How do I get over my mum telling lies about me?

[allatseawiththis]

As the title says, my mum tells lies about me. This happens usually when I do something she doesn’t like, or when I have a big life event which she’s not in control over.

The latest example is that she told my sibling that DH and I hadn’t told her when our next scan is (I’m currently expecting DC1). The thing is, I was sitting opposite my mum and next to DH when he looked in his phone calendar for the scan date and told her. My dad was there too, but apparently ‘really doesn’t remember’.

Previously, when I moved to DH’s town when our relationship was getting more serious, she told my family that I’d moved without telling her where I’d gone. In fact, not only had I told her, I’d also written down the address for her on a piece of paper.

She also likes to rewrite the past - apparently I caused her ‘a lot more bother’ at school than my sibling, even though every one of my school reports without exception said that it’d be nice if I actually spoke in class or put my hand up occasionally.

I’m just sick and tired of her lying and getting away with it. I asked my dad why he let her lie about the scan and he said he genuinely can’t remember being told when it was - we were all sitting there together!

If I lower contact, I get bombarded with calls and messages about how I don’t love her. In the past, she sent me an email saying that if she walked in front of a lorry tomorrow, then I’d regret not seeing her more.

How do I get over this?

What are you going to done when she starts shouting 'sexy legs' at your child, OP? Get the boundaries in place as soon as possible.

Op honestly you feel rubbish now yeah? When you are listening to your dm spouting shit to your dc you really will wish to could teleport you away. Away from the scenarios you have allowed to happen. Dc do not need those sort of dgps. My dc have none. And are more than fine.

Your mum has a personality disorder & your dad is her flying monkey.

Look up the ‘grey rock’ method and absolutely stick to it.

You absolutely can not control / change how these people behave but you can control how you communicate/interact.

Good luck.

@FofB and @Beautifulbythebay you’re both absolutely right. Honestly, I don’t want her anywhere near my baby after all of this. She was never going to have unsupervised contact as it was, but now I think we’re going to have to go very very low contact and just weather the fall-out. It’s a horrible situation and i wish it was different and I didn’t have to deal with this, but I do have a duty to protect my DC.

She won’t like my boundaries but I’m going to have to grow a pair.

The relief once you assert yourself will be huge.
You will enter motherhood one strong cookie!!

This behaviour is atrocious. Look after yourself, your baby and your DP. Her behaviour will only escalate the closer you get to having the baby. Please protect yourself.

Thanks @NorthernSpirit. our dad never protected us and is still happy to stand by while she behaves like this towards me, even while I’m pregnant with his first grandchild.

A PP on the narcissistic mothers thread said the same, that we can’t control how they behave but we can control how we react. TY.

Thank you, @Zippydoop, I will. It’s weirdly a relief to read you say that her behaviour is atrocious - I think it helps to ‘blow open’ the truth about her behaviour and show other people, because growing up everything was so secretive and nobody had a clue what it was really like for us.

I think that’s why I posted here in AIBU, kind of for traffic, in the sense that more people will see it and tell me whether or not I’m overthinking it/actually I’m being a terrible daughter. And more people will read about her behaviour, because we’re supposed to keep it under wraps (although that’s unspoken). And I’m not doing that any more - telling my ILs and my friends has been very cathartic.

She might not be able to help herself. She might have MH condition that means that although she knows she has been told things, she can't retain the information, and is unable to admit to your siblings that she has forgotten something so important as your scan date, (or your new address!) so instead pretends that she was never told. Your DF enables her for a quiet life maybe?
Must be very frustrating for you though.

So sorry you're dealing with this. My Mum doesn't do things exactly the same way but is equally as toxic and hurtful.

As PP have said, she will never change. I think it's so hard to accept your parent isn't a good parent, but you don't owe her anything. My mum would always say 'I did everything for you' or 'I won't be around forever then you'll regret it'. Just basically emotional manipulative.

On here years ago someone told me to look up FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and it really helped.

I send photos of the kids and occasional updates but other than that I want nothing to do with her. My sibling doesn't even send updates on her kids and I totally understand that. Blood or not some people are not good for our mental health and it's not our fault they are the way they are.

Post scan dates, due dates, addresses, other factual stuff on a family group WhatsApp so it’s there in black and white and you can simply repost if they claim they are without information and say you’re reposting the information as it’s easy to forget all the dates.

I agree with @NorthernSpirit thsy it’s likely a personality disorder. I don’t know what my Dad’s diagnosis is as he’s never shared it with me, but I have my suspicions.

To reassure you, OP, it is possible to have a reasonable grandparent/grandchild relationship with limited contact. My day-to-day life is very separate from my Dad’s although we speak nearly every day now that he’s elderly and widowed.

I’ve explained to my children that Grandpa has always struggled with his MH and sometimes says strange or inappropriate things. They’re now 19 and nearly 16, and get on well with him, but they only see him in person every few months (I mainly visit him alone). They understand that he’s not a bad person and he’s mostly lovely towards them.

You and your husband need to put strategies in place to protect you in the days/hours before giving birth, ensuring she's as far from where you're giving birth and that your midwife knows you don't want her in the room - or anywhere near - whilst or or after giving birth. Consider giving her a day two or three days ahead of when you're actually due so she can't try to interfere or insert herself into such an important time for you.

