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Original poster

To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

363 replies

Groveparkmama · 19/06/2024 09:46

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

OP posts:
Wills890 · 19/06/2024 16:16

Lola2024 · 19/06/2024 09:48

No no no!

Do not do it.

Do not buy the house.

Consider leaving your husband he sounds like a very unpleasant man.

Bit strong! 😂

DBD1975 · 19/06/2024 16:17

Very interesting post. Personally I couldn't live with my MIL even if we had an annexe to put her in. If you agree to this the situation it will not play out well. I think even if you are the Walton's the stress of 'live in' parents or in-laws must be intolerable.

When my Dad was being discharged from hospital bed-ridden, with full-time care needs and I asked who was going to look after him the hospital didn't have an answer. I work full -time and was trying to process the financial, physical and emotional effects of the situation. Basically I would have had to have given up work but is that what people do in the circumstances? My Dad refused to go into a nursing home. I just don't know how people cope.

OP eventually this is where you will be heading in terms of every increasing care needs for your MIL. Unless you are a total saint and prepared to sacrifice your own life for your MIL don't do it.

LavenderPup · 19/06/2024 16:18

Definite no from me. If it’s something neither of you actually want it will just cause marriage problems if she moved in.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 19/06/2024 16:18

No no no. You could have 20 yrs of this - with a man who isn’t kind to his own in laws? No!

CharlotteRumpling · 19/06/2024 16:18

I am moving my mum into my annexe in a couple of years. Wouldn't want my MIL to move in though.
Which I suppose is unfair on DH but he actually gets along better with my mum, who is easygoing.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 19/06/2024 16:19

Once she has moved in, you can't kick her out. What if she can't pay the rent? Will your DH evict his sick elderly mother? No

And that's exactly why moving her in "as a temporary measure" could be one hell of a risk

Only too easy, once settled, to refuse any further suggestions because "I'm not feeling up to it this week" - a week which becomes months and then years

When my Dad was being discharged from hospital bed-ridden, with full-time care needs and I asked who was going to look after him the hospital didn't have an answer

They never do, though in fairness that's not really their role but that of Social Services with whom they're supposed to liaise ... and Social Services will put anything on anyone just to get the boxes ticked

fizzybubblywater · 19/06/2024 16:20

Absolutely no way.

We all know the care will fall on you no matter what anyone in this thread says, it's always the woman who ends up doing it/being expected to do it. The fact he finds it hard to say no to her is more concerning.

Dont do it.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 19/06/2024 16:21

Do not do this Op...my other half has done it with his mum (i have my own house thankfully) and its now a disaster.

godmum56 · 19/06/2024 16:22

fantasycake · 19/06/2024 16:15

Partners are entitled not to like their in laws

OP already said she finds her MIL annoying- so thats valid too surely. Partners are also entitled not to have to live with their in laws either so either way, it shouldn't happen should it?

I am not saying it should happen, just that the discussion should not be based on tit for tat.

RedRobyn2021 · 19/06/2024 16:30

Sounds like you should say no

Your husband sounds like a bit of dick too tbh

Elizo · 19/06/2024 16:30

I would consider getting a house without the annex - problem solved

silverfullmoon · 19/06/2024 16:32

No. Your husband doesnt sound very pleasant either.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 19/06/2024 16:36

Neither of you like each other's parents so there's no reason for any of them to live with you/in the annexe. Your husband can tell your MIL a family member, on either side, living in the annexe is not an option and then he can start to help her look for alternative accommodation, arrange care etc. If you weren't buying a house with an annexe she'd have to sort something else anyway.

duchessofsilk · 19/06/2024 16:59

Given your update it sounds like the best thing here would be to simply say- no family is living in the annexe. Then it's fair to everyone and noone feels like they are being favoured or left out.

Most people dont have an annexe anyway so before you even put the offer in on this house your MIL must have been aware that her moving was on the cards at some point and as a PP said, if you didnt have an annexe she'd have had to sort something out herself.

She must have had at least some thoughts about where she could go and I would recommend if your DH wants to help her, then he can help her find a suitable place to live bearing her future care needs in mind- eg sheltered housing or warden assisted flat etc If you are both working full time a warden flat or supported living place would be far better suited to her anyway as there would actually be someone there during the day if she needed it.

Fathomless · 19/06/2024 17:01

duchessofsilk · 19/06/2024 16:59

Given your update it sounds like the best thing here would be to simply say- no family is living in the annexe. Then it's fair to everyone and noone feels like they are being favoured or left out.

Most people dont have an annexe anyway so before you even put the offer in on this house your MIL must have been aware that her moving was on the cards at some point and as a PP said, if you didnt have an annexe she'd have had to sort something out herself.

She must have had at least some thoughts about where she could go and I would recommend if your DH wants to help her, then he can help her find a suitable place to live bearing her future care needs in mind- eg sheltered housing or warden assisted flat etc If you are both working full time a warden flat or supported living place would be far better suited to her anyway as there would actually be someone there during the day if she needed it.

