How do I get over my mum telling lies about me?

[allatseawiththis]

As the title says, my mum tells lies about me. This happens usually when I do something she doesn’t like, or when I have a big life event which she’s not in control over.

The latest example is that she told my sibling that DH and I hadn’t told her when our next scan is (I’m currently expecting DC1). The thing is, I was sitting opposite my mum and next to DH when he looked in his phone calendar for the scan date and told her. My dad was there too, but apparently ‘really doesn’t remember’.

Previously, when I moved to DH’s town when our relationship was getting more serious, she told my family that I’d moved without telling her where I’d gone. In fact, not only had I told her, I’d also written down the address for her on a piece of paper.

She also likes to rewrite the past - apparently I caused her ‘a lot more bother’ at school than my sibling, even though every one of my school reports without exception said that it’d be nice if I actually spoke in class or put my hand up occasionally.

I’m just sick and tired of her lying and getting away with it. I asked my dad why he let her lie about the scan and he said he genuinely can’t remember being told when it was - we were all sitting there together!

If I lower contact, I get bombarded with calls and messages about how I don’t love her. In the past, she sent me an email saying that if she walked in front of a lorry tomorrow, then I’d regret not seeing her more.

How do I get over this?

Has similar problem. Until one day I decided no more. Walked away. Cut contact. Couple of months later I get a phone call asking to meet for a coffee. Hubby told me to not go as she would probably manipulate me again. But I went. It started with her asking why I had not called her!! So deep breath and I told her. Everything that was wrong. Always putting me down. Making out that She was hard done by etc etc. Plus her trying sometimes succeeding in putting me up against my DS and DB. She was agaust said no I was wrong. But I did not back down. Told her happy to see her but not prepared to be treated this way. Respect goes both ways. Stick up for yourself.

Your mum is displaying a typical narcissistic behaviour. Denying what is happening and trying to create doubt in your head. There are two choices for you. Either cut contact completely or sit down and put boundaries. Sorry that you are going through this

I ended up cutting contact with my mum last year. Honestly, I know she is my mum but she has never been my mum. I looked after her, I looked after my siblings for a while, then when I left to live with my dad, I got the guilt trips about how I left her. Then at 37 after coming out an abusive relationship, I was done with her then trying to control me, so that was a cut. She made a comment about my son, then went round telling everyone I was using the kids as a weapon after she tried to get to see the kids behind my back. People like that won't change. So it's up to you if you can put up with it. She will probably try and make the birth of your baby about her too.

Narcissistic behaviour stay away if you can

Uau! I think that is the best answer! Ask her why she is getting things confused. Tell her to see her GP. Tell people how you are concerned about her mental health. Because clearly she has an issue there.

I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, this is not okay. You have done nothing wrong and both your parents are in the wrong.
I can’t imagine how this must make you feel and how hard it will be to ‘cut ties’ or step back. You’ve tried to maintain a relationship as it’s your parents, but really, no parent should treat their child this way.

She is probably telling her friends you behave this way, so you may as well do it. Don’t talk to her, don’t tell her anything, totally step back. Is moving an option? Can you go so she doesn’t know where you are so you have control back? I know that sounds drastic, but I’d be tempted! She doesn’t deserve you. You need to cut ties now before you become a parent, you don’t need to be carrying this with you when you have enough to worry about on that new journey.

Good luck, but absolutely know you’ve not ever done anything wrong x

Sounds like she has something amiss about her. Are you sure she doesn’t do this to your siblings. Just be matter of fact. Eg smile and say of course I told you.

I’m really sorry you’ve had a similar experience @ironflan (and to everyone else here who’s shared theirs too 💐)

Yes, she’ll make it all about her and about how she isn’t involved enough, and about how ‘normal daughters would…’

The thing is, I’m now finding the strength to say ‘well, d’you know what, normal mothers wouldn’t behave like this.’

She’s different towards my sister but has been equally damaging, particularly where body image is concerned. Things like saying ‘let’s just ruffle this up over your tummy’ and rearranging her top to make her look ‘slimmer’, or saying to my sister after she’d been quite ill for a week or so that she looked great and really skinny. Both of these as a child, btw, 12-13 at the oldest.

But my sister goes and stays with my parents for the weekend every few weeks, so she sees more of mum ‘behind the scenes’ than I do and she seems to feel more desire to keep the peace (which usually means me forgoing the boundaries I’ve put in place and all the bloody time-consuming and expensive but worthwhile work I’ve done in counselling over the years).

