To not understand why parents are so unwilling to take my advice (tutor)?

[rosesinmygarden]

I'm a very experienced tutor and teacher. I tutor students for high stakes exams and have had excellent results and many happy customers for about 15 years.

I offer a lot for my price. Homework, lesson reports, parents' consults, extra resources and advice between sessions as well as years of experience tutoring students in the area. I do all this happily as I want my students to succeed.

Over the past couple of years I've noticed parents are becoming really unwilling to take on my advice. I'm constantly finding that they argue back and become very angry and accusative if I give constructive criticism/advice. They seem less and less willing to support their child or put any effort in, yet want stellar results. This exam requires a team effort for success. An hour a week with a tutor will not guarantee fabulous success for most. And why hire a tutor with my experience, then choose to ignore their advice or even accuse them of having an ulterior motive when they attempt to tell you something you don't want to hear?

I've been accused of all kinds lately and am finding that my results are slipping as a result of this change in attitude. It's really affecting my motivation. I've always loved my job but am finding it quite soul destroying at times lately.

My boy is currently tutoring for his 11+. He does 1hr a week with a company plus the homework that is given out from that. He also requires a little help with comprehension because he can’t be arsed.

my theory is he needs to get these concepts really quite quickly and work at pace as that’s what he’d be doing at school. If he can’t pick them up quickly then Grammar school is not for him.

I’m in Kent and there are plenty of children tutored and pushed to pass their 11+ who then go on to have an utterly miserable time at say Judd or Tonbridge Girls Grammar as they struggle.

it’s a fine line to tread.

Speaking as a parent of a child in Year 4 considering the 11+ and fully aware she won't get there without additional support....

I can tell you that the problem for me is that I simply don't have the skills and the language to support her properly. We have hired a tutor on a fairly casual basis for now as a sort of informal assessment process because frankly DD's primary school is well known for being very weak academically so we simply have no idea if she's even got the right sort of ability to consider 11+ (it's very competitive around here). If we then decide to put some effort into going for the 11+, we are fully aware that we will have to do more, but while I can and will, if necessary, facilitate additional resources, encourage DD to spend the time doing any additional homework or learning that is set etc, I simply will not be able to support her with actual learning.

I'm also very hesitant to encourage her to do the 11+ if getting into grammar school would require masses of additional parental input as I worry she wouldn't then cope once she's in - as again, neither DH or I have the skills or resources to help her longer term.

So if you mean "home study" as in insisting that DD do the homework and spend the time, I 100% agree with you - I'll be insisting she does that if we go that route. But if you mean me sitting with her, it's not going to happen.

my theory is he needs to get these concepts really quite quickly and work at pace as that’s what he’d be doing at school. If he can’t pick them up quickly then Grammar school is not for him.

This is the exact conversation I had with DD's tutor last week. So she is going to try introducing some new concepts over the next few weeks with the specific goal of assessing how easily and quickly DD absorbs and applies them. And we're going to use that as a base to decide whether or not she should even go for the 11+ becuase she's quite far behind currently in terms of material she hasn't covered or needs to cover. Happy to encourage her to spend the time doing the homework etc, but I need to be confident she has the base ability first.

Op - over the 15 years you've been tutoring more and more parents (mothers especially) are working full time, from a younger and younger age.

If you only pick the DC up from ASC at 5.30pm and have to give them tea, then they have swimming, homework they already have from school, when do think there's time for the volume of extra work?

I do get frustrated as a working parent when (for example) school refuse to acknowledge that times have changed and we are not free to volunteer to go on school trip on tuesday.morning, or go and help with school swimming, or attend school meetings at 4pm, because we are at work. Your parents may feel the same, plus its against a back drop of an increasingly high bar for 11+ prep. People didn't even used to get tutoring for it 30 years ago! Now they need tutoring because school simply don't prepare for the 11+ format but the cult of tutoring has taken off and people are starting earlier and earlier and the desperately competitive types are dragging the pass rate requirement higher and higher every year.

