, if this thread was about a different characteristic, there would be an uproar about it. Imagine it was about ethnicity or body type. I couldn't start a thread saying I found South Asian men unattractive without it being deleted. That demonstrates prejudice.

Someone wouldn't only learn about this once they'd started dating though.

And I would defend anyone's right to not find a particular individual attractive for any reason.

Allfur · 22/06/2024 13:55

If I really fancied someone it wouldn't bother me at all, where his penis has been is none of my business

MateyMusings · 22/06/2024 13:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Sillystrumpet · 22/06/2024 13:57

Of course you’re not wrong and for me, no I don’t wish to be with a man who fancies other men.

GreyCarpet · 22/06/2024 13:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I'd presume he'd washed it so it wouldn't bother me.

I've dated men who've previously been with men. It's just a previous sexual partner as far as I'm concerned. But I wouldn't want to be with someone who was still actively interested.

Over the years, I've known a fair few men who've tried it once!

AliceCallous · 22/06/2024 14:04

GreyCarpet · 22/06/2024 13:59

I'd presume he'd washed it so it wouldn't bother me.

I've dated men who've previously been with men. It's just a previous sexual partner as far as I'm concerned. But I wouldn't want to be with someone who was still actively interested.

Over the years, I've known a fair few men who've tried it once!

Show quote history

I suspect the people on this thread haven't had much to do with people who went to a same sex school. It's absolutely rife to have had some kind of experimentation.

The people I know who have are almost all straight. And I know that because they told me, not because I think I know their sexuality better than they do!

fizzybubblywater · 22/06/2024 14:07

loropianalover · 22/06/2024 01:05

The fact that he’s done it wouldn’t bother me, but the way he’s spilling this after only meeting once is the major ick for me… to me it just screams that he wants to set up group sex further down the line. That’s the turn off for me, not that he’s slept with a guy.

Totally agree- this seems like a way to get this in early to set it up down the line.

Massive turn off and a no from me. Fine if thats what he's into but I'm not so we wouldnt be compatible anyway.

cherrypieandcoffee · 22/06/2024 14:14

Dont care about past experimentation but the deliberate "I'd be open to it in a group situation" indicates to me he wants you to participate in this- why else would you mention this so early on otherwise? It's clearly something he has thought about and is into. Its what's called a satellite- people often express views on something and then out of the blue mention something a bit random and its a conversational satellite which hovers around their sphere of conversation- pay attention to those because they often indicate someone's true feelings on a subject matter.

If you arent into group sex then I'd be dumping this one. The request will come sooner or later.

MateyMusings · 22/06/2024 14:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

C1N1C · 22/06/2024 14:30

I wonder how many women have kissed other women (in here)...

I agree with what many others are saying. There's nothing wrong with it, but if it's not your thing, leave.

Jengat · 22/06/2024 14:33

I suspect the people on this thread haven't had much to do with people who went to a same sex school. It's absolutely rife to have had some kind of experimentation.

I, alongside the majority of people I know - male and female - went a same sex school and nope, gay sex definitely wasn't rife! Admittedly we weren't in the UK so perhaps it's cultural? There was definitely homophobia, so even if the guys I know did "experiment" (highly improbable) they would never admit it.

DoreenonTill8 · 22/06/2024 14:39

AliceCallous · 22/06/2024 13:47

No, he said he might not object to a MMF threesome. A lot of women wouldn't object to a MFF threesome. That doesn't make them wayward characters who are trying to recruit a group of people to fuck them. It doesn't even necessarily make them bisexual.

It makes no difference whether sexuality is invisible. That's not an excuse to start saying those people have something morally wrong with them.

If you want to be prejudiced, you do that. But don't pretend to yourself you're not.

Show quote history

No he didn't, he said GROUP situation, you've made up mmf threesome.

Moneysitu · 22/06/2024 14:39

Allfur · 22/06/2024 13:55

If I really fancied someone it wouldn't bother me at all, where his penis has been is none of my business

This is such a one dimensional view point. Almost as if the penis went somewhere by itself, rather than it being attached to a man, and where it has been represents what this man does, and doesn't like, in the bedroom. How far do you take this? What if his penis has been with someone under age? What if his penis likes animals? What if his penis has been inside a prostitute? What if he likes to stick his penis into glory holes? I mean, surely we should all have some kind of standards, when we are deciding who to let into our beds and bodies?

