For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

If they won't give lifts, could you go to your mums or could you all chip in for carers for your mum or a rehabilitation place.

3 of them

One of the 4 has a reason OP has deemed as worthy

You made your own choice, they've made theirs. Not sure why anyone should be ashamed just because they chose differently to you.

it’s really difficult to qualify for re-enablement funding. There are really strict rules - the person has to be deemed in need of regular physiotherapy and rehabilitation services to regain everyday living skills in order to qualify, and all of the services, including care, have to be in place before they leave hospital, which often delays discharge.

Absolutely agree, and at present no one knows what the dm actually needs, all the OP knows is what her mother says she's to get

Exactly this. 20% of us in the population (I think) are childfree/childless so we already know that we will probably have to do this for ourselves in future. There are ways around the seemingly insoluble problem.

OP needs to stop focusing on what other people are or aren't doing and on what she is or isn't ok with doing

Wise words, @PinkArt

Maybe OP's felt better for so many saying what rotters the rest of the siblings are, but it doesn't actually address the main point of exactly what care her mum will need and what's the best way of providing it

Luckily she mentioned asking the medical team, which sounds a sensible route for everyone's sake

If your siblings won't drive her, ask them to split the cost of a taxi

Could you book hospital transport to your house?
I feel you OP , my brother dumped me in it with nan and grandad and scarpered. I went grey with the stress of it all

Selfish bastards- tell you what, they sound like the type of siblings that will crawl out of the woodwork if anything was to happen to your mum. 😩

As a former home health and hospice nurse and someone who was carer for several relatives, I rarely recommend family take on a carer role without professional help. I was only able to provide the care my family needed because I hired professionals to assist. When my family members had hospitalizations or surgery, I arranged for them to go to rehabilitation centers, where they received round the clock nursing care and therapies until they were healed enough to return home.

Many posters have shared their personal experiences with how difficult it can be to be a family carer. A lot of training is needed to learn how to safely toilet, shower, transfer, etc…. The risk of injury to both carer and patient is high without this training. The emotional toll can be even higher.

It’s possible that the siblings realize the mom’s care is going to be beyond them. They may be trying to force mom’s hand in accepting going to a rehab. I think OP needs to stress to the social workers that if mom needs care to recover from surgery, she needs to be sent to a rehab center until she can safely care for herself. This doesn’t sound like she needs meals and someone to tidy up after her.

I think OP’s heart is in the right place. It is admirable to want to care for your parent. I just don’t think she or her siblings are going to be able to provide the care mom will need. Vilifying the siblings for being unwilling to participate is only going to cause problems between them and OP.

A three hour round trip is fine. There is no excuse for saying it’s too long. If they can’t be bothered how about an ambulance taxi service. All the siblings pay an equal cost division.

Major surgeries often do let alone complications. My mum developed a massive infection post major surgery and I know it has accelerated her previously mild dementia.

I would suggest to your siblings share the cost of a comfortable taxi for your mum to travel to you and home afterwards. Although I would speak to the doctors to confirm that she will be able to travel so soon after surgery.

I can't believe how selfish your siblings are behaving. My mother was not a caring mother to me but when she was in hospital I would drive a 3 hour round trip 3 or 4 times a week after work & at weekends so that she had a visitor & to take her clean clothes/fruit/drinks etc. even though my sibling lived 10 minutes from the hospital & only went once a week at most (she was in there for over 2 months).

I think autistic people often have far more empathy and a desire to genuinely help others. We see someone in need and know they need help so we help.

If I say I'm there for someone if they need me - I mean it! I've driven over an hour to support an old friend, I've taken someone I barely know to hospital, I baked a friend a birthday cake after a joke they made.

Get a group chat set up with your siblings and kick some butt. Point out that they are making excuses and being selfish. This is your MUM for goodness sake. You've offered to give up a whole week to look after her and yet they're all too "busy" to even bring her over?! Wow.

She WILL need support so they either need to organise 24 hour care between them or fall in with your plan. Their choice. I suspect the hospital won't release her if she doesn't have proper support in place too.

