Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

Lucky you. Not everyone has perfect bowel health

I wouldn’t be that bothered about adding their laundry to loads I was doing anyway but if you don’t want to then tell your DH that either he does it or his DC do it

Too young for such responsibility??? What absolute rubbish. They absolutely should be doing it.

No way are they too young!

I'd show them how it works, give them the opportunity to ask questions about what cycle for what fabrics etc.

I would also give them a slot/day for them to do their laundry, so that you do not find they've shoved theirs in when you need to use the washer, and theres no arguing between them either.

And then let them at it - its their choice (and their fathers) whether they do their laundry on their days or they nag Daddy into doing it for them.

Dh or I do all the washing here, including for our dc 29 & 18 and I do all the cooking. They are both perfectly capable of doing their own but I have fibromyalgia and find hoovering and cleaning the bathrooms particularly hard going also carrying shopping bags or heavy items. My dc do these things for me. A bit of give and take is what works for us. They are, however, not too young.

@Lri

I'm wondering where they picked up the notion that you should be doing their laundry for them. I don't think that came out of thin air, do you? Do you think your DH or their mum said something? At any rate, if you don't want to do it, then don't. No excuses needed about handling other's manky laundry. Just "No, they're old enough and need to do it themselves".

I learnt to do laundry around aged 14 but my mum pretty much did the laundry unless I wanted something special washed and it wasn't 'laundry day'. But if so, I was expected to wash whatever was in the basket, not just my few pieces as she 'didn't want to waste water'. I was the same with my sons, I didn't expect them to routinely wash their clothes but if I wasn't planning on doing laundry, then they needed to do it themselves. I'd say they did their own quite a bit since they seemed incapable of 1-putting dirty clothes in their basket and 2-bringing the basket downstairs when I shouted up the stairs 'Doing the laundry today!'.

My cleaner washes my pants, FFS - they're just bits of fabric. I really don't get what all the fuss is about - whoever is doing the washing (inc kids) just chucks stuff in.

I agree. What in earth is inappropriate about washing other peoples underwear! I have 3 daughters, I’ve not had much choice in the matter especially as one of them is now a disabled adult living with me.I wouldn’t have wanted them to feel that their periods were dirty or distasteful somehow. I personally couldn’t be doing with everyone doing separate washing , would’ve driven me bonkers . As long as it made it to the washing basket, and got put away when clean by them I was happy. With help hanging up etc as required, and any other appropriate tasks.
They’ve managed to grow into fully capable adults with their own homes, so I must’ve done something ok. Apart from the severely disabled one, but that’s another story. Actually she puts her own clothes away sometimes come to think of it! Not necessarily in the right places but 🤷‍♀️

17 is old enough to do their own laundry, and 14 is old enough to learn how to use the machine and start doing laundry, too.
Could they perhaps put their underwear into zip up laundry net bags, so that you don't have to touch them directly when loading the machine with a family wash? Then when clean, they could be hung with the rest, or the teens could help you to hang out the laundry / hang up their own ... ?
xx

If she's old enough to menstruate she can wash her panties! Good lord, she's 14 years not months. Get a grip.

I was doing my own washing from when I was 13. This was in the days of the old twin tubs when you had to more or less physically stand over it for an hour…wash the whites first, then the mid coloureds, then the really dark stuff.

They’re old enough to do it themselves

I also don't really understand each person doing their own washing independently of everyone else in the house. We have one washing basket. When a load is in there it will get put on by someone.

I would be more concerned if he thinks they are too young for any chores. If I'm putting a wash in it would take longer to remove my teens stuff than just do it. I do however expect them to prepare tea if I need them to.

ok… well I guess that tells us that we clearly don’t share the same issues when it comes to other peoples’ dirty washing then.

Unless you are taking the washing down to the river and beating it with a stone then I think you or anyone should wash what is dirty when the washing basket is full.

You don’t wash your husbands pants ? That’s a bit .. nuts .! My husband and both do the washing and will quite happily throw each others knickers into the wash! Do you have a washing basket each ? Does he just save up his knickers somewhere separate? How long for, does he have 100’s of pairs ?! So many questions, sounds far too much for me to deal with!

Yes, this .

It's reasonable but I don't know any teenagers that do this, and I don't expect my own to do it either - mainly because they'd never have a full wash so it makes sense for me to to do it with everything else and also because they'd end up washing something like a pair of jeans on their own just because they wanted them. Much easier to do it myself.

I also do my SCs washing because why wouldn't I if I'm doing the washing 🤔 it hardly takes a lot of effort.

Exactly.

There is nothing difficult about washing,'or even time-consuming. People make such a fuss over laundry.

Rule in my house was that when they got 16, they did their own washing, ironing and cleaning of their rooms. If they wanted to live in a ST - it was down to them . I have three children and two went off to Uni - no way would I want to have got involved in bringing clothes home to wash.

I’m quite anal about the laundry. Everyone has a laundry basket where they put stuff and I go round and collect lights or darks every day to put on. I then put it in piles for the kids to put away themselves. They are rather younger than your stepchildren

your dh is being an arse. But in your shoes I’d do it mostly because I couldn’t bare having the washing machine on more than it is already

Wait, what? Your DH does his own pant wash? Or he does all his clothes? Men’s pants really are just the same as any other item of clothing surely? Women’s underwear is slightly different i suppose in that there is typically some discharge (not something I’d personally get upset about but can at least see a distinction), men’s pants are not ‘soiled’ unless your DH can’t wipe his bum… which surely he can?!

So what age does he think is acceptable to do their own washing?

He's being ridiculous by not teaching them to learn basic life skills.

No way would I be washing their clothes either.

This has flummoxed me too.

Separately - does your DH wear knickers??

I don't think there is anything inappropriate in washing you step children's clothing. However, teens are old enough to do there own. Most teens I know have a laundry basket in their room and they are in charge if their own laundry.

How will the 17 year old cope with going to university if they cant work a washing machine?