MasterBeth · 22/06/2024 14:42

Thekormachameleon · 22/06/2024 00:59

I don't think it's harsh

He's not bisexual, he experimented and didn't like it

"Honestly, Deborah, I sucked the guy's cock but I definitely didn't like it."

Moneysitu · 22/06/2024 14:42

A lot of women wouldn't object to a MFF threesome

Most women would object to a threesome. MFF is just yuck. In no way would I want to compete with the other female, but also, seeing tits and vagina would be an instant ick for me. MMF doesn't feel very safe, tbh.

twentysevendresses · 22/06/2024 14:43

Many years ago I was dating a guy who disclosed this to me MID sex! He said he'd experimented in the past and although didn't think he was bi/gay was still open to experimenting, and when having sex with a woman, often fantasised that there was also another man in bed - pleasuring HIM not me, just for clarity. He went on to tell me that he'd like to be giving a man a blow job whilst I was giving him one...and actually mimed that as he told me, mimed him giving a man a blow job!

He was very definitely sussing me out for 'future endeavours' but I was instantly turned off. Nowhere and at no time had I given him any indication that group sex/threesomes was my jam!

Also...despite him protesting, he was clearly bi 🤦‍♀️ Instant ick for me I'm afraid...actually made me feel quite uncomfortable if I'm honest, especially his miming!!

EnglishBluebell · 22/06/2024 14:44

Thekormachameleon · 22/06/2024 00:50

yANBu, closed minded perhaps but if you're not ok with it then you're under no obligation to continue seeing him for any reason

How is having a preference 'closed minded?!'

DoreenonTill8 · 22/06/2024 14:44

Same here @Moneysitu but shame on us for being so 'closed minded' of course!

EnglishBluebell · 22/06/2024 14:47

YANBU OP, he's gay and just hasn't realised it yet. For him to have got an erection during this experiment of his, he would've had to have been attracted to them to begin with!

Skyrainlight · 22/06/2024 15:47

I think sexuality is a spectrum, from straight on one side to bi in the middle to gay/lesbian on the other side. I think it's completely find to only want to date someone on the same part of the spectrum you are on. And it's also fine to be happy to date from different areas of the spectrum. It's not any sort of phobic, we are allowed to have personal preferences.

AliceCallous · 22/06/2024 15:55

Moneysitu · 22/06/2024 14:42

A lot of women wouldn't object to a MFF threesome

Most women would object to a threesome. MFF is just yuck. In no way would I want to compete with the other female, but also, seeing tits and vagina would be an instant ick for me. MMF doesn't feel very safe, tbh.

You'd be surprised. Your disgust for the female body isn't a universal thing.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 22/06/2024 15:57

I’d feel the same. The reason would be because it opens up the potential of cheating to the whole population instead of half of it. Men are also far less discerning if they want sex. Two minutes on Grindr would find you a sex partner. I just couldn’t be bothered with the concern over it. Would cause me stress.

Skyrainlight · 22/06/2024 16:02

twentysevendresses · 22/06/2024 14:43

Many years ago I was dating a guy who disclosed this to me MID sex! He said he'd experimented in the past and although didn't think he was bi/gay was still open to experimenting, and when having sex with a woman, often fantasised that there was also another man in bed - pleasuring HIM not me, just for clarity. He went on to tell me that he'd like to be giving a man a blow job whilst I was giving him one...and actually mimed that as he told me, mimed him giving a man a blow job!

He was very definitely sussing me out for 'future endeavours' but I was instantly turned off. Nowhere and at no time had I given him any indication that group sex/threesomes was my jam!

Also...despite him protesting, he was clearly bi 🤦‍♀️ Instant ick for me I'm afraid...actually made me feel quite uncomfortable if I'm honest, especially his miming!!

Mid sex, that is insane! There was literally no escape.

twentysevendresses · 22/06/2024 16:30

@Skyrainlight it was pretty grim to be fair! Instant turn off...just thinking about the expression on his face whilst he was miming the blow job makes me clamp up 😬

Fair enough if this is your 'thing' and it's been discussed properly, but to introduce the concept whilst we were were being intimate was really off-putting 😯

PetulantPenguin · 22/06/2024 16:37

DH had experimented with a man and told me when we got together. It didnt bother me at all, but I have also had a same sex relationship so that may hr why. I genuinely don't see why that would put anyone off but the rest of wuat he said would have put me off as it sounds like future plans.