For expecting us to call pull together in this crisis?

[NappyBag]

My mum recently found out that she needs major surgery where she will need live-in support for a number of weeks during recovery. She lives alone and isn't in a relationship- basically her only support network is her 5 children.

I live 1.5 hours drive from my mum, but do not have a drivers license due to a chronic illness. I have stepped up and said that I can support mum by letting her move in with me during the weeks she is recovering from surgery, but I would need one of my siblings to drive her to me and collect her at the end of the 3 weeks.

However, they are all making excuses and saying they are busy and don't have time to give her a lift. I understand a 3 hour round trip is a really long drive, but she is our mother. I have offered to cook them a meal and even to stay overnight if this helps, but they have said it's not going to work for them. Most of the excuses are more around how it would be inconvenient for them, rather than genuinely not being able to help. I would give examples but feel this would be outing.

My partner drives, but already has a 2 hour minimum commute every day so adding a 3 hour round trip to this feels like a huge ask. He also has a strict 50:50 custody schedule with his ex where he needs to pick up the kids up as soon as he finishes work on his nights so even if he was willing, this wouldn't be feasible. Not to mention, my mum has 5 children and I don't see why it should be all on me to ensure our mother is cared for, let alone my partner.

Despite the doctor referring to it as major surgery and saying my mum will need live in care for several weeks, one of my siblings has said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'. They also said that that my mum is acting really entitled to expect her kids to give her lifts and look after her when it's her own decision to live alone. Whilst I understand that we all have our own lives and responsibilities, I do think she's our mother who raised us all and sacrificed a lot for us. I am willing to do the lion's share of caring for her, but it doesn't change the fact that I can't drive. I need their help and feel really stressed and frustrated at the lack of empathy and that they won't do their bit.

AIBU for thinking we should all be pulling together and splitting the burden according to what each of us are able to do? Or is it too much for a mum to expect her kids to be there for her in her hour of need? I am autistic and don't always understand the nuances of these situations.

1.5 hours isn't long at all. There is 100% another reason why your siblings do not want to help.

It's not an excuse, it's a genuine reason. I have a full time job that I would lose if I just don't turn up to work. Do you know how hard it is for an autistic person who doesn't drive to even find a job?

I am offering to look after her full time in exchange for someone giving her a lift. If I'm being unreasonable, I can take that feedback but I won't be shamed for doing what I can.

Just to clarify, my mum was a blinding parent to her three youngest children. It was actually me and the eldest where she made the majority of the mistakes. But it's the three younger siblings who are the most dismissive of the situation

That’s quite an interesting thing to say.

Because you can have reasons why that isn't possible to do?

My sister who lived alone had a brain haemorrhage and was in hospital 100 miles away from my home, and 150 miles in the other direction from her home) for about six weeks. We managed to get her discharged to our home for recuperation for the next couple of months. We registered her with our local doctor and she was then able to get local OT support and advice. Firstly she was moved by ambulance to a hospital near us to be assessed over a couple of weeks, and then she was able to come to us.

OP I would look into getting your mother discharged into your care by ambulance. You will need to be insistent but it will more cost effective for the nhs than having to provide carers or respite care. Then worry about getting her back to her home again later on.

It must be so hard and frustrating having such disinterested siblings.

I have a rather difficult relationship with my mother and I would gladly drive her 90 minutes to a sibling's house if they offered to care for her. I'd care for her myself if my sibling who gets along better with her genuinely couldn't do it, to save driving my other sibling to the vape.

Who is going to look after her if you're at work all day?

I may have missed this but if none of them can drive her why can't they pay, between them, for taxis to get her to yours?
Seems like the least they can do given you're willing to do the actual work of looking after her. I'd be putting some kind of rocket up them to get this option OP. She's obviously not a monster so they should be asked to stump up this money.

My lovely employers have agreed to adjustments to support with this, but this doesn't extend to me working from home in another city for over a month.

I'm not shaming you though

You have what you feel is a very valid reason (have you looked if you workplace offers carer's days off? Lots of places now seem to be introducing this as people are in caring roles for family) and they have what they feel is a very valid reason

But only yours is ok?

I wouldn't pitch in for my dad. I have valid reasons for that.
It's impossible to say without knowing their side. Abusive parents often have a device between their children who don't think it was that bad and still feel the obligation to their parents that the others have cut off.

She won't be discharged without care in place, imagine how many elderly people don't have anyone to care for them.

