For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

If I read that right, you are asking 1 of your four siblings for two 3-hour round trips, three weeks apart while you do all the rest of the caring, and they all said no???

How disgustingly selfish of them. The only excuse would be illness or being out of the country.

Yanbu at all. Horrible.

Can't two of them share the journeys?

That's right. No "responsible adult" should ever have the audacity or be so fucking pathetic as to want help in their hour of need. Everyone should live as though they were a self contained island, neither giving or receiving help. I wouldn't be surprised if she deliberately got ill just to be self indulgent.

I don't know. If your partner can't do it for valid reasons, without knowing your siblings exact reasons, they may have valid reasons too.

Unless there's a back story your siblings are arseholes. A three hour drive is nothing. I did an 11 hour drive last week to attend to a family matter, then the same back again three days later.

As usual @Sirzy has asked the elephant in the room question. Having picked my Dad up from hospital many a time including after surgery and having had major surgery myself a 1.5 journey is unlikely be managable.

If they won't collect and drop her off at yours for the 3 weeks you were prepared to look after her, offer to be the one to collect and drop her off at one of their houses for the 3 weeks and see if that makes any difference.

Your siblings are being totally unreasonable. If they live near your mum and it sounds like they have a reasonable relationship, then the alternative is them providing the care or leaving your mum to fend for herself. You have done what you can, I don't think you can offer anything else. So, leave your offer on the table, it's up to your mum and siblings to get her to you. I would so happily swap a longish drive for not having to do weeks of care.

I think there being a huge backstory is much more likely than all of the op's siblings being selfish. It would be very interesting to hear the siblings' side.

So she's not old, she presumably has capacity and she is perfectly capable of calling a taxi and organising her own professional care..... I don't know why the OP would want to treat her like a little old lady! Those of us of a similar age, but without kids, would just crack on and sort it out for ourselves, tbh, possibly with some NHS input, if available.

Another link here which might be helpful, OP: https://www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/factsheets/fs58_paying_for_short-term_and_temporary_care_in_a_care_home_fcs.pdf

Although it would only be temporary it sounds as if your mum might resist residential care, but if it came to it, it may be a case of needs must - especially if she also resists making plans for herself

As for the siblings this is their choice to make, and while it might sound a bit mean on the face of it I'm sure they've got their reasons. Quite rightly nobody can be forced to take on things like this and nor should they

What could their reason be. It's not a difficult task in the slightest. If they really can't drive her why aren't they clubbing together to pay for a taxi to get her to ops. If ppl really want to help they do. We are three siblings and when I'm asked to do anything like this I either do it or if I really can't I do my best to offer an alternative option.

It's unusual to need live in support for a month after surgery.

You haven't said what the operation is. Has your mum just told you she needs live in support for so long? Or have you also seen this written in patient advice leaflets or her hospital letter

What will she actually need doing for her day to day?

I wonder if she is exaggerating how much help she will need and this is why your siblings are not committing to helping.

In any case, if you work full time you won't be able to provide full time care. If she doesn't actually need live in care, and needs less frequent help, this may be better achieved by her staying in her flat and a combination of paid carers, children popping in, and practical help eg a cleaner, microwave meals.

I can't think of an op that would require that many weeks of care, but they'd be fine to get a taxi for 1.5 hours.

The abdominal surgeries I've had I've been in bed for 2-3 days.

Unless it's a broken leg or hip, but then how would she manage a long car journey?

How do you know she will need 6 weeks of care? Could she have exaggerated?

What op is she having, she might need rehab afterwards. The hospital can arrange transport or she can get a taxi to and from, you cannot make the others do anything if they don't want to, speak to the staff and hospital social worker when she's had her op and ask what help they are offering like carers, equipment etc.

This is my point. I can't share all the excuses without potentially identifying who I am.

One sibling has genuine reasons but is doing everything else they can outside of this to help mum. That is totally fair enough.

