How do I get over my mum telling lies about me?

[allatseawiththis]

As the title says, my mum tells lies about me. This happens usually when I do something she doesn’t like, or when I have a big life event which she’s not in control over.

The latest example is that she told my sibling that DH and I hadn’t told her when our next scan is (I’m currently expecting DC1). The thing is, I was sitting opposite my mum and next to DH when he looked in his phone calendar for the scan date and told her. My dad was there too, but apparently ‘really doesn’t remember’.

Previously, when I moved to DH’s town when our relationship was getting more serious, she told my family that I’d moved without telling her where I’d gone. In fact, not only had I told her, I’d also written down the address for her on a piece of paper.

She also likes to rewrite the past - apparently I caused her ‘a lot more bother’ at school than my sibling, even though every one of my school reports without exception said that it’d be nice if I actually spoke in class or put my hand up occasionally.

I’m just sick and tired of her lying and getting away with it. I asked my dad why he let her lie about the scan and he said he genuinely can’t remember being told when it was - we were all sitting there together!

If I lower contact, I get bombarded with calls and messages about how I don’t love her. In the past, she sent me an email saying that if she walked in front of a lorry tomorrow, then I’d regret not seeing her more.

How do I get over this?

Thank you all for your replies. I’ve sent a message this morning to ask for advice and also to share my account of the abusive behaviour with someone. Thanks again x

I received a reply almost straightaway suggesting I report a current or previous safeguarding concern. I’m planning to go and have a chat with someone at a local station about it at the end of the week - I wrote out an account of everything I can remember going back to our earliest years and it’s about 5 pages long, so far too long to fit in the online form. I’ll print it and take it with me in the hope someone at the station might read it.

My mum is also a chair of governors at a primary school. The term ‘safeguarding’ in the police reply has made me think about this more this morning. This has made me feel very uncomfortable for a long time, that she’s got a DBS check (because nothing has ever been reported or raised with authorities before) and is in this very important community role. It’s not that I think she’d harm them, as I think that’s specifically reserved for her own children (particularly me), but it’s more the hypocrisy that she’s outwardly a pillar of the community and in private is a deeply disturbed and harmful individual.

I reread the thread to refresh my memory and I really think its time to go no contact.

Your mother can not self regulate . She can not take in any information that affects her enormous, wounded, ego. So absolutely no limit setting will work with her. She is an emotional rogue elephant and all of societies guardrails or your guard rails are just toothpicks to her.

Tell your father that for the safety of yourself and your children you are ending the relationship with her and he is not to bring her around, or call or negotiate on her behalf. You will not accept visits, calls, letters, criticism, or praise. Its done. Over.

Don't bother trying to have the conversation with her. She is not only borderline she has narcissistic personality disorder. She can not accept information contrary to her own viewpoint. She will crumble, explode, lash out, destroy and self destruct when confronted with failure or shame.

Your father is her enabler, tool, servant, courier. He has chosen subservience all these years. So let him do his job. He can handle her. You don’t have to.

This is blunt but your life is important! Your lovely marriage and DH’s normal family are important. Your children are/will be important and precious. You can not expose them to this cruel horror of a mother.

Thank you @pikkumyy77. I agree with you. It’s such a horrible situation - I think she’s really unwell, but that isn’t and never was our fault.

My document of her behaviour over the years has hit 7 pages and seeing it all like this (I’ve made it into bullet points and grouped into ‘ages’ to try to make it easier to read), it’s pretty unpleasant and damning to read. I hope it’s useful context when I take it to the station. Emotional abuse is so hard to prove, isn’t it, because it’s just my word/memories with no physical evidence, but the effects are so so damaging.

It’s actually hideous to read through everything and then think about how I’m ‘too sensitive’ according to my dad, and how ‘she’s so looking forward to being a granny’. It’s sickening and they’ve really done a number on us.

At the same time, it’s really cathartic to get everything out into one document. I don’t have to hold it all in my head, and I can actually share it and continue to be frank and open about my mum’s behaviour with other people. People who behave like this thrive on our silence, don’t they?

Well done.
You are breaking the possibility of intergenerational abuse by going no contact with your parents.
This is the act of a very loving brave woman and mother.
Keep a copy of that document it may be useful.

Yes! They thrive on our silence and they play up the ambiguity or assert “recollections may vary.” But it is really important for your mental health and for your children’s safety that you know the truth and you stand up for your child self, even if only retrospectively or even if only in a text you never share with the police.

You have to do what you have to do to avoid having this woman in your life but given the history you have shared she is not a teal danger to you and your baby in the sense that she would have the nerve to kidnap the baby. A person like your mum is easily controlled by their desire to avoid public shame and humiliation.

Don’t let her near you during this vulnerable time (your pregnancy, labour, and the first year). If they threaten to come just day “I will not let you in and if you make a fuss I will tell everyone how awful you have been.” She and your father have more than enough guilty conscience to fill in the blanks. You don’t have to be specific.

OP, I wish you luck. I found becoming a Mum gave me power. I loved my children so very much; I just couldn't understand how she could treat me the way she did. You may find that people fob you off with 'oh but she's your Mum.....' Remember, the reason they do this is because usually Mums do care for their children and these people find it difficult to comprehend what it's like to have a Mum who isn't.....a Mum.

I see my Mum once a year and have no other contact. I don't miss her because she was never the person who cared for me anyway.