The parents sound deluded and unfortunately it will be the child who ends up feeling like shit when they fail the exam.

We went with a reputable local tutor and I hung off her every word - it seems crazy to seek out advise then completely ignore it.

It's honestly ridiculous to assume that an hour a week is going to cover what's needed for that test.

If I were you I'd either terminate their contract or only provide written feedback with evidence - eg suggested weak areas with recent results in that area.

Do you have kids sit a test before taking them on?

Re this, teaching and life in general - people have become so very entitled in recent years.

Im not exactly sure the reasons for this but I suspect a lot of them will be getting a nasty shock in years to come when their entitled behaviour doesn’t wash for the first time - be that in the workplace or elsewhere.

Your problem, OP, is that no parent will ever accept criticism of their child - a recent thread on teachers leaving education was a clear example of that.

And they are even less willing to accept it if they are paying for the privilege!!! Nothing you can do tbh.

Sounds exactly the same as what I went through when I was a secondary school teacher. So many parents think that they know better than the teacher!

On why it's becoming more prevalent, I think it's a few things.

1. People are so used to "buying the thing will solve your problem". I do think this increased during Covid when people were stuck at home with their bank cards. Not that there's any shame in a lot of it, but it's resulted in a "I bought it therefore I deserve the outcome I expected" kind of attitude.
2. We have become an increasingly individualistic society - little Timmy is very precious, special and unique. People are so focused on themselves and their tiny bubble that they aren't really looking at the wider picture.
3. We have become an increasingly fragile society - any suggestion that little Timmy is not quite as precious, special and unique as the parents think, and the person who said it is the "bad guy".
4. Parents are misinterpreting what gentle parenting is (so try not to say no or hold boundaries) and along with actively avoiding uncomfortable situations for their child, this feeds into number 3.

This is so true, there is the expectation that because they pay for a tutor then their child will suddenly be joining MENSA. When parents asked me if I thought a tutor would help their child I would sometimes have to say that they were paying for their child not to pay attention in class!

No! :)

I think it's partly lockdown and a breed of some new entitled parent/child (SOME - don't shoot me down!) after a few months of being at home together and the entire COVID nightmare.
I do DofE (together with other things) with teenagers and have tremendous difficulties with some of them/their parents with deadlines/ the fact that it is THEIR award/ their job to do routes, etc etc. They just don't get it, and when I involve parents of the non-performers, I am not being fair on their perfect child (not every parent but a few). They put the whole group at risk but, it's not their fault.
I have just had one girl not do something, but she apparently didn't know she had to - it was clearly documented by me, her group and she had about 10 reminders.
Good luck. Mine is voluntary but I am not sure I want to carry on.

I was one of these bone idle kids. My parents trusted me to do homework/practice myself, and I mostly did a bad job at the last minute. I remember once my dad saying “you do do your homework, don’t you?” To which I replied yes, and that was the end of it. They got tutors for me for a couple of subjects and they must have been thinking along the lines of some of these comments!

I didn’t get organised until sixth form but I had to learn the hard way. With my own kids I will certainly be helping them learn to be organised and put the effort in at an early age. It isn’t robbing them of their childhood, it’s helping them live an easier life.

I think in the context of tutoring, I imagine there's also a sense of frustration. We live on the Surrey/London border so all the Sutton grammars. But these days, to get your child into one, is a HUGE effort. I have a friend who went to Nonsuch not that long ago and she's horrified but how hard it is to get in these days.

From my perspective, I see it as less of an issue as actually, the local state schools around here are also excellent which I'm not sure was necessarily the case when she was at school. But I can easily see how parents feel this intense pressure to get their kids into a grammar but that's accompanied by pressure because the expectations are just so high.

I saw a thread on here a while back by a woman who was asking what she should do to prepare her child for Tiffin.... the child was in reception! But Tiffin is one of the top schools in the country and the competition is fierce so....

