How do I get over my mum telling lies about me?

[allatseawiththis]

As the title says, my mum tells lies about me. This happens usually when I do something she doesn’t like, or when I have a big life event which she’s not in control over.

The latest example is that she told my sibling that DH and I hadn’t told her when our next scan is (I’m currently expecting DC1). The thing is, I was sitting opposite my mum and next to DH when he looked in his phone calendar for the scan date and told her. My dad was there too, but apparently ‘really doesn’t remember’.

Previously, when I moved to DH’s town when our relationship was getting more serious, she told my family that I’d moved without telling her where I’d gone. In fact, not only had I told her, I’d also written down the address for her on a piece of paper.

She also likes to rewrite the past - apparently I caused her ‘a lot more bother’ at school than my sibling, even though every one of my school reports without exception said that it’d be nice if I actually spoke in class or put my hand up occasionally.

I’m just sick and tired of her lying and getting away with it. I asked my dad why he let her lie about the scan and he said he genuinely can’t remember being told when it was - we were all sitting there together!

If I lower contact, I get bombarded with calls and messages about how I don’t love her. In the past, she sent me an email saying that if she walked in front of a lorry tomorrow, then I’d regret not seeing her more.

How do I get over this?

Let it go. You are never going to change your mother, and you can't reason with the unreasonable. Go as low contact as you can, stop sharing information with her, and don't fall for her manipulative guilt trips. You know the truth, that's enough.

You have to accept her for who she is- an unreliable narrator with an axe to grind- and learn not to care.

When something is raised that's not true, just laugh.
'She said she didn't know? Oh she's funny!'
'Me, difficult at school? Haha, she must be thinking of someone else!'

Stop hoping she'll change and be a nice mum. She can't.

You can’t change your mum regardless of why she does these things.

Do you really think it’s an attempt to manipulate and not crappy memory ?

Your dad goes along with her crap and pretends that her version of the truth is the truth because that’s the easiest way for him to deal with her. It probably suits him to have her focus her moaning on you because if it’s not on you, it could be on him and he’d rather enable her behaviour than confront her with the truth.

I would probably pick between telling her stuff and going along with her delusions that it didn’t happen and not telling her anything and going along with her emotional blackmail. The latter would annoy me less so I would accept her creating a victim narrative. You need to realise that you will never make her happy and she probably enjoys telling stories about you being mean to her to other people. Other people will listen out of politeness but probably know deep down that she is full of shit.

Have you had a sit down chat with her about this?

I genuinely don’t know why people are like this, feel like they just thrive on drama

I would go with ‘recollections may vary’ each and every time with a smile she then let it go while inwardly eye rolling

This. She is not going to change. She wants to make you look bad. She is out to hurt you.

Other possible responses include:

(Sad and weary voice) "Oh, Mum, you know that's not true. You need to stop making these things up." And repeat. "Mum, really. We all know it's not true. Seriously, you need to stop doing this." (Always the sad and weary voice.)

(Concerned voice) "But Mum, that didn't happen at all. Are you OK? I'm worried you seem to be getting confused a lot recently. Are you sure you're OK? When did you last see your GP? ... Would you like me to make you an appointment?"

Or - best of all - just avoiding her...

Thank you all for your replies. I’ve posted about various parts of her behaviour before and always got great advice, and validation as well, which helps me feel like I’m not going mad.

@Mumtoson123 yes, I’ve tried that. First of all I got ‘stop this silliness’, and then she cried all over me and begged me to tell her I love her, and then when I did, she looked me right in the face and said ‘I know you hate me’.

You’re all right that she isn’t going to change. Thank you for replying x

She sounds a bit cuckoo

I like this idea, thank you. I wouldn’t even have to pretend to be sad and weary, that’s quite an accurate description of how I feel about it.

.

Personally I'd stop arguing with her and just agree.
Oh shot I'm so sorry mum I didn't tell you I forgot.
Oh I'm such a terrible daughter.
Oh I gave you such he'll as a teenager.
Takes her fun away

You could get round this by making a family group chat and then no one can be fooled.

Thanks @GennyLec, we’ve tried that but these untruths are said about things that happened in person (even with other witnesses around, like my dad and DH) or with physical evidence (like the piece of paper with my new address on).