Will your husband advocate for you and put you first and ensure she doesn't make the process more difficult for you? That includes giving her, and your enabling father, strong boundaries which he'll protect, if they try to turn up unannounced at your home and stay for hours whilst the two of you are coming to grips with your newborn, breastfeeding, healing, sleeping, etc. 🌹

If you are a podcast listener, get on Spotify and find insight, it will help you understand it more.

My mother had a certain view of me that was nothing at all like me.

Apparently I chain smoked because that was what everyone did and I needed to follow the crowd because I wanted people to like me. I was incredibly shy. I was also going to be a nurse because I liked to help people.

I have never smoked a day in my life. It doesn’t bother me if people like me or not
I don’t think I have ever followed the crowd unless it interested me. If it doesn’t suit me or I find it boring it wouldn’t matter how many people are doing something I won’t be there. Definitely not shy
I also dislike ill people and a nurse is precisely the opposite of what I would ever do as a career (told exh that I wouldn’t look after him in sickness or in health, before our marriage. Told him if he got ill he was on his own)

When people only heard her version of me, then they met me, I usually got the comment that I wasn’t anything like my mother had described me.

I think that this is a form of narcissism and control. It’s almost like if they repeat the lie over and over it will become true

Block her.

My mother was like this. I noticed from
a very early age how she would tell people ‘stories’ about me that were either grossly exaggerated or plain lies. She constantly needed to be a victim or validated, seen as some sort of hard done by heroine in a life full of drama. She was a true narcissist, and I appreciate that word is thrown out a lot these days. I wouldn’t have let her near my children but then life took that option away as she developed early onset dementia. I’m not suggesting this is the case, I know it’s a MN favourite diagnostic! I (without any medical evidence to back it up) believe her dementia developed from her genuine mental health issues mixed in with a couple of other physical conditions that have connections with dementia. A nasty fluke, otherwise I’d have gone NC by the time I had children.

This is the problem. My mum was like this. Told lies about me to dd and then as dd got older started telling lies about dd. Dd would say it wasn’t true and my mother would call her a psychopath and say she needed to be locked up. We went NC eventually

Oh, I'm a complete monster and always have been according to my mother.

Didn't realise quite how bad it was until in the lead up to a death, the favoured older son started making snarky comments in front of everybody about how I must need to go and find an off-licence somewhere since I'd been there for at least two hours.

I drink somewhere around 5 units a year.

I'm also supposed to have had tens of thousands of pounds out of her over the years. Not entirely sure when or how, but I'd love to know where it went, because it certainly didn't reach me (but she was doing about a grand a week with QVC, so that probably answers it).

I don't particularly care anymore. She can have her stories, they've always been a thing, especially with anything printed in the Daily Mirror, that will be guaranteed to have happened to her or somebody she knows' sister's husband's brother's son - including the giving someone a lift and then finding an axe in the glovebox.

But I'm not in contact with her anymore. Life's far more pleasant without her.

Not RTFT only your replies

I think you're right to go low contact/grey rock as she isn't going to change (and yes her behaviour is NOT normal and you should NOT ever accept that it is just in case you needed to hear it again)

I'm petty and I would be tempted during verbal conversations where "important" information is given to say 'oh hang on let me just grab my phone' open WhatsApp and send a voicenote along the lines of 'its date time and I've just told mother insert important fact here' then smile and say given you seem to be a bit forgetful now you've the recording to listen back to to remind you, anyone fancy a cuppa? And walk off and put the kettle on!!

In all seriousness though her behaviour IS going to escalate once you put your boundaries in place, this is going to be stressful during your pregnancy and during those first few exhausting (but fantastic) months with a new born. Don't keep quiet, tell anyone and everyone that's important to you so they are aware of your situation and that you'll need their support. Then please get that support in place NOW and make plans to help you get through this transition period until she realises you are not putting up with her shit anymore and she changes tactics. Once she changes tactics get your butt back here and the army of support in your phone will help you navigate it 😘

Enjoy your pregnancy, for me my 1st was a magical experience and I loved every minute of it (my 2nd I swear that boy made me sick from the day I conceived and has done his best to give me heart failure since the day he was born 🤦🏼‍♀️ but I love him and wouldn't change him lol) you can do this my lovely, you're a mum now and we are the strongest humans on the planet! Good luck x

My mother was like this, rewrote history to make her look better, and like a permanent martyr, when in fact she was incredibly selfish. My 3 older siblings have repeated her behaviours, and are the most selfish, exploitative people you could meet - to the point of criminality with 2 of them. I tried really hard with my oldest sister since mum died, but this past weekend I reached my limit after another really hateful and venomous attack over something so trivial it is almost laughable (after I took her out for a 3 course lunch). People who rewrite history like this, and who will then try to emotionally blackmail you will never be reasonable - for your own sake, very very low contact is the way to go, and comment on what she is doing - 'there you go again mum, saying I did not tell you something' or 'it would be very sad of you walk in front of a lorry but that would be your choice'.

absolutely do not tell her your due date.

If you already have, tell her your midwife has put the date forward by 3 weeks.

Strangely, recognizing that your parent is quite possibly mentally ill can be freeing, as it helps you not to take their behavior as personally.

That’s how I feel about my Dad anyway. His behavior is part of his illness, it’s nothing to do with me, iyswim. Has your Mum ever received help with her MH? I’d quietly ask your Dad about it, tbh.

After reading your absolutely shocking updates about your mother's behaviour while you were growing up, it would be negligent of you to have her around your child. She is deeply disturbed and cannot be trusted. She will add nothing of value to your child's life.