Absolutely this! Reality TV and social media teaches kids (and their parents ) that "something for nothing" really is an option now. And anyone (including qualified professionals ) who say otherwise are just throwing shade your way.
This is also reinforced in numerous celebrity interviews/autobiographies which basically say "I knew I'd be successful one day, so I never let go of my dream and you musn't too!". Trouble is, they never publish the interviews with the millions people who were a bit shit at something, so gave it up as bad job.
"The" truth is now "my" truth and I'm identifying as a genius.

I'm looking for a tutor like you to help me and my son.

Where are you based?

I found this a very curious post. Maybe I am way out of touch with what the kids requirements are for 11+ these days, but you wrote a clear, comprehensible post with correct spelling and good grammar. You sound self reflective and can reason an argument. (which is so much more than many of the posts I see on here!). Why would you not have the skills or language to support a 10 year old child with their learning? What does she need, or what level is she supposed to achieve, that you would not be able to at least sit with her to help solidify concepts etc? I'm not trying to attack, just genuinely confused.

Yes, I'm well educated, work in a professional office-type role etc, so thank you for the nice things you said!

The problem is that I look at the work they do and what they're asked for and most of it is in formats I can't help with. Especially maths! I can get the answers to the questions they're asked, but it turns out the way I do it and the way they do it is completely different. This creates challenges when I try to help with maths homework.

English, obviously, is less of a problem.

Then there's the issue that I don't have the time. So, I can absolutely ask DD to do her homework/additional learning and as we go through the next year, I will be doing that. I can have her set up while I'm busy doing other things like cooking or whatever, but I don't have the time to sit with her and do this for hours a week on an active basis. Not if I also want to spend time with her doing other things that are a) fun or b) necessary. Also, I am a terrible teacher - I get frustrated if they don't get it quickly enough or if they don't understand what I say.

Admittedly, I may be projecting what's required for "parental support". Maybe it is as simple as being around as she asks questions or to help clarify things.

@HanaPales oh, and to add - yes, as I think I said in a subsequent post - I think the competition at 11+ level these days is seriously intense. Or at least it is around here. I know a child for example who is expected to get all 9s in her GCSEs this year. She didn't get into any of the local grammar schools at Year 7.

Gerbilsforever
I'm very much in your camp.

I'm degree educated, did well at maths and english at school. But they have changed a lot of the approach on maths teaching in primary and I'm really wary of confusing my children.

Then there's the time issue. I work outside the home so my children are in wraparound care and in the time i have with them I tend to prioritise the enriching activities that i hope will make my DC happy, healthy and well rounded - playimg, supporting them with their music & sport, over slogging away at extra homework. There just aren't enough hours in the day.

FFS. Mind your business.

I do also think that hours and both parents working makes a huge difference. If you both work, pick up kids at 5.30/6 - you basically have two hours before bed. In those two hours - kids have to eat, wash, play and do their study. Potentially also fit an extra curriculum activity. If you run a very tight ship then you can maybe find 30mins for study. And thats for one kid. Most people have two kids....

However, parents worry that if they don't get into grammars - their kids will end up effectively in secondary moderns with no teachers, poor discipline, low standards and achievements. Parents are aware of how bad state schools have become.

In addition, life has changed and hard work doesn't get you there anymore. Lots of magical thinking supports our current system, people make money on houses just through sheer luck, some jobs just pay outrageous sums while other peanuts through no relationship to skill or hardworking. The system is broken - tory Britain is a thing.

OP, your post reminded my of Paris Gellar's tutoring business. Maybe you could try a similar approach:

I understand your frustration completely, Op. Perhaps, for those subjects/students where the home study element is crucial, you could insist on evidence being shared with you beforehand. For example, parents must photograph and email you a page of their work a couple of days before the next session otherwise they forfeit the session (losing £x in line with your cancellation policy). Sell it on the basis that it gives you an idea of how they have got on with the homework task and can use the time together more efficiently. Not only will it make your expectation very clear, it will also naturally weed out those parents who aren’t - for whatever reason - willing/able to give it some time. A quick snap & email with a mobile is something all your parents should be able to do (MS Lens app is very useful here).

This is one of the reasons I retired.