Agree. if there was no annexe she would have found somewhere else to rent

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/06/2024 17:09

@Groveparkmama no no no!!! do not ever allow this to happen!! your hubby cant stand your parents so I am quite sure he would never allow your mum or dad to move in so why should you allow his mum to move in?? frankly, I think your MIL had a cheek even asking if she could move in!! would he ever go in to help his mother wipe her backside if she was unable to do it?? change her pissy bed?? put her sodden bedding in the washer?? No, I dont think so!

MzHz · 19/06/2024 17:19

@Groveparkmama "To be honest, I don't think it is something he particularly wants, but it is probably harder for him to say no to his own mum. He has two siblings, but he definitely does more to help his mum than the others do."

Just be honest that you and H have had an agreement not to have ANY family living with you on either side, so the most you can do is help her on moving day, but the annex is off limits to everyone. Tell H to present it as a joint decision if that helps, but its a no to either side of the family - lie if you have to, say that friends of yours did it and it wrecked the family

cheezncrackers · 19/06/2024 17:33

To be honest, I don't think it is something he particularly wants, but it is probably harder for him to say no to his own mum. He has two siblings, but he definitely does more to help his mum than the others do.

So just say no! You don't want it and you don't think your DH does either. He has bought some time by saying that you need to discuss it, you've discussed it and the answer is no.

How do you frame it to her? Simple. Just tell her the truth - that you plan to incorporate the annexe into the main house and you won't be able to do that if she's living there. And if she begs and says it's only for a short while - don't believe her. Once she's in there and has the security of living next door to her DS she will never fucking leave. And what will be the result of that? Massive resentment on your part, probably massive regret on your DH's part for ever saying yes, and possibly the end of your marriage. Whatever you have to do to prevent her moving in, do it, up to and including pulling out of this purchase, if you have to. But I'd try to say 'No' first, if you really want this house and have been looking for a year and this is all you've found.

TinySmol · 19/06/2024 17:39

Care of the elderly is a feminist issue.
It always falls to the woman.
Always.

She will probably live longer than you anticipate and every resource you have will be geared towards looking after her.
Say goodbye to all your independence. And your time and money.
She's clearly on a downward trajectory as it is. She could be ill and then very ill for a very long time.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/06/2024 17:46

Echoing the other posters - no, it isn't a good idea for her to move in. It's also a difficult position if you have an empty annexe and MiL needs somewhere to live.

I would seriously reconsider buying the house.

beergiggles · 19/06/2024 17:47

TinySmol · 19/06/2024 17:39

Care of the elderly is a feminist issue.
It always falls to the woman.
Always.

She will probably live longer than you anticipate and every resource you have will be geared towards looking after her.
Say goodbye to all your independence. And your time and money.
She's clearly on a downward trajectory as it is. She could be ill and then very ill for a very long time.

We have to get out in front of things & make sure it cant fall to us!
I wont be doing anything, dont live near any elderly relatives & gave up driving several years ago.

Sofatree · 19/06/2024 17:52

Recently viewed a house with a big 2-bed annexe. Originally built to house the vendor’s parents. Immediately disregarded it, as I could just see my MIL wanting to move in!! Fuck no!! Stay strong OP.

Either have the funds to immediately renovate it… or find a different house.

Pinkbonbon · 19/06/2024 18:12

Don't buy a house with an arsehole.

Use this as an opportunity to leave him.

You're not going to be a nanny to a woman who's son would never do the same for your parents.

If there's no abuse involved then you and your husband should be responsible for taking care of both sets of parents as they age (perhaps with the siblings or by putting them in a home of course). If you partner says yes to this then he is
..not a partner. He's someone who expects you to be his maid and skivy. He knows fine well that's the direction things will take.

Either get out. Or refuse his mum on the grounds of an equal partnership. He doesn't get to be a hypocrit.

Abeona · 19/06/2024 18:19

This may or may not be relevant, but I'm presuming your MIL is over 55 and I wonder whether she would be in a position to buy a flat in a warden-assisted complex? It might take some of the pressure off you, give her the company and support she needs and be the best solution.

Friends of mine, faced with an elderly parent who wanted to downsize and live with them, ended up buying a rather nice 2-bed flat a short drive from where they live. FIL gifted them the deposit and pays rent to cover the mortgage.

SchrodingersParrot · 19/06/2024 18:20

GalacticalFarce · 19/06/2024 09:56

Ask your dh how he'd feel if your parents moved into the annexe?

I haven't RTFT so apologies if this has already been discussed, but I think this is an excellent approach.

And yes, OP, you WILL end up being her carer. When I was a child, my mother once said to me "Don't ever marry an only child!" It wasn't until years later that I realised what she meant: "You'll have to look after his mother as well as your own". Which is exactly what happened to her.