For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

Fine that they don't want to do the care but odd that they won't drive her to someone who will!

Agree with you totally. No wonder loneliness is on the rise:

(1) people that were discarded by their family members as soon as their children/siblings etc feel they have no use for them / they're not entertaining enough (particularly sad when these people treated everyone around them with kindness but others just see them as boring or inconvenient)
(2) those who treated their family like category 1 and end up with no-one because they've broken every connection they had (in which case that's karma for how they've treated others)

I’ve seen this plenty of times with big groups of siblings - I think as there’s loads of you, they all just think someone else will step up so they don’t need to bother. Where as an only child or two siblings know they’ve got obligations…

Just leave your offer there - you’ll look after her if one of them will drive her to you. You can’t really do any more!

I had appalling parents. Appalling. I could tell you stories that would make your hair stand on end. Even so, selfish as I can be in many respects, I wouldn't hesitate to drive one of them to and from hospital. No way I would leave all the burden on one sibling while I shirked off and made excuses.

Because in the end, no matter what you've got going on in your life, refusing to do something so minor for someone who brought you up makes you a truly shitty human being. If the mother had done anything deserving such an uncaring attitude, then presumably all the siblings would have gone no contact with her years ago.

I would be raging in your shoes, OP. I would go full on nuclear with your siblings.

No major family rift. Nothing I am aware of anyway, I'm actually a bit jarred by the number of comments just assuming my mum must have been abusive.

What a brilliant mis interpretation of what i posted!! Lovely, needed a chuckle.

What I meant (obviously) was that nowhere did the OP mention her mum's wishes or in any way talk about what SHE wanted for herself. What about the mum's wishes? You can't just storm in and arrange things for people without their consent because you think you should. OP at that point was complaining that none of her siblings agreed with HER plans and hadn't even mentioned her mum's plans. 'Responsible adult' meaning someone with ability to live by herself and therefore have autonomy over her own life, and be part of decisions made about her. None of which was mentioned in the posts up to then.

If they won't drive her, can they pay for a taxi between them? Frankly, I'd be giving them both barrels and calling them all kinds of selfish. You'll be doing the heavy lifting for the six weeks, all they have to do is get her to yours.

I can see this from both sides. Being a carer is not for everyone. I have been in the position of having a very unwell parent who could not be left on their own for 2 minutes and needed constant prompting.

From what the OP says, this is major surgery and her mother is going to need a "number of weeks" recuperation. She needs live in care, which to me says help with toileting, showering, dressing, medical care, cooking, cleaning - everything. This is a MAJOR commitment for anyone, it's not just popping in to check everything is OK and organising a tesco delivery. It means putting your own life on hold for a period of time. 4 or 5 siblings, a week each moving in with their mother and being there 24/7. This is a big ask.

Unfortunately, social care and district nursing is such that the NHS and social services will expect the family to step in and provide the care which in previous generations would have been in a cottage hospital or similar. And will try every guilt trip in the book to get you to agree - don't you love your mother, a loving child would...., you don't want her in a home.

So just be aware OP that this could be the start of years and years of being expected to step in at a moment's notice to help/care. It is not being selfish to also give some consideration to your own husband and children's needs.

Ignore them as I'm sure you are doing, and be your caring and normal self.

Can you get hospital or other transport?

Yes it is, diddl - which may explain some of us wondering what else is going on here, even though it's impossible to say without knowing those concerned

It’s not unusual to need six weeks of care. A hip replacement is an example (dependent on previous level of fitness).

To confirm, my mum has asked us all for support in making this work. Sorry if this wasn't clear.

I'm going to check this as didn't realise it could be an option but it would be such a huge help.

Not necessarily.

My late husband's adult kids didn't offer any help when he was alive. (He was disabled following a stroke.) Okay - I expected that since he had me, though I was disappointed that they didn't even volunteer to be with him for a day.

However, when their mother (DH's ex) needed surgery (and they were supposedly worried about her because her partner had died) not one of them offered to take her to and from hospital. They claimed to have a good relationship with her, stayed with her for holidays and took money from her (even though they were well off). They supposedly had a good relationship with their father too and took money from him. (They were supposed to stay with us once, but didn't because they didn't want to hurt their mother's feelings.)

