Boyfriend wants me to put his car under my car insurance

[CrossingBoundaries007]

Sorry for the log post. First for the backstory I have been dating this he's really nice, kind, affectionate, not stingy etc. He has expressed a desire to to marry me. He is divorced with 3 kids.

The issue is that when we met he told me about his bad credit. I wasn't really sure why but he had some debt, so hasn't been able to get a mortgage but he is self employed (contractor) earns comfortably so he's been trying to pay it off.

The issue now is recently he's found it hard to pay his bills. He works hard but the contacts have not been as consistent and many don't pay as well as before. He's just told me he can't pay his car insurance which was really high and he can't pay his rent and he pays the rent of his ex wife ) (in full) who the children live with and he has a child in a fee private school school fees is around 7k. He never discussed his choice to put his child in private school with me he just told me after the fact and that's a big part of my he has large outgoings. He's now finding it hard to pay that also.

The insurance company have cancelled his insurance for not paying and he really needs his car to drive to work which can be very far away sometimes.

i want to help him I suggested speaking to citizens advice etc but he's suggested I put his car under my name so he can continue to drive it. He has about 12 points on his licence (speeding) and is at risk of losing his licence which he's going to court for to appeal.

I feel bad for him but what would you wise ladies do in this situation. A I being unreasonable to say no. I'm a single mum btw.

I am saddened to read that the OP has lost a sense of perspective or has low self esteem.

No one with 12 points for speeding is kind. Think of the low chance of being caught and so how many times he has endangered his life and others.

You are right, I'm learning new things on Mumsnet everyday.

There are something like 30,000 people with 12 points and not banned. If you go to court and say you need to drive to earn a living they let you keep your licence. No wonder there are so many deaths on our roads

That's his choice to send his DC to a private school, and who knows when the time comes despite what he says he may want to give his other DC the same but with paying his Ex's full rent he obviously hasnt got the money in his budget so not at all feasible to continue long term.

He's pretty much asking you to sub his, his Ex wife and their DC's lifestyle.

Wouldn't you have to change all the V5 to you being the owner if he wants you to put the insurance in your name?

Or maybe that'll be to much faff and he knows this so will suggest you hand over the money to pay it and keep the car in his name.

Yeah to be fair they do tend to be lenient on sob stories. But according to the rules needing your car for work is not exceptional hardship and millions of us need our car for work? It’s not like he has to drive around a disabled child or something like that. So according to the rules he should still have to do the ban and hopefully he will get a strict magistrate. Clearly a nasty piece of work who thinks rules don’t apply to him.

Worrying isn't it?

Obviously there are unusual cases where exceptions make sense, but 30,000???

Wouldn't you have to change all the V5 to you being the owner if he wants you to put the insurance in your name?

V5C has nothing to do with ownership though.

Thanks for explaining, @Glittertwins. 😀

And agree the 'partner' needs binned.

20% extra on private school fees for Labour's VAT tax added probably very soon.

CrossingBoundaries007,
Do you feel able to refuse him?

Absolutely! I'm saying no, I just realised that these were the reasons I wanted to end it because I can't tell him the truth about my thoughts around some of his decisions. I have all these things in my head I can't say cos I don't want to hurt him.

BTW When he mentioned it the insurance thing I just went silent. Perhaps I was in shock at the way he put it to me.

"If you really want to offer practical help, you should add my car to your insurance rather than telling me to contact CAB or any other agency that can't do anything"

Why should you work to pay his insurance while his ex wife doesn't have to work? If you pay this, then you are funding her "lady of leisure" lifestyle (its certainly leisurely compared to a working single mum).

If you really want to get help for your self-inflicted shitty situation, maybe learn to read speed limit signs and stop spunking thousands up the wall on school fees for your son that you can’t afford. Enjoy getting the bus for the next six months and don’t call me again please.

She's started working now, she started working after they split up. It was while they were together she was a "kept woman" most the time anyway.

OP, your partner has shown you what he is like so believe him. He had a go at you for asking him to pay back money you lent him, calling you unsupportive yet pays for his kid to go to private school.

He also wants to go on your car insurance because he is a careless and bad driver with 12 points. No, just no.

It really is time to say goodbye to this one, and mean it.

Crossing boundaries,
Even if you decide not to get rid of him, please, do not get in a car with him!

I very much doubt the kept woman was a lady of leisure, I bet she spent her time turning herself backwards trying to keep the family with their heads above the water while he was experimenting in business and wasting the family money.

Many women are not able to keep a job when they do have children with selfish irresponsible men. Simply put, the guy is a loose cannon tripping them right left and centre so they cannot plan, focus on the job or give the job the priority it needs, while the father is letting the family down constantly and not doing his fair share of childcare or house chores (I know you say he is helpful but… do you think she would have married him if he wasn’t in the first place? It is when the relationship progresses that you start seeing their true colours).

Whey do you think you will do op?

Yeah, being a SAHM of small kids isn't a leisurely life. I meant leisurely compared to a working single mum.

But it turns out the ex isn't a SAHM mum anymore anyway.

All of this !
Don't get sucked into helping him out with money , loans , place to live etc.
Advice him again to go to cab , speak to his ex about payments for dcs ( not that his dcs should suffer because he is no good with money ) go to a credit union .
As soon as he starts to lean on you he will hold you down .

His bills are not your problem op.

You are not married, he is not living with you, he is not your child, he is a grown adult who is responsible for his own financial affairs and that's it.

You owe him fuck all, good luck getting rid 👍

There's no way he is funding the ex. Its codswallop.

I agree. Bet you any money if you spoke to her she'd have a thing or two to tell you! If he's self employed as well he's probably only putting 12k through the books so he can get away with paying her a pittance

@CrossingBoundaries007 You've had lots of good advice, and it is all pretty solid in saying NO.

NO to anything about transferring car insurance
NO to lending him any more money
NO to letting him move in with you (however sad and difficult his circumstances are)
NO to prioritising him above anything to do with the financial security and stability of you and your dc

Your posts sound like you're hearing this loud and clear.

It's OK to like someone who is financially imcompetent, it's OK to be attracted to their other qualities. It's OK to feel the romance of them wanting to be with you long term. But it's never OK to link finances or property, or to get married to someone like this. See him as a friend, enjoy sex together. That's it.

As a single parent I met a great guy. Fireworks City! But it became evident that despite being in a high paying medical job he could not manage his money. If he got an overtime bonus of £1K he'd spend it - £600 on paying down his debt, plus £600 on buing a new bike, plus £600 on meals out, new clothes, a generous present for a friends wedding. It's not difficult to guess that the bike got bought, the meals, clothes, present got bought. He was another £200 in debt. Not a penny paid towards it.

OP, your boyfriend had a good paying job (or did he?). But he's spent beyond his means. He has been financially generous in the wrong ways. His income has reduced and he's not found a way to reduce his outgoings. That is a disastrous scenario. Plus his approach to risk taking is abysmal. I read once that having 3 points on your licence is acceptable - you possibly take a few well judged risks (doing 80 on a clear motoway in good weather, or ocassionaly run an amber light). More than that is a concern. It's someone who can't control their impulses to speed, or cut corners or to drive recklessly. Or to spend money.

Pleas back away from rescuing this man. He cannot be rescued.