Is this inappropriate? Family photo.

[condecco]

My friend just lost her child to cancer less than 2 weeks ago. Obviously she’s broken

Her best friend yesterday updated her Facebook to change a profile photo to a family photo (her, her partner and her two children). Proper staged photo, posed, on holiday all matching outfits and sunglasses.

Friend who lost her child has liked the photo. Aibu and thinking too much into this. I just wouldn’t so soon after my BEST friend lost her child be uploading happy family photos of my children/immediate family within 10 days of this .. just reminding her of what she’s now lost.

The best friend has another role to play - being there for her friend in whatever capacity that takes. Her own private social media has no bearing on this. The bereaved woman can choose to stay off the internet (she would probably do well to) if she is likely to be triggered. Tbh, two weeks in, she is going to be emotionally stuffed regardless. That is NORMAL.
I lost my beloved gran just before Mother's Day. Should my mum and I have banned everyone we know from putting pictures of their mums/grans online? Or buying them cards/flowers when we didn't even yet have a grave to put flowers on?

I understand where you’re coming from OP as that would be my initial thoughts, however having read these replies by posters who have sadly lost children, it seems that it wouldn’t be viewed as insensitive.

There are two ways of looking at it. I can completely understand the pp response who says she’d prefer to see a happy family pic than to hear people moaning about small stuff. That’s completely understandable.

What are you talking about?

How is posted a photo that doesn’t include the child who died mean they will never be forgotten?

Your not starting drama, I understand what you are saying. I personally wouldn't have uploaded a picture but that's just me. I would think this is insensitive as well but we all have different thoughts and feelings about such a sensitive subject. I'm sure her friend who has lost her child wouldn't have liked the photo if she felt it was wrong. As a few people have said who have been in this position, they didn't want people walking on eggshells. We are all different.

Well I'd say it was extremely insensitive. I'm often surprised by how often perfectly 'nice' people seem immune to the pain of others, even when those others are quite close. Facebook is a nightmare in this respect - best delete it.

You're being ridiculous.

When someone experiences a tragedy, other people's lives don't stop. What do you expect your friend's best friend to do? Pretend her own children don't exist or hide them away for the rest of their lives?

I have a friend who lost a child a few days after he was born. She is, and always will be, acutely aware of what she has lost - just as much now, 11 years later, as she was just after the death.

If her eldest son was still alive, he'd be starting secondary school in September and yes, when she sees photos of other people's kids standing by the front door on their first day, she will inevitably think 'That would have been my son if he'd lived' and she will feel sad. But she will also feel happy to see her friends' kids growing up and she will like the pictures. She doesn't resent other people for having something she doesn't have.

I am pretty sure that your friend wouldn't be looking at social media if she didn't want to see pictures of other people being happy right now.

I see where you are coming from too. I would not have uploaded something like that either and I am a bereaved parent. I did also leave FB after my daughter died as things like this did upset me and I had to do this to look after myself.

Yes life does go on but for me, I was hyper sensitive and just needed to remove myself from things that would upset me. The death of your child is impossible to truly comprehend I think until you have walked that path.

Has your friend said that she is upset by the photo or do you think that she should be?

I can see where you’re coming from but I don’t think the friend has necessarily done anything wrong. How long was she meant to go without changing her profile pic to one of her family? One month, 6 months, 1 year?

You have taken it upon yourself to get annoyed about this; to tell others they are “snarky” if they disagree. It’s so performative.

Let your friend decide for herself if she’s upset.

You're the one trying to start an argument with everyone!

Not your offence to be had. Don’t worry about it.

To be fair your Op is snarky.

You are judging someone for something you think someone else might be upset about, even though there’s no proof they are upset.

Plenty of bereaved people do not want everyone else second guessing what they do in their own space in case it upsets them. Seeing people happy can something that momentarily lifts you.

What is, in your opinion, the right amount of waiting time before you share any family photos, if you know someone who is grieving?

This is nothing to do with you, stop stirring the pot.

For all you know, the bereaved friend and best friend might have talked about the importance of making memories with your children and savouring the time you have with them.

Mind your own business.

If your friend is feeling up to looking on FB, then she knows what to expect on there. She also knows that her friends profile picture is not to do with her, it isn't a dig rubbing in how happy her family are, it is just a new profile pic.

As your friend liked it, I think you can rest assured that her best friend has been a good friend to her, not someone insensitive or showing off their life. You have this single snapshot, because your relationship is not as close as theirs, you are not seeing the picture in the context of support, phone calls, hugs, tears etc - it is a total non event for a friendship carried out mainly off line.

I was thinking the same about you OP.
You are seeking offence where none exists.

I think if the bereaved parent isn’t bothered about it then just leave it, sometimes people do things that perhaps don’t seem kind or thoughtful to others but are fine with the people involved, no point you being offended for her. This is also why I am not on sm anymore fb especially the drama that creates and hassle it seems to cause, life is much more peaceful without it

My friend lost a child.

1. It's not up to you to dictate how she handles her grief- the fact she liked it clearly means she wasnt upset by it so you getting angry on her behalf is both pointless and unnecessary. You also have no idea what conversations they may have had in private
2. When you are grief stricken, you see reminders on a DAILY basis- even going to the corner shop you will see someone with a child who is about the same age and it will be a knife in your heart so its impossible to avoid - same with tv programmes or the news.
3. We are all responsible for our own feelings. Your friend may rightly decide to come off social media if she finds it painful as family pics on SM are literally everywhere so they are unavoidable. This one friend not posting will make zero difference as she'll see a million other family pics on other people's profiles
4. How much time do you feel is appropriate?- a month, a year, two years?- really not for you to decide this
5. To me, this sounds like you want to attack this person and give them a smack down for your own reasons rather than it being altruistic on behalf of your friend.

I think I’d hate more if everyone went silent and didn’t share their lives but people are different so I don’t know what your friend thinks. Life is hard

I don't know. I might find seeing the photo painful. I don't know if I would feel that the other friend shouldn't have posted it, though. You can find something very painful and also not feel that it shouldn't be there.

The friend posted a picture of her own family.

The bereaved parent liked the photo.

At what point are other people who know the family suffering the loss of a child allowed to do things they normally do, OP? Is there an etiquette cut off date. Would 14 days as opposed to 10 be fine.

If a picture of a friend's family had triggered them they wouldn't have liked the picture or they might have scrolled past or not even looked at social media.

I think the op was being thoughtful

I understand what you are saying but as others who have sadly been in the situation of you friend inform you this isn’t the case it really just doesn’t matter at all the pain is to overwhelming

i would ask for this to be taken down as it’s turned nasty when it really shouldn’t have

OP, it was you who said "just reminding her of what she’s now lost."

I advise you to stop thinking about this, you are not coming across well.

🎣🎣🎣

If your friend is feeling up to looking on FB, then she knows what to expect on there.

I agree with this. FB doesn't have a 'bereaved' filter.