I can't stay with her as I work full time and don't have enough holiday left for the year & she lives in a studio apartment with one bed. Not to mention, with my autism I would really struggle with a change that huge and having no privacy. I want to help but staying at hers would be at a huge detriment to my own well-being.

@NappyBag - It's clear from your posts that you cannot have your mother living with you while she recuperates. If she has to have live in-care that means 24/7 and you simply can't do it. End of. There can be no question of even thinking about it..

You need to be very very firm with the hospital that she cannot be discharged home as it would be an 'unsafe discharge' until care plans are in place and stick to your guns that you can't have her with you. They may push you to say yes, but you MUST say no

Having said that, I do wonder if her Doctor said directly to you that she had to have live in care - or whether she was the one who told you the Doctor had said that? She could be trying to manipulate you, and maybe that is why one of your siblings said 'it's not that bad and that surely she can just live unassisted'.

I think you are trying to hard to be helpful to your Mum. You can't do it, so that's that. Don't put yourself in a position which means your mental health suffers as a result. That is not wrong to look after your own health first.

Painting a friend's house seems like a pretty crap excuse to me... any friend would understand that mum fresh out of surgery would be more of a priority. Wouldn't be surprised if the other siblings had similarly shit excuses.

You're telling me that there's no flexibility during the day or night for several days that they wouldn't be able to ferry her across? Or at least offer to pay for a taxi?

Unfortunately my siblings are similar - just very self-involved, my DM not the easiest to get along with but neither of my brothers cared or helped when my DF (who has not done anything wrong) was in hospital recently.

As long as you are 100% sure you can have your dm stay for three weeks look for volunteer organisations where she lives. There’s one in my village that’ll drive people to hospital appointments, fetch people home from hospital etc… I know it’s a much longer drive than the norm but there might be something in your mum’s area. You can ask siblings to chip in for a donation towards fuel.
Otherwise it’s a taxi and they’ll have to cough up for that.

It's MN where posters pride themselves on (allegedly...) kicking their children out on their 16th or 17th birthday and are miffed at anyone getting family handouts.

Back in the real world, your siblings are disgusting. They should be so grateful you offer to take your mother out of their hand and make her your "problem".

I could understand if they were worried about a long drive after surgery and didn't want to be responsible and alone in the car with her.

when it's her own decision to live alone., why? did they offer for her to live with them? I am guessing not.

OP, has your mum's operation date been fixed? How soon is it?

Maybe they're thinking its going to be in a year or so and can organise things nearer the date? Or maybe they're secretly trying to discourage you from having mum to stay because they know you have a tricky relationship with her and they don't want you to be burdened? Or maybe this is a very new situation that they need to mentally process to work out the best solution? Or maybe they're thinking that its ridiculous that your mum can't access some reablement provision or have carers come into home?

Or maybe they're spoiled, selfish and unsupportive.

Its difficult to tell with limited information and an obvious back story.

If they can't / won't give time, can they give cash and get a whip round for a taxi??

I suggest your mother should cut them out of her will as they don't give a shit

We had a similar situation.
DM had to have an operation, one child living at home and five children who have moved out.

One could accuse us of not doing enough.

What actually happened is we all set boundaries. Quite frankly our mother was not the best growing up and none of us have a great relationship with her. DM would have loved to have been cossetted and pandered to. She got back what she put in and didn't appreciate what we did manage.

She's only in her early 60s ... if none of her other children will offer her a lift she will have to book a taxi

It would be a very very major operation that requires live in care for six weeks after.

The normal NHS offer is that you are entitled to six weeks re-ablement care at home after hospital discharge. My dad had this a number of times. It was extremely helpful as the carers were trained in lifting etc and while my mum was there she didn't know how to move people.

If it is more major than that then it is possible a place at a rehab may be offered as a step down between hospital and home.

How sure are you that live in care free from a family member is the only option?

It's a really kind thing you are offering,OP, to look after your mother like that.

But people do have major surgery and find a different solution to having a live in carer. It sounds like you have unilaterally made the decision about what should happen and expect your siblings to do what you ask.

Maybe you could all get together (including your mum) and try to find a solution that everyone could agree on?

It's not "a crisis", as there is time to make plans. If she lives alone, and has no help, she needs to say this to the docs, and then support can be provided. Any medic will tell you that this is what needs to happen. There really is no obligation on family to take on the role of carer.

One sibling said they're painting a friends house? they know that exact day they'll be doing that? fuck off!
What horrible selfish people, not or of the three can take the time to drive their mother to you and be absolved of any support or care.
Maybe find out if she is entitled to patient transport.