It's the other three whose excuses boil down to it just being inconvenient. I appreciate that its their decision but it makes me so sad for my mum.

I have noted that maybe I need to give more thought to how I am going to care for her once she's here. But at the moment I am thinking "well surely it's better she is here with me popping in and out than having no one at all". Definitely going to discuss this with her doctor though.

If they can't do it, why can't they club together to pay for the mini-cab to take your Mum to you OP?

By this I mean she is single. My siblings all think it serves her right for not settling down with someone who can look after her.

They won’t let her home without knowing she is safely looked after so will probably ask to speak to your siblings to try and come to an arrangement. If they won’t come then there will be hospital transport but the plan of care will still need to be assured as to how she is looked after at home or she’ll have to stay admitted, but everyone in the hospital would rather she could go home.

Ugh. What happened to basic human decency and looking after your own mother. Three weeks fgs, not a life sentence. Horrible self-centred attitude.

Hope you're ok, OP. Unless there's a huge back story and family rift, if I were you and had such awful selfish siblings I'd just sort it myself if I was able. Obviously too selfish for the other 4 to share the cost of a taxi to your house so no point asking.

I'd explain to DM what they said and take it from there.

I think she should stay at home. For one, after major surgery a long car journey could be for from ideal. Also if she needs any follow up care, district nurse visits, etc she needs access to that locally.

I don't disagree with you about the selfishness of your siblings.

This makes me dispare, of people. I'm sorry you find yourself in this predicament, you sound like such a nice caring person. This happens alot in family's where one steps up and the other lazy selfish pieces of work do nothing. As for some of the vile comments on here, let's them stew in their own poison . I wish you luck x

OP, maybe your mother was a terrible mother who is just reaping what she has sown. You don’t paint a picture of estrangement though, more a sense of inconvenience. I have few siblings and I’m willing to bet that what is going on is much more mundane. Selfishness and patterns.

People are selfish. That’s just human nature. And the more people are allowed to get away with being selfish, the worse they get. If there are no consequences for selfish behaviour and little to be gained by not being selfish, then selfishness tends to be a dominating feature.

It doesn’t surprise me to learn that the younger ones don’t want to step up. In many families, certainly African ones, the older ones have had a sense of responsibility from a young age. That can persist into adulthood, especially if the unequal division of labour isn’t highlighted and addressed.

You may also have a giving, helpful sibling or one who prides herself (it is usually a her) on doing the right thing. So there tend to be patterns regarding who steps up and who expects others to do the lion’s share of inconvenient family duty.

The modern British way of every man for himself and if you’re struggling then look to the (struggling) State for help has its advantages but it’s kind of a cold and clinical way to live. And personally, I think that if you actually have a relationship of some sort with your mother, one or two one-and-half hour car journeys is not that big of a deal. If you come around for the good times and expect to be remembered for good things, then you need to be able to step up at a time like this.

What nasty people they sound. And if the "person she was supposed to settle down with" suddenly got ill and needed treatment, that would be your dm's fault also, I assume.

So she's not old, she presumably has capacity and she is perfectly capable of calling a taxi and organising her own professional care..... I don't know why the OP would want to treat her like a little old lady!

Obviously we can't know, but with the rather unusual "six weeks of care needed" thrown in as well, I just wonder if part of the siblings' reluctance is a belief that mum's being infantalised?

With any number of surgeries they'll say it'll take that period to get back to normal, but that doesn't necessarily mean live-in care's needed for all of it

Have you thought about talking to the hospital discharge team? Our local ambulance service also run the patient transport service - as well as the usual methods of transport they have a team of volunteer drivers and also block book with local taxi firms at a huge discount
If it meant not bed blocking and saved money on a care package they may well come up with a solution to help
They are used to transferring people across the country - if you live in the south and were on holiday in the Lake District and ended up in hospital - they would help make sure you got home - I know from personal experience
I would still not be happy with my siblings whatever happens