I’m fed up of having to placate our mum, who never gives two hoots about how anyone else feels. Even after I had my miscarriage in December, mum wanted to know if I’d had a scan before they’d done the operation, at which point she goes ‘so it had died then’. She’s just not right and I’m not putting up with it any more.

Weirdly, on the first day of my PGCE when mum was really kicking off, my dad drove up to see me and was crying in his car about it all, and he said he was worried that, because of how mum was behaving, I wouldn’t let him and mum see my children.

I was early twenties at the time and hadn’t been with DH very long, certainly not long enough to be thinking about children, so it seemed a weird thing to say at the time as they weren’t even on the radar. But actually, it does mean that he knew it wasn’t right, doesn’t it? And he predicted how I might feel 7-8 years later 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel for you OP. My mother is like this, albeit also with a host of serious (and diagnosed) mental illnesses which make her very difficult to deal with.

My strategy is: low contact, but always polite and loving when in contact. Agree with everything she says (unless it's born of her mental illness in which case I use specific techniques her health workers have told me, which aren't relevant here). Don't disagree with or counter any fake or faulty memories. If she makes accusations, just move the subject on as quickly as possible.

I've learned the hard way after decades that this is the only way to protect my peace of mind and it works for me.

Thank you @CantDealwithChristmas, so sorry you have and have had similar difficulties.

I think it would help so much if the rest of my family would see her behaviour for what it is, and see that she’s not telling the truth about me. The fact my dad was right here when DH told them the date but claims he ‘genuinely can’t remember’ is so typical of him placating mum and throwing me under the bus. But there’s nothing I can do to change them or how they think/behave.

I do wish that something had been done to help mum or to investigate whether she needed a diagnosis/treatment for something, but all anyone cared about was tiptoeing around her and trying to placate her (my sister and I learned that behaviour from dad). And then the bulk of it was hidden from the wider family because we had an image to uphold. An adult in our lives should have done something a long long time ago, but nobody did and now I have to do what is right for me and my own little family in the current situation.

Yes I understand you want validation but you have to accept that you won't get it form your family. You could waste hours, days, months worth of frustration and heartache seeking family validation and the only person you'll have hurt is you.

I went to a therapist who validated a lot of my mum's treatment of me, including pointing out where her actions and violence consisted of illegal child abuse. This helped me a lot. Maybe you should consider seekign third party recognition and validation in this way?

Sounds like narcissistic tendencies to be honest.

The only real way to deal with it is minimal or no contact - sounds harsh but nothing else works - she thinks everything she's done/said is 100% true.

Easiest way if you want to stay in contact is not engaging with it - just agree 'yes mum you're right, I didn't do
....' knowing you know the truth.

As for calls and texts - again only respond if YOU want to - put your phone on silent - delete texts without reading etc.

Good luck - I'm no contact with my entire family after 40 years (it's been 5 years now) - best thing I did.

Yeah be careful about how she is with your child. She is a complete flaming narcissist so set strong boundaries and if it leads to seriously negative behaviours which it most likely will, walk away. She will want to be controlling over your baby too, and there will be times she won't want the attention taken off her by a little one, so might become even more attention seeking.

Can your DH have a chat with your dad ahead of the baby coming? To say there will need to be boundaries respected as a newborn stage is very, very intense on you, and it can't be all about what gran wants, she will have to respect some boundaries, and that if she doesn't, you're happy to see your dad only.

Please don't tell her when you go into labour! She will be a nightmare. Be careful how you handle telling her you've had your baby. Get your dh on board. Stop any talk of moving in 'to help you.' Practise scenarios with your DH so he knows how to deal with her. If she sees you moving away from her control more and more, she may try to do the same with your child. Don't be afraid of getting up and leaving if she starts her nonsense or telling your parents to go, if she behaves badly at your house. Keep your door locked so she can't just walk in. She sounds like a nightmare!

Thank you, no, I definitely won’t be telling her and dad about going into labour. I’m already envisaging a strop because somebody will have to look after our dog and my ILs normally look after her, so that’ll be wrong and bad, but hey 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve discussed childhood trauma and my relationship with my mum with my midwife already and will do so again in the lead up to birth, and be really clear that I do not want her anywhere near me in labour.

She does not react well to big events like this.

My granny (mum’s MIL) died in hospital a couple of years ago and we were all with her when the time came, it was calm and peaceful and we were saying our goodbyes, her brother was reading a prayer. And suddenly mum completely freaks out and runs off to get the nurses.

