How do I get over my mum telling lies about me?

[allatseawiththis]

As the title says, my mum tells lies about me. This happens usually when I do something she doesn’t like, or when I have a big life event which she’s not in control over.

The latest example is that she told my sibling that DH and I hadn’t told her when our next scan is (I’m currently expecting DC1). The thing is, I was sitting opposite my mum and next to DH when he looked in his phone calendar for the scan date and told her. My dad was there too, but apparently ‘really doesn’t remember’.

Previously, when I moved to DH’s town when our relationship was getting more serious, she told my family that I’d moved without telling her where I’d gone. In fact, not only had I told her, I’d also written down the address for her on a piece of paper.

She also likes to rewrite the past - apparently I caused her ‘a lot more bother’ at school than my sibling, even though every one of my school reports without exception said that it’d be nice if I actually spoke in class or put my hand up occasionally.

I’m just sick and tired of her lying and getting away with it. I asked my dad why he let her lie about the scan and he said he genuinely can’t remember being told when it was - we were all sitting there together!

If I lower contact, I get bombarded with calls and messages about how I don’t love her. In the past, she sent me an email saying that if she walked in front of a lorry tomorrow, then I’d regret not seeing her more.

How do I get over this?

@Aquamarine1029 I agree that she’s disturbed and needs help.
She sounds mentally ill.

@Aquamarine1029 and @BruFord I think I agree with you. She’s never been diagnosed with a MH condition (that I know of), but there’s definitely something serious going on. I wish somebody had got help for her years ago (my dad, her parents?). It seems so entrenched now.

Ah I'm sorry OP. My mum likes to rewrite history too, not in quite the same way, but it's horribly annoying. She has trouble coping with reality. It's very sad but there's not much to be done about it.

I like the idea of laughing or shrugging it off and not giving her an emotionally charged response.

My mum is the same. She not like Walter Mitty, claiming she's a fighter pilot or anything, but she always has a version of reality which is more tolerable to her than the objective truth would be. Example, the school I sent my daughter to was a good school but very mixed socially. It had been a convent and it became a girls secondary school . My mum refused to update her perception of the school. She so badly wanted it to be a respectable convent that she simply viewed it that way, regardless of the reality, disregarding new FACTS

You will never win against an idiot. They have a head start.

Go NC and enjoy your life, don't let her ruin it.

Let her fail in her life by herself.

OP, that is just o shocking to read.
The violation of your privacy in the bath is 100% horrific abuse.
So shocking....even for MN.
I wouldn't want her within a 100 metres of my child.
She is dangerous. Her lies are dangerous.
Those early months with your baby are so precious.
Step away NOW. Don't wait. You need the LC/NC to start now.
Her lies could bring grief to your door when you have a baby. Don't risk it.
Don't tell them you are in labour.
Warn those who love you to keep quiet about your business.
Protect yourself and your baby from her lies and drama no matter what it takes.

Parts of your story remind me of "I'm glad my mom died" you may find it an interesting read!! The title is tough, but some of the stuff around puberty is the same and it makes me wonder if there's a specific personality disorder that causes that. I'm sorry for your struggle, I hope you can break free.

Have you directly told her that you think she lies about you and how that makes you feel and want to reduce contact as a result? If not then start there, also tell your dad- maybe he can make her see sense

OP my mother shares a lot of unfortunate traits with your mother and I wished I'd had that advice when I needed it.

Sounds a very familiar story, @allatseawiththis. I swear exhaustion is an actual emotion not just a state of being and my mum can trigger it just by calling me. My DH is my touchpoint - the one who keeps me sane by validating my memory when she does a rewrite. Having to sleep and shit with the door open until I moved out was, likewise, bloody weird.

You won’t win, you’ll never win. Your dad’s just enabling her and will never protect you or your child. This is your time now, though! You’re building a family and, by god, you’ve got the manual on how not to do it! Low contact, practically ignore them and focus on your DH and soon to be DC! Congrats - you’re going to be amazing 😊

There is a saying I've heard somewhere & it rings true. "If someone can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you". This was my mother to a tea! When she could no longer control me, she started telling lies about me... doesn't she seemed stressed? Don't you think she's depressed? She's unhinged. She's unstable..

You name it. She tried to paint me in whatever way served her narrative when I no longer played her game

Yup!

I have a "relative" like this; they do it for the drama and excitement it brings them.

Drop the rope OP.

As an adult, I no longer rise to it, and have mastered poker face or answering "that's nice" anytime relative says anything outlandish or pretends not to know what they actually have actually been told. It works a treat.

Also, tell the relative's flying monkeys that you don't want to know. Perhaps if they stopped this behaviour you'd increase contact, but until then, LC it is (they're lucky you're not NC).

I'd go very LC or NC... if LC.. just send information in texts/letters/cards... no in person, no phone chats.

My mum was like this and I really wish I'd just gone NC when I realised what a lying and manipulative cow she was... in the end I stuck it until she died (of alcohol related seizure... but of course she was teetotal you know, fell over a cat (it wasn't the first time and she'd been told another would kill her!)...).

