For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

It's hard to say OP. We don't know what pressures they have in their own lives so it's hard to make a judgement. I think in this situation you have to do what you can and accept what others are willing to do.

You are not being unreasonable at all, in fact you are doing your absolute best for your mum and that is to be commended. It’s very disappointing of your siblings - do they have form for this? If they can’t take time out of their busy schedules can they at least club together to get her a decent cab service to bring her to you?

My mum is likely to have surgery in September, I am taking the week off work and moving in with my parents for that week to help with the caring. My dad is verging on 79 so in the most robust of health himself. Plus if left alone with him for a week she would probably have to subsist on cheese and pickled onion sandwiches, which isn’t exactly the best aid to recovery!

While YANBU, is it possible that they have a different relationship with her than you do? It is very possible (nay, probable) that they are just being selfish, but I suppose it is just possible that you like her better than they do and that there is a reason for that. Other than that, though, I got nuthin'. The only reason I suggested that was that if it were merely pure selfishness, I would expect them to be putting even more pressure on you and your partner, rather than just saying your mum will have to sink or swim.

Depends on lots of things

What is their relationship with her like? Was it good for them growing up?

What is the surgery and how old is DM?

What other stresses do they have going on in their lives?

What preparation has your mum made for her surgery? Surely this is her problem to solve, not yours? If she lives alone presumably she is a responsible adult so what does she want?

Not enough details on circumstances or relationships to be able to make any judgement really.

Ask them to pay for and book a taxi if they’re so busy. They need to be taking some responsibility.

Yanbu BUT what are the chances that 4/5 children all don't want to do it?
That really says something about her relationship with them.

Although they sound selfish from your post, we obvs don’t know the challenges your siblings face in their own lives. At the end of the day, you can only control what you are doing, not what they do. If none of them will drive your mum then another solution needs to be found - you cant expect your partner to do it, he has enough on his plate.

Do they all live near her and usually carry the brunt of the asks? Is this you stepping in once after many years of them pulling their weight?

It's totally possible, but if anything I would say I have a more complex relationship with my mum than my siblings. But she's my mum and I would never see her suffer. Not to mention she has made her mistakes, but never done anything diabolical that would warrant such dismissive behaviour.

People really show you who they are in times like this- I found that out recently when my own Mum went through cancer treatment. It's utterly depressing that in a time of need someone's children wouldn't help them isn't it?
I'm sorry that you are being completely burdened with this, but there is not much you can do if they are unwilling to help. Try to find another way around this but I wouldn't forget it.

OP, you sound lovely and credit to you for the offer you have made. Agree with (to an extent) comments from PPs. Perhaps make suggestion the 4 other siblings fund Uber/private car hire? If they are reticent, they'd have to justify as cut 4 ways, seems very reasonable

I can honestly say this isn't the case. It's always me and one of my other siblings putting in all of the effort with her despite us living the furthest away.

We don't know what type of mother she wants.

After working in care there's a strong reap what you sow thing that happens.

But 4 of her children not wanting to even just drive her, is there more to this?

Is she isn't safe alone at home then she will either have to pay for someone to help her, or if she can't afford that then her local adult social care team will have to help her with carers. It seems unlikely she need live in care as even people who are totally bed bound often only get 4 care visits per day.

YANBU at all. You are taking the strain for three weeks, a total of six hours to make it happen is tiny in comparison.

I would be tempted to say 'well in that case you'll need to make alternative arrangements for her convalescence. I can't help as I have no way of getting her here.'

Also if it’s such major surgery is travelling 1.5 hours in a car straight after really an option?

Isn't she entitled to six weeks reenablement? It's part of NHS service. You need to lookn into this, it will be much better for her

So a 3 hour round trip mean they all live either in her town or yours?

It seems odd that 4 of them are all refusing when they are off the hook for the actual care. That makes me wonder if their experience of her is different to yours.

She can pre-book a taxi. Not cheap, but not crazy money either.

Do you think your siblings might just be holding out because no-one wants to, but eventually someone will cave?

I think you need to step away from the stress of this. It’s not your responsibility - your mum needs to ask them directly.

Your Mum only gave them life and wiped their arses.

Selfish.

It does sound shocking that not one of them could spare a half day to help their mum out following major surgery.

What other solutions do they suggest?

What's the surgery?

But that's the point. They don't. They don't have to do a single thing.

Tbf I wouldn't pitch in if it was my mother. There's a reason for that and there will be a reason your siblings don't want to.

You can't do this. Your mother will have to contact SS for help with recovery time