To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

I wouldn't do it and it's down to your husband to take care of her not yours.

If you don't get on now it'll be worse living with her trust me.

I'd just tell her no, it's not fair on the other grandparents/parents.

...And make sure she does not move in by stealth!

How long for...?
She's recently divorced, sold home, renting. Surely an ideal opportunity for her to make proper plans for the future. Sheltered housing perhaps, or assisted living or small flat. It would be a blessing to future if a realistic plan was devised now. Tell DH your boundaries and let him deal with MIL.

IF this is clearly a temporary stop-gap then personally I'd agree to it. Otherwise, a firm "no" to a longer term plan...
you cant accomodate your FIL and parents for longer visits if she has permanent use of annex.

He has told his mum that we need to to take time to seriously think about her request and that the decision will be one that is made jointly between us

Thanks for the update OP, and the above is very encouraging, especially as it now seems this idea may not have been set up between them but something MIL (unsurprisingly) seized on when she heard about the annexe

Personally I still wouldn't go ahead with it, doubly so as he's not all that keen either, but hopefully now you can at least present a united front on this

Edited to add that, if you do decide against, be prepared for an awful lot of emotional blackmail, starting with "Of course I wouldn't be any bother, how can you possibly think that" and moving onto "My life's at stake if I don't move in"

Honestly, I'd pull out of the purchase. I know you say you've been looking for a house for ages, but I think the risk that you'll be steamrolled into her moving in is too great. The fact he didn't outright say no when she first asked rings alarm bells. Once you've bought it there's no going back. I wouldn't do it, given you've said yourself that he finds it difficult saying no to his mother. Most usually a "We'll think about it" means yes, that's how your MIL will have received it. If you buy this house, you'll never hear the end of it.

Perfectly reasonable to say no.

If you do agree, make it clear that you aren't doing any caring, and stick to it. Every time she needs any help, it's on DH. Make that clear now - may change his opinion on her moving in.

That's a good point about the rent becoming a bone of contention with her other DC.

OP, is this the sort of family where the siblings are likely, despite not doing as much themselves, to have Strong Opinions on the level of rent that should be charged? Ie could they think you're enriching yourselves if you charge her anything at all, might they expect it to be at a discount etc? This is something I'd be worrying about because DMIL clearly isn't in a position to help herself much financially.

If your DH was accommodating of your parents I might consider it with the clear red line that you would never be responsible for her care, domestic work etc. However given your DH won’t be in a room with them I don’t see why you should be in a house with his.

Just say no. And stand by it.

Sorry if this has already been pointed out, but if MIL ends up needing significant care, then Social Services will probably decide that you're her carer, as you live with her (even though its an annexe) and will be in no rush to find her a nursing home.

I'd be suspicious of the timings and ask to see the S21 notice from her landlord. It all seems very convenient.

IF this is clearly a temporary stop-gap then personally I'd agree to it.

Yes.

It's a very big IF though isn't it?

I find my ILs very difficult to get on with.

Well to be fair, so does my husband!

Couldn't/wouldn't see them homeless but I can see how if they were settled & comfortable with husband/GCs on tap there might be little incentive for them to move!

Especially as they are pretty isolated where they are & honestly so desperate for company I think we'd find it hard to keep them to the annexe!

Over 55s who are not home-owners would qualify for sheltered housing. In terms of long-term planning finding something where care options can be added on at a later date, as needed, would be sensible. Your DHs siblings are likely to agree to this. If it is likely to cause friction between DH and his siblings and between you and DH to have her living in the annexe then it is not a good plan even on a temporary basis.

Couldn't/wouldn't see them homeless but I can see how if they were settled & comfortable with husband/GCs on tap there might be little incentive for them to move!

Especially as they are pretty isolated where they are & honestly so desperate for company I think we'd find it hard to keep them to the annexe!

Absolutely!!!

Oh no, bad idea

your husband sounds like he expects you to do the caring for his mum too?

as a child I lived with this situation, my dad moved his mum in and my mother ended up caring for her in that she was almost a servant/nurse. It was awful for everyone

my gran would shout for my mum to come clean her up every time she went to the toilet. My dad said as a man he could not clean/bathe his mum.

it almost broke my mum and my parents’ marriage

And wait for the moment when she stops paying rent and bills. Is the annexe allowed to be used as a residence?

@Thursdaygirl tgat is how my mum got trapped

YANBU

Once she has moved in, you can't kick her out. What if she can't pay the rent? Will your DH evict his sick elderly mother? No.

Will your DH evict his sick elderly mother in 5 years time so you can have a bigger kitchen? Of course not.

And the fact that he would not do the same for your parents speaks volumes.

You don't like her, it has huge financial implications, you will never be able to enjoy your home.

No no no

This, entirely this.

Funny that he refuses to spend time with your parents for no real reason but expects you to put up with his own mum moving into your new home all of a sudden when care needs are clearly on the horizon. Highly doubt he's going to be doing any of that.

Just say no.

I'd end a marriage over this.

Because then it can be framed as what is best for a husband and a wife team and not "you won't do it so I won't". Partners are entitled not to like their in laws.

This is not relevant if MIL can afford private care.

If she moves in, you will become her carer.

When she becomes more frail and needs help washing and toileting, it's highly likely she won't want your H doing her personal care even if he is willing.

You can get carers in to help. But you still have to be there to organise them and step in if they don't turn up. Even then, it's quite common for the person to prefer their personal care to be done by their female relative rather than a female stranger - and more common if they have dementia.

Caring is a literal labour of love. I've done it twice. I don't regret it. But I would sure as hell not do it for anyone I didn't want to because it takes over your whole life and when someone's end is coming it can be 24/7.

Go into this decision with open eyes and discount anything your husband says about him being responsible because when push comes to shove statistically it's going to be you not him doing the work.

Have you RTFT? its sounds like he doesn't expect it.....and we don't know why he doesn't like his in laws, there may well be a real reason.

Assuming a happy and functional upbringing, personally I think people do owe their parents some help when they come to need it, if it's do-able. But not in-laws.

Partners are entitled not to like their in laws

OP already said she finds her MIL annoying- so thats valid too surely. Partners are also entitled not to have to live with their in laws either so either way, it shouldn't happen should it?