"She WILL need support so they either need to organise 24 hour care between them or fall in with your plan. Their choice. I suspect the hospital won't release her if she doesn't have proper support in place too."*
*
Or they have the choice not to do anything at all. We have no idea of the back story to their relationship with their mother. It sounds complicated. Neither do we know their personal circumstances other than the OP's assumptions about their availability.

I will, and have, bent over backwards to help friends out with meals, lifts to hospital, childcare whilst they're at hospital etc. I wouldn't do a three hour round trip to take my mother somewhere, especially after major surgery when we don't know what they're dealing with.

It could well be the siblings are being incredibly sensible and realise how difficult it is to care for someone after major surgery especially when juggling it with work etc, and that's why they don't want to get involved. The OP really need to find out more about the parent's care needs after surgery and what other options are available eg rehabilitation, care home near the hospital, carers going in regularly.

As above she's not their boss...
I'd presume by now @NappyBag has spoken to someone on the ward so knows what the dm actually needs?

I think it is a disgrace! Its payback time now...Your Mother brought you all up and seen to all your needs. Its what the others should be doing for their Mother now alongside you! If I was you...I would let your Mother know who would not help and the stupid excuses they have come out with! But, they all will be there when your Mother passes to see what they can get their hands on...either stripping her home of what they want or her Bank Balance! Your Mother needs to know so she can arrange what she has and who she wants to leave what she has after she has left this world! I certainly would not be leaving anything to those siblings who could not help me in my time of need.
What a shower of brats!! And very sad for your Mother...but she does need to know!!

Having your parent move in with you isn’t what most would want. So for you to be happy to do this, why the hell aren’t they jumping at the chance to ‘only give a lift’?!

It does sound like a pain of a drive but they could share the driving if it’s that much of an issue.

Personally I would be kicking off with the lot of them and I would tell them fine, she can stay home but you ALL need to chip in and help her, which is it going to be!

Update: to answer all questions about whether my siblings would have a reason for not wanting to help mum (i.e. because of bad parenting, not because they can't) and this is absolutely not the case. My mum wasn't perfect, but she did her best and always put us first.

I completely take on board what pps have said about me potentially biting off more than I can chew. In all honesty, I felt like I didn't have a choice but now I know there may be some other options, I am going to tell mum that I need a conversation with the doctor to find out more about the level of care she will need rather than just the duration.

To answer questions about me working full time alongside this I get the impression mum will be fine on her own for a few hours at a time, but she can't live alone during this time as some daily activities will be impossible. My employer has been great with allowing me to pop home and some flexibility to WFH occasionally. Enough for me to make it work if I have to. However, as previously mentioned I will explore other options if this isn't going to be sufficient.

I have had some great advice which I am following up. But I think what I have taken from the AIBU is that it's okay to feel disappointed and sad my siblings don't feel the same sense of duty and loyalty. However, they are different people who are entitled to make their own decisions and I should be focusing on what is in my control. In that sense I am BU.

Thanks all!

It's not unreasonable to expect your siblings to help, but you appear to have unilaterally decided for everyone what shape that help takes and in order to execute your plans you're relying on others doing something they're clearly telling you that they're unable or unwilling to facilitate. If it truly is that helping your mother is to be divided up between all of you then you need to come up with another plan that works for everyone.

Imagine being "told off" by another adult. How patronising!

But I think what I have taken from the AIBU is that it's okay to feel disappointed and sad my siblings don't feel the same sense of duty and loyalty. However, they are different people who are entitled to make their own decisions and I should be focusing on what is in my control.

I think this sums it up perfectly. You are allowed to feel disappointed that your siblings see things differently but you have to respect their decisions, not make your own judgment on who has a valid reason.

I'd wait until the staff tell you what help she needs and what they are arranging. No one has to look after their family if they don't want to or can't, you cannot guilt trip people into not helping or expecting them to have a sense of duty or loyalty. Everyone should respect each others personal decisions. No one likes being told off or a martyr.

It’s a real shame they can’t manage a 3hr drive😩you will find it’s those that do the least, do the most weeping when that person has gone. I wonder why that is 🤔