How do I get over my mum telling lies about me?

[allatseawiththis]

As the title says, my mum tells lies about me. This happens usually when I do something she doesn’t like, or when I have a big life event which she’s not in control over.

The latest example is that she told my sibling that DH and I hadn’t told her when our next scan is (I’m currently expecting DC1). The thing is, I was sitting opposite my mum and next to DH when he looked in his phone calendar for the scan date and told her. My dad was there too, but apparently ‘really doesn’t remember’.

Previously, when I moved to DH’s town when our relationship was getting more serious, she told my family that I’d moved without telling her where I’d gone. In fact, not only had I told her, I’d also written down the address for her on a piece of paper.

She also likes to rewrite the past - apparently I caused her ‘a lot more bother’ at school than my sibling, even though every one of my school reports without exception said that it’d be nice if I actually spoke in class or put my hand up occasionally.

I’m just sick and tired of her lying and getting away with it. I asked my dad why he let her lie about the scan and he said he genuinely can’t remember being told when it was - we were all sitting there together!

If I lower contact, I get bombarded with calls and messages about how I don’t love her. In the past, she sent me an email saying that if she walked in front of a lorry tomorrow, then I’d regret not seeing her more.

How do I get over this?

But her lying is not in the past, it is very much in the present.

I think you need to tell your dad to stop lying to himself and look around and listen to what is going on because at this rate you won’t be in contact with her or him if he continues to rewrite history.

My mother was like this - self-centered and 'didn't do emotions'. Then the self-centredness, inappropriateness and mood swings got worst for about 10-15 years post-menopause and now she has full-on dementia. Seems like a pathway for lots of these narcissistic types. She may genuinely not remember the things you're telling her OP.

I went NC with my mother many many years ago.

The relief at not having her in my life made me so happy and so much lighter.
I wasn’t carrying the weight of her expectations to be someone I am not around with me

Looking back I think my first primary school teacher spotted something in me.
I could read, write and do maths before I went to school. I also had some understanding of a couple of languages (multi lingual household) However I had a few things that probably looked like ADHD/Autism
My mother I know was called into school to discuss some of my traits. (Not sitting down in class, walking home a couple of times, always distracted and day dreaming etc)
I struggled through my childhood and adulthood before my own dd gave me the list of symptoms that indicated ADHD.

I wonder if I had a mother who actually knew me, and didn’t have a set view of me, how different my life would have been if I had gotten the help and meds i needed. Also what her own life would have been like as without a doubt she has ADHD, along with all of my family
And for that one thing I can’t speak to her again. Even going no contact, she ruined my life for decades.

Yalta, @Yalta I could have written most of that. I think I have adhd and I think my mother has asperger syndrome, I was sociable or I had social needs, I was bilingual, I cared about people and cared what they thought so I did wonder if I was on the spectrum occasionally but decided that I was too friendly and had too much empathy. But of course, I am either up all night tidying or I leave the mess for months, I am impulsive, I overshare I'm sensitive, I can't be a jack of most trades, no, I'm a disaster at most things and exceptional at things that don't serve me 8n the job market. I never forget faces or names or where I met somebody. If I'm watching a show I'm the one who recognises the actor from another show ten years ago. If I see a word written down, I never forget, but now we have auto correct so big deal.
My mother just doesn't like me. I'm too sensitive, too connected to what I feel, too flawed. She wanted a robot gor a daughter.

Interestingly, imo, even though she hates the emotion of a my visible reaction to her labelling me, excluding me or manipulating me, she doesn't see her own disapproving cold shoulder as an "emotion".

Her pain proves I'm the villain and she's the victim.
My pain proves I'm crazy and I need help.

Thanks to the late Queen there is the perfect response to liars, Recollections differ! Call her a liar without calling her a liar.

@sashh - made things up - awful things, cruel, hurtful, downright nasty
after years of no contact, me with my own dc in their teens, she died, we
attended the funeral, their (very weird) ndn said, Its very brave of you to
show your face and with those children

Some people are just wicked and it isn’t our fault. Sadly for many of us
they were our mothers.

I didn’t feel anything when she died

I’m sorry for all of us who have suffered because of our ‘mothers’ and with
fathers who do not protect, you know, the ones who ‘don‘t remember’

Good luck with the baby OP, rest and tranquil music for you, hoping
you will return with a happy baby update.

Interesting quote, and totally my mum!

I had therapy about my childhood when I was pregnant and my therapist says it’s very very common for people to feel the need to draw a line in abusive relationships with family when they become parents due to the protective instincts.

I also realised that I’d always had a little bit of “maybe I’ll understand them more when I’m a parent and I know what that feels like” in me, and then when I was pregnant I understood them even less than ever!

It sounds like you still feel under her power a little bit (leftover programming from childhood) but you’ve actually grown up into a woman who is more intelligent and mature than her own mother. It’s time to adjust and be more confident in yourself.

I’ve been NC with my mum for a long time but growing up she always told embarrassing, embellished stories about me doing something embarrassing in front of people. I would just politely laugh along and die inside.

As an adult when she tried to do it to me one time, I found my confidence and said to the group “No, it didn’t happen like that, Mum.” and briefly explained the mundane that did actually happen. I rolled my eyes and smiled at them in a lighthearted way that said “I get this all the time”. I got understanding smiles back.