The relief I felt when she was gone, no longer re-writing history, changing goalposts, playing the fucking martyr, toying with me like a cat tortures a mouse... wow!

Your Dad is every bit as bad, he's plumped for 'live the easy-life and fuck anyone else' there. I bet he NEVER remembers or notices or backs you up. There will always be some sort of reason why he can't do so, or why you should let it go, ignore it, etc etc.

The greatest gift you can give your child now... is not to have contact with people like this.

She's personally disordered OP. My mother is the same. Go LC/NC.

I agree with others that your mother has some kind of personality disorder which your father is choosing to ignore & has done for many years. It’s a tactic he may have developed for self preservation reasons but hardly fair to his children.

Have you talked to your sibling about this? It may help your mental health to openly discuss it with them and hopefully get them to acknowledge the truth of it too.

Time to go low contact. And correct every untruth she makes but in a way that is as emotionless as possible. She probably thrives off drama which is sad for her but you don’t have to engage with it.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I’m so so grateful for them (and for all the support I’ve had posting about mum’s behaviour over the years).

Although it doesn’t excuse it, thinking of this as a personality disorder helps in a way. I’ve known for a long time that she has narcissistic traits, which have been very difficult to deal with.

My dad has said most recently that he knows she’s ‘not easy to get on with’. His go-to phrase when we were growing up was that she ‘doesn’t do emotions’, even those of her tiny children. My sister learnt not to cry in front of her from the age of 5-6, because it would really incur mum’s wrath/rage.

But he also said to me this week that I should try to ‘rebuild a relationship’ with her and ‘leave the past in the past’. So unfortunately, he’s never going to stand up for me.

My sister gets it, although she also wants to keep the peace, which again involves me being in more contact and placating our mum.

thank you all again x

Your sister isn’t quite on the same page as you yet but at least she gets it & you too were trying to follow the path of keeping the peace until recently. It’s the easiest path to follow in the short term but you have realised it’s not good for your mental health longer term.

Your sister may reach agreement with you eventually but she’s not there yet. Try not to judge her having a different approach and maintain a good relationship with her. But be honest that you personally can no longer accept being lied about by your mum just to keep the peace.

Thank you 🙏🏼 all of these posts are so so wise, thank you so much

Sometimes it's not a lie - they remember things differently. My mum has always believed that one of my brothers is much more intelligent than me and my other sibling. She often mentions that he's some sort of genius and that me and my other sibling are of average intelligence. It's so weird as I think we're all equally clever!
But there's no reasoning with her. No matter what I say, she believes what she believes.
Let it wash over you. She night remember a couple of things from your time at school that you don't remember and be fixated on them.

Jesus Christ. Do NOT let this woman anywhere near your kids.

Honestly, I can’t tell you enough how validating and eye-opening it is to see people’s reactions to her behaviour. There was so much else as well, but even sharing this much and seeing so many of you go ‘actually, that’s not normal or OK’ is such a relief, to be honest.

I’ve known for several years now that it’s not really OK, on some level, but it takes a while to really see the wood for the trees. We’ve all spent so long toeing the line and walking on eggshells (sorry for the cliches, but it’s the best way I can think to describe it).

I grew up scared of her and of her reactions. She’d shout and rage or give us days of the silent treatment, and then as I got older, she’d appear in my room when she got home from work and demand to know why I didn’t want to spend time with her, or fly into a rage (like a real shouting, tantrum rage, not just a bit miffed) when I was 18-19 and would rather spend a bank holiday day with my then boyfriend than with her.

I had a MMC before Christmas so although I’m over the moon to be pregnant again, I don’t feel comfortable buying anything yet (and buying stuff is not the be-all-and-end-all to me that it is to her). But she sees this as a personal slight against her, rather than thinking that maybe I’m finding things difficult after the MMC. She’s never had any empathy whatsoever.

Agree with this.
You are an adult about to become a mother.
Your sister will carve her own path.
You cannot allow her to dictate what yours is. You can tell her you love her but your new family is coming first.
Disordered women like your mother will undoubtedly want/demand her right to be in the middle of your life so she can be "granny". She will lie about you, how you are coping, all to suit her narrative.
You and how her drama sours your life, will mean nothing to her.
You and your mental health could be fragile after the baby, stress is a huge contributor to PND. You 100% need to mind and protect yourself after the baby is born.
Best way to do that is pull away now and enforce huge boundaries.
Forget about your father, just another enabler who put the easy life ahead of his children.
You don't have to get on with her, or forget anything she has done. Once more he wants an easy life.

This could be my mother, except mine has been dead a while.

I was scared of her and the unpredictable tantrums.

I just stopped telling her anything. She made things up so I left it to her.

I had the one about not telling her when I moved house, even though my dad and her helped me move.

These people don't have an emotional or empathetic bone in their body @allatseawiththis.

When I was splitting with EXDP, found I was pregnant with my (much wanted) third DC and then had a miscarriage, my relative actually said "Good job that baby didn't make it, probably for the best given your relationship has failed."

And then wondered why I went even lower contact than I already was!