Definitely let it go. My DM constantly rewrote history from the age I was about 6 months old until I was in my 40s and stopped listening.

Nothing I said changed her actions.

So I just created a phrase to label such moments of madness, 'fantasyland', and used to shrug and walk away or hang up.

It became a standard phrase among my siblings.

Back away. When your dc arrives you really won't be arsed with her crap.. My dm was very similar.. I went nc. She sent a Woe Is Me letter.. In the bin it went. Been 12 years.
Your df is enabling her prob after years of learning what to do for a quiet life...
Text her any info you feel she needs then you can screenshot and resend her when she lies.. Call her out every time op. Boundaries... Yanbu to have them..

Yes, or make up your own stuff. Spend family occasions telling your cousins about the time you ran away with the circus aged 14 and got pregnant by the lion tamer, and that you concealed your pregnancy from your mother and only told her you had a child when it was about to turn 17 or something.

Thank you @Beautifulbythebay. I really don’t want my baby exposed to this drama, but my dad told me (when I asked why he hadn’t corrected my mum about the scan) that she’s really looking forward to being a granny. But I don’t want her ‘being a granny’ if she’s happy to lie about me, her own daughter and her GC’s mum.

She has no rights.. Remember that. My dm was no better a dgm than she was a dm. She would whisper in corners suggesting dc not tell me things. Called them different names as she didn't like the ones I has chosen. Had been nc 10 years previously but have our relationship another go. Regretted it within 2 weeks. Back in her box forever now.

She’s only looking forward to being a granny because it gives her more to lie about. Step far away.

Sorry you are dealing with this.
Go and have a look at the Stately Homes thread in Relationships, I think you’ll get a lot of insight from posters there.
Also have a google of Fragile egos. These things may be her truth because it’s easier for her to accept her truth than the actual truth, it’s like a self protection mechanism.
E.G. My daughter is moving away to live with a man, I am losing her and she will love someone else more. People will see that she loves me less and I will look bad. If I make her look bad instead I become the victim and people will support me not her.
It’s not logical and it probably is no longer conscious by her so you just won’t change her and you won’t win an argument. The best tactic is grey rock if she does this stuff. She says “you didn’t tell me about your scan” and you just say “oh” or as little as possible.
Also google enmeshed family. Because the scan thing is a bit much.
good luck x

Are you on the narcissist mother's group? You'll be in good company with us there!

When I've highlighted lies it then leads to more lies. You'll never ever change that. I like to call out the lies but I learn a lesson every time. Reduce what I say, reduce contact.

These types of people are generally incredibly poisonous and will NEVER change ever.

@Pantaloons99 is the N Mothers group different to the stately homes group?

I am @Pantaloons99, thank you 🙏🏼

@AmoungUs I agree it’s all a bit much. She seems to feel entitled to know about or somehow control my body, which I find very uncomfortable.

I went travelling when I was about 22 and had travel injections - she went crazy when she found this out (about the injections, not the travelling) from my gran rather than from me, but I’d just mentioned it in passing to my gran and didn’t think it mattered enough to specifically mention to my mum. Surely getting a couple of jabs is not a big deal? She stopped talking to me over that.

She also blew up when I started wearing contact lenses at about age 19-20.

She was always incredibly difficult and enmeshed when my sibling and I were young and going through puberty. We had to have the bathroom door wedged open when we had a bath, even when we were in our teens. I remember the relief when I realised (?!) that I could just lock the door and she couldn’t stop me. She would comment on our bodies, walk into our rooms unannounced etc. I remember my sister being 6-7 years old and wearing shorts because it was summer, and mum chasing her shouting ‘sexy legs’ at her.

She's insufferable isn't she?

I don't know what to suggest, other than to keep her firmly at arm's length and tell her as little as possible.

My elderly Dad does the same thing, mainly rewriting the past in my case. He’s had lifelong MH issues and has trouble coping with real life sometimes so I put it down to that.

All you can do is accept that they’re not going to change and be careful what you tell them…and feel relieved that you have your own life that’s completely separate from them/out of their control. As a PP said, your father is going along with her for a quiet life.