I still don’t understand why, because we knew granny was dying, that was why we were there. My dad called after her not to, but she ignored him, and when the nurses came in, it changed the atmosphere entirely and the nurses were in between us and granny when she died. It wasn’t what anyone wanted, but my mum just seemed to lose it.

She’s deeply emotionally immature and like a child in many ways. She was also furious when afterwards I wanted to go home to DH, I got the full glare (which is meant to scare us into submission) in the middle of the hospital lobby for that. My granny was a hugely important person in my childhood (she looked after us a lot of the time like a mother should have), and apparently I was wrong for wanting my DH at that moment after we lost her. It all baffles me.

Your grandmother's death was too calm and drama free. She needed her fix of attention and upset, so she created it unnecessarily.
She couldn't even allow the woman die peacefully.
Your poor grandmother probably thought she was consistent right to the end.

One other thought OP, how do feel about your baby's pictures being posted on SM?
Give it some thought.
Your mother is the type to do this despite whatever you decide.
Classic attention seeking behaviour of putting up pictures irrespective of the parents wishes, doing the adoring GM act, putting herself at the centre of things.

Oh god, that really hadn’t occurred to me 😣😔 I felt (and feel) so awful for granny’s brother, he had so wanted to say a prayer and had written it out and brought it with him, and my mum ruined his last moment with his sister.

No, I don’t want pictures on social media. Mine and DH’s are locked right down to friends only. Mum doesn’t tend to post any so I’m hoping that doesn’t change, but it’s another bridge to cross if we come to it.

Clearly, she isn’t right. Maybe a personality disorder. Even so that’s not your problem you shouldn’t live your life like that.

Hi everyone,

sorry to bump this thread as it’s from ages ago, but it seemed to make more sense maybe than making a new one without all of the context of this one.

I’m 30-ish weeks pregnant and a few weeks ago, my mum made a comment that she ‘would have to come up and pinch’ or ‘hijack’ my baby from his nursery. I felt incredibly uncomfortable about this language. When I raised it with my dad, he said I was just like him and ‘too sensitive’, and that my mum was clearly only joking. However, in the context of 30 years of her atrocious behaviour and trampling of any boundaries I’ve put in, I don’t see the funny side at all.

I mentioned her comments to my midwife at my latest appointment, and she is extremely concerned, to the point where she suggested I raise this with the police and/or social services as a serious safeguarding threat. It’s such a relief to have a person in real life and in her position take this seriously, but at the same time, I’m scared. Is it really that bad? Has anyone else had to do this with a family member, i.e. preemptively alert authorities or at least get advice from them about poor or abusive behaviour?

On the one hand, I feel relief to have shared my concerns and to ‘blow open’ my mum’s behaviour, which we’ve been trained to keep secret for so long, and on the other, I’m terrified that I’m overreacting. But I know at my very core that I don’t want her behaviour around my baby and I will need to be resolute about my boundaries in the postpartum period (she told me ‘we will have to arrange for [her] to be up all the time’ when the baby is here. Absolutely not.)

Sorry for the ramble. Can anyone advise about the police/social services?

Hi Op. A health care professional has given you very clear advice. You would be remiss not to follow it.

Your family dynamic with your parents is very unhealthy, as you know. In your position I would seriously be going NC.

I know that this must be very hard for you, but you are your baby's advocate. They don't deserve to be born into this type of family dynamic.

You are not overreacting! Your father’s response shows that you have been trained to under-react. Please follow the guidance of your midwife, go to the police and your social worker, and protect yourself and your baby.

To be brutally honest with you - I'd go no contact with them.

You cannot live life being scared - not healthy for anyone.

I've been no contact with my entire family for 5 years now and honestly it's the best decision I made - it was like a weight lifted knowing I didn't have to deal with it anymore.

Agree with others.

Your mother, and your childhood environment are toxic.
You have clear and legitimate worries about your mothers stated intentions.
You have been advised to alert authorities.
This is going to be both a special but tiring time for you.
You really do not need to be navigating toxic people.
Report it as advised.
But also consider your future.
Do you really want your child and your family life tainted by your history?
You have a choice to drop the rope and stop engaging with this toxicity before your baby arrives.
You, your baby and your new family deserve the best start of peace and calm.

She will try to take over and make this time about her.
I wouldn't want her near my home or baby.
Please take the professional advice you asked for and were given by the midwife.