Guy revealed this on phone.

[newdater32]

So I've been talking to a guy I met through an online dating app. We've been on one date and due to meet again next weekend. We've been talking everyday and have had a 2 hour phone conversation tonight. He's ticked all my boxes and seems great.

Tonight he's revealed that he has had a one on one with a guy to experiment to see if he liked it. He said he wasn't satisfied and that he's not gay, but wouldn't be against it if he was in a group situation and the other guy was bi.

This has completely turned me off him. It was like a switch turned off completely in me. I'm not homophobic, but just was not expecting this.

Am I being unreasonable here? Is there something wrong with me? Am I wrong?

Hi Op

"This has completely turned me off him. It was like a switch turned off completely in me. I'm not homophobic, but just was not expecting this."

Isn't this pretty much text book homophobia? You were attracted to him but as soon as you found out he may be/is bisexual/bi curious, you're no longer interested.

I don't think you are being unreasonable as you can't help the way you feel. But at least have the guts to own your prejudice.

I would do him a favour and ditch him, there will be other people out there for him who won't be so judgemental and appreciate his honesty. Speaking as someone who considers themselves bisexual, we really don't need people like you in our life.

YANBU. That would not be for me, either.

I don't think "reasonableness" applies here. There's no objective standard or expectation of equal treatment or impartiality that applies to personal relationships, the way there would be for, say, a business transaction or provision of public services; if the situation between the two of you is not right for you (or for him), it's not right. The only question to ask yourself, I think, is are you ending something otherwise good for a reason that may seem trivial to you later on, that perhaps now seems like more than it is because of the newness and the surprise/shock around it and will you likely regret ending it later? Only you can know that.

He said he wasn't satisfied and that he's not gay, but wouldn't be against it if he was in a group situation and the other guy was bi stuck out to me in your post. Irrelevant if the two of you were discussing having a threesome and that's a topic you're genuinely interested in and open to, but if he said this out of the blue it would be a red flag for me. Is he discussing introducing another person into your sexual interactions when you aren't even sexually involved yet? Are you comfortable with group situations as a typical part of your sex life (not shaming if you are, but many people are not and if he's going to pressure you about that, it can get pretty tedious).

Also, unless there's explanatory context I'd worry a little that his remarks around this might indicate he's self-centered. If he "experimented" with another guy who knew his feelings and also wanted to experiment then fine, but if he "experimented" with someone who thought he was bi or gay, that's pretty ick. And why would this hypothetical bi male partner he's envisioning in a "group situation" want to have a threesome with a woman and a straight man?

But he would like group sex with men and women, which is a turn off in it's own right if you like a monogamous relationship of whatever flavour.

But surely it's better he's told her now than further down the line when they could be more committed to each other?

Well yeah obviously? It’s still a turn off.

I agree with @OhNoNotAnotherNameChange

You are completely free to do what you want to regarding your dating life and relationships, OP – move on if you wish. But I do believe it’s a behaviour/feeling rooted in homophobia if this sole piece of information has reversed your feelings.

No one like to be told they are homophobic or think of themselves as such – I get it. But sometimes we just have to accept our prejudices and move on.

This. This tells you a lot about his turn ons. He isnt going to be satisfied with a monogamous committed relationship. He enjoys group sex with men and women. He has told you early so you knew what you were getting into. And all this is fine if you want the same.

I don't know whether it was full sex or just playing. Why does this matter to you?

He didn’t say that. He said the only reason he would consider it again would be in a group scenario, not that he wanted one.

Sexually adventurous people are capable of loyalty and monogamy.

I’ve got the ick by proxy.

YANBU.

I'm not in the least homophobic (one gay child and was married to a bisexual man) but the casual dropping in of not being averse to trying again in a group situation would put me RIGHT off. I'd constantly be wondering when he would raise the 'oh, I've got this friend...' once he felt comfortable in the relationship.

Not wanting to date a bisexual man and not wanting to date a man who indicates he would be up for group sex are two very different things in my opinion.

"... but wouldn't be against it if he was in a group situation and the other guy was bi."

What did he mean by a 'group situation'?? This alone would have me running for the hills 😬

It is NOT homophobic for a straight woman, not to want to be with a Bi sexual man.

Look at it this way - you are bi sexual. You don't say whether your prefer men or women, but let's say you were dating a nice guy, but over the years he put on 400lb and became morbidly obese, with a huge beer belly. If that put you off him sexually, would that make you a Fatphobe? Would that make you judgmental? Would it be fair if someone said to you "that you don't deserve to be in his life, because he really doesn't need judgmental people like you, you Fatphobe!" Would you own your own prejudice then, and walk away with your tail between your legs?

Thought not.

@Didimum is that meant to be as condescendingly, judgemental and admonishing as it comes across?

"You'd be a MUCH better person and less 'prejudiced if you ignored your own boundaries and wants".

Didimum

Imagine finding out a sole piece of information, like your DH had used prostitutes in the past. You might leave him for that sole piece of information, if men buying women's bodies didn't align with your moral compass.

But I would say, that it's a behaviour rooted in Punterphobia, if that sole piece of information has reversed your feelings. No one likes to be told they are Punterphobic, or thinks of themselves as such, but sometimes we just have to accept our prejudices and move on.

EYE ROLL.

Newsflash - a woman is allowed to reject a man FOR. ANY. REASON. SHE. LIKES. And him sticking his cock into other men, might be one of them.

And we seem to be seeing this more and more - people being that told they are phobic or a bigot, if they don't want to date certain people. Why? It just screams, ME ME ME.

I'm 54 and a little over weight. If I was rejected on a dating site for either of those things, I would say Fair Enough. I certainly wouldn't demand that someone dated me, and then scream "Ageist" or "Fatphobe" and start throwing around insults like judgemental, prejudice etc. Not everyone is going to be in everyone's dating pool. And that's fine.

@newdater32 No, you are not wrong to be put off.

My guess is that he told you this to see if you would be 'open' to it.[?]

You are not.

It's not homophobia not to want to date a Bi man or woman if you are straight.. There are probably Gay men and women who wouldn't want to date a Bi woman/man either.

How does one mime a BJ?

Like a game of Charades.

Urgh..I googled! Now I see..{I won't put up a screenshot} 🤔

So you’re equating men being attracted to men or men sleeping with men to men paying vulnerable trafficked women to have sex with them and also with it being on the wrong side of a moral compass. Right, got it.

Couldn’t have conjured up a better homophobic answer if I’d tried – so that’s very enlightening.

I didn’t say she couldn’t do what she wanted. It doesn’t mean it’s not rooted in homophobia.

Whatever way you want to read it 👍 I don’t particularly mind.

If you want to dress up phobic feelings as boundaries, then go ahead.

Do you want to be in a 'group situation' ? That is not a conversation I'd want to have with someone I'd only just met, but at least he's laid his cards on the table. To not want to have sex with a bi sexual man is not homophobic.

Just awful! I'm sorry you had to experience that.

How you feel is how you feel... not going into the rights and wrongs of it but if the idea of homosexual sex gives you a massive ick then I'd say thats pretty much the definition of homophobia personally. Irrelevant, it's still how you feel.

But hang on - if he tells you early on he is 'setting you up for group sex'... bad bad person, red flag.

If he DOESN'T tell you early on, he's misleading you...bad bad man, red flag.

Well he can't fucking win then can he?

The point is it bothers you, and has put you off him - that's why you're posting. Whether other posters would or wouldn't be ok with it isn't relevant. You're entitled to your feelings and are under no obligation to continue the connection with this man...... unless you want to.