Jealousy as reason and weapon, the ‘mirror mirror on the wall’ scenario,
doesn’t have to be a wicked step mother, sometimes the antagonist who
would do you harm is more home grown.

I agree with the therapist: having a baby, being connected to your own child, will throw her terrible parenting into relief. Secretly abused children believe they deserve the ill treatment they get. They spend so much time under the control of their parents that they partially avcept the blame and responsibility for how they are treated. “Even if I didn’t mean to make her angry I must have brought it on somehow.”

When you hold that baby in your arms it is going to be so terribly, wonderfully, obvious that your baby is innocent and does not deserve this kind of treatment. And you will realize how innocent and loving you were at that age. You will be aghast at the way you were treated.

It is a revelation and will bring about a lot of healing (I hope).

Thank you all so much for all of your posts, I’ve been reading them all 🙏🏼 so so much to think about and I’m really sorry to all those of you who’ve had similar experiences.

I totally agree with this, I used to give mum (and dad) the benefit of the doubt and say well they’d never been parents before so they didn’t know what to do with me. When I first had counselling at uni aged about 19, I told the counsellor that and she said I seemed very emotionally mature about it, but I’m not sure that’s right at all - emotionally, I was totally cut off from myself because I’d been too scared to feel, I think?

But anyway, now I’m past thinking that, because there’s making mistakes, which everyone does, and there’s the rupture and repair thing where you apologise for whatever it is that you’ve done wrong - and then there’s emotional and psychological manipulation and neglect and abuse, which is not the same thing at all.

I actually spoke to my gran today (mum’s mum) who knows what she’s like and understands more than a lot of other people IRL do. Mum cut her off before we were born for quite a time, and we didn’t see a huge amount of her when we were growing up, but she knows how mum can be and has been on the receiving end of her behaviour just as much as I have, really. So it was quite reassuring in a way, although it’s still very sad.

She won't change. You either have to accept her or go no contact with her. Mine is the same but the lies shes told are beyond reason at this point. I neglect my child, I have adrug and alcohol problem, I have been involved with police, I have had affairs with married men... the list goes on. Not one thing is true. It is incredible the things they will lie about to get others to not like us so therefore we are drawn back to them again and again feeling they are the only ones in support of us when they are the ones that have caused the isolation to begin with.

I would rather die totally alone than ever have contact with my mother again.

Reading all your updates why do you want this woman in your life at all? She sounds really toxic.

Honestly, I’m at the stage where I don’t any more. But she will never ever let me go quietly, it will be an utterly toxic drama as soon as I start lowering contact. Which I know I need to do for my/our small family’s wellbeing. But it will be hideous when it happens.

She’s spent 30 years emotionally neglecting and abusing me, but is genuinely convinced that she is utterly entitled to have a starring role in my life in spite of the fact she was never interested in me or my feelings/needs as a child. It’s a very confusing, toxic situation.

The more I try to quietly pull away, she more drama she will create.

Can someone please link to the narcissist mother thread?

Oh god learn from my mistakes. Go NC now. My biggest regret is not, because I thought the baby might change her and didn’t want to deprive her of being a grandma.

Learn from me, and don’t ruin your memories of the first year like I did, only to go NC anyway.

Withdraw slowly, expect fireworks; ignore them all. It does end, I promise.

Here it is @StopInhalingRevels https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/parenting/4918259-quotes-from-narcissistic-mothers-support-for-their-victims-thread-3?page=1

Another one with a similar mother. She got worse after DC1 was born. Looking back I'm pretty sure she resented him being my priority and putting his needs first. She did an absolute number on me guilt tripping me about how I didn't care about her and I'm afraid there were times I did put her wants ahead of DS's needs. Luckily after a while I did start to see what was going on and stand up to her more and she did back off a bit.

About 3 weeks DC2 was born I had an almighty row with her as she bullshitting guilt tripping had escalated again and I saw red and I realised I didn't want anything to do with her, backed right away and then went no contact. Being able to get on and do what I needed to do for myself, and both DCs without her interfering and trying to turn everything on its head for me has been such a relief. My mum ticks a lot of the boxes of a covert narcissist, it might be worth having a read up on that.

Been no contact now for 8yrs. I saw her recently but didn't speak and I realised that now I no longer care - it wasn't that I didn't care to start off with but her behaviour made me not care if that makes sense?

What did you nan say? Does she think your mum has personality disorder and what did she advise contact wise?

You "dislike ill people?" WTH? I know ableism is rife but I can't believe there's people that think like this and openly admit it...Wow

@Yalta You don't sound like a very nice person

@allatseawiththis Just block her! Send a text explaining that you no longer wish to remain in contact with her and then block her. Also block your Dad and have your DH do the same. If they turn up, don't answer the door.

Job done

Look up daughters of narcissistic mothers... you'll have your eyes opened.

These are women who were used to being the matriarch and making decisions for the family. When you have moved away, she cannot let go of the power and thinks she knows best or it will fall apart for you if you do not consult her about everything.

Stay in touch, and be firm. Let her have her say but she gets to say it once, not insist - that is how I try to handle my mum ( who I am turning in to myself).