For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

I suppose it depends on the type of relationship they have with your mother. Some people grow and choose to step back from parents and that's ok, it's just a decision based on their own individual experience. The excuse that it's a parent isn't always applicable if the relationship isn't a healthy one.

On the other hand, it could be that they actually DO have a lot going on. I have 2 kids under 2 and have to get my shopping delivered because my kids are very tall for their ages (and consequently heavy!) and even trying to get to a supermarket is just too much, I couldn't imagine doing a 3 hour round trip with them. It doesn't mean I would love a relative any less but doing something like that would be crazy hard.

Another option is that they do love your mum but just don't see her as a priority in their lives or just don't think this medical matter is a priority to them.

It's lovely that you care so much but unfortunately you can't make someone else care as much as you do and you can't make them help out.

I meant more like “Come on siblings, mums brought us all up, the least we can do is all chip in, it’s the decent thing to do surely?” or even “Come on guys. Don’t be dicks! She’s our mum!”

(But I could have articulated that better tbh)

Is it possible that they could pay for a taxi for her or could she afford one herself or can the hospital do one of those private hospital transfers direct to your home for her, at least that would sort out one of the journeys? It’s really tricky as like others have said perhaps their relationship is such that they don’t want to put themselves out quite as much as you think they should? Family dynamics are always very difficult in situations like this I feel.