One worked from home. The other had retired early. I finished up volunteering to take her to and from hospital because I was sorry for her. I just cannot get my head round her children's attitude. (They thanked me for doing it afterwards, but there was no sign that they would ever step up.)

Both here and elsewhere on social media I'm seeing people saying that parents should always be there for their children but, conversely, children not be expected to help their children. I just can't understand that. (Obviously, if parents have abused their children, that's a different matter.)

Just over 4 days after triple heart bypass surgery my mother took a roughly one hour car journey home. Just as well. I know from experience just how riddled with potentially dangerous microbes hospitals are. The less time spent in hospital, the better.

She was told she needed live-in help for about 4 weeks I think it was, but if she didn’t have help at home she could pay for some sort of convalescence home. It seems that at least one aspect of the NHS has improved under the Conservatives!

Ultimately, I don’t think that just because you see something as an obligation you can expect or assume that your siblings will see it that. I completely understand why you feel the way you do, but although you feel a sense of pressure or concern, that’s your feeling to manage. Your siblings don’t have to react to a pressure they don’t feel.

You said in one of your posts that you couldn’t manage to spend three hours weeks in a small house with someone because you’re autistic. Here’s the thing, though: that is a boundary you’ve set for yourself, as you are entitled to do, for your comfort and wellbeing. Your siblings are absolutely allowed to set their own boundaries for their comfort and wellbeing too. Theirs might be different from yours, but they’re just as valid. Being autistic doesn’t mean you’re the only one who is entitled to refuse things that you feel would be unacceptably stressful.

This sounds familiar to my family situation - both brothers have received substantial help and cash from my parents, been hosted by them at home/on holidays etc.

Yet my brothers don't see the irony in them moaning about my parents not offering regular childcare to the grandchildren, having both gleefully told my parents that they would not be willing to provide any level of care to my parents should they need it.

It's a horribly one-way system.

And it's not just about the physical support either - when my DF was in hospital (following a horrific gardening accident), I insisted on my DM staying with us overnight and I'm so glad I did. She was in shock, and the thought of her not eating and being traumatised in her house all alone didn't bare thinking about. My DBs didn't give a fuck, just passed it off as dad'll be ok and mum can hold herself together.

I honestly don't get how people can be so callous towards their parents. What's the point in having children when they can hurt you so badly with pure selfishness?

It was clear from further posts, don't worry! I also don't think that a doctor is necessarily the best person to decide about care needs, as they are specialists in the medical/surgical side not the daily activities and often inaccurate about this. ( I work woth people recovering at home and see this a lot "doctor told me I need carers 4 times a day" when that isn't the case(.

Is there a pre op team she will see before the surgery? They usually have OTs, Physios and sometimes social care workers who can help work out what care needs she is likely to have. Some trusts can issue equipment in advance to help at home for recovery eg raised toilet seats, commode, grab rails, walking aids which can make it easier to get about.

If she is anxious she may not have fully taken in all the details so maybe accompanying her to an appt might be helpful? Or if you can't then ca n she give permission for you to contact the team yourself?

Unless there is some massive backstory then yes this seems incredibly selfish. One of them could do the drop off and one the collect. Really poor form to not be willing to do this for one of your parents.

Yep this happens. My dad is a driver for these types of trips

She was told she needed live-in help for about 4 weeks I think it was, but if she didn’t have help at home she could pay for some sort of convalescence home

Yes, that's the kind of thing referred to in my link at 18:24, which presumably took the place of the recuperation units of old

However it appears OP prefers to do the care herself and that's absolutely her choice to make. I only hope for her sake that it doesn't create a dependency which isn't necessarily needed or wise

I’m Disgusted with your siblings.
I know for some a three hour round trip might be a lot but actually it really isn’t.
Im sure your siblings wouldn’t think twice about travelling more if they were dropping/ picking up their kids from University. I’ve just done a 10 hour round trip and my other son at Uni is a 3 hour round trip and I consider that nothing.

They need to step up.

She's not well off, according to the OP.

The last time I've had day procedures, I've had to take taxis to hospital (and have used my bus pass to get me home - I have no children). A half-hour journey cost me £40...so maybe £120 for one-half-hours?

What does that have to do with the issue or are you just curious 🤨

What did they say at the discharge planning meeting? If she needs this level of care, does she need any equipment from ot/physio?