To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

No, it can be hard enough at times living with people you enjoy the company of. For me it would be the impact on the kids, they’d inevitably have to quieten themselves in an aging grandparent was living with them, would they feel they couldn’t have friends over. Would MIL invite herself to family days out more/ expect to have meals prepared/ be taken places. It’s all the knock on effects of basically becoming responsible for her. It would definitely shift dynamics between husband and siblings as they’d probably assume you’d just do everything for her from then on. It doesn’t sound like a good or fair arrangement especially given how your family are treated by your husband either. Sorry, sounds like a recipe for a lot of ongoing family stress and far harder to move her back out if it goes pear shaped!

I appreciate the sensitivity of this situation but I honestly don't think this would work. Irrespective of there being a separate annex, you will feel increasing resentment contributed to by the fact your husband doesn't like your parents.
I appreciate that your MIL has had a tough time but surely she can find another rental accommodation. I think you need to have a frank discussion with your husband. Best of luck

Tricky. How old is she?

There is a BIG PURPLE button on each thread for this you know.

I cared for mum in our small home for 3 years. No other sibling could help, well one could have but wouldn't and mum clearly didn't want to live with them otherwise they would have.

So I took care of her as Alzheimer's got worse but she still retained independence and my lovely husband helped us make beautiful memories. It was hard on us and as parents both working especially so. There were nights he and I were drinking too much, nights I had to deal with mum's care for accidents.

But mum had very few options as too expensive to buy locally, so we were her home. I'm proud of that.

She enjoyed living with us and eventually we found a nice home where she made friends. She was independent and happy. She passed away unexpectedly a few weeks ago. I'm so happy that even though it was hard I could help her at least a few years.

My point is to say, if it's tenable you can do it but do it out of love and fair terms. It'll take everything , everything , out of you. Your husband will need to be more involved then most men tend to be. It'll be a labour of love and your marriage needs to be strong.

Siblings wise, mine had less possibility and less patience, but the one who could have lived with her but didn't, you would not believe the issues they had with her small contribution to our bills. I'll never forget the selfishness. They made the occasional visit to her when in care, and always too busy otherwise. Unbelievable.

I'm in grief, exhausted, and only now looking back at what it's all meant.

So be very careful. You may find your husband and family change from who they are and you'll be stuck.

Living this much closer together isn't a known remedy for improving a difficult in-law relationship.

(I imagine that many reality TV show makers would be keen to be a fly-on-the-wall if you go ahead.📹Like real flies, they know where to find something to feast on!)

What you need to say to your husband is “no”. I don’t see why you need to do anything other than tell him the truth as to why. If it damages your relationship with her, so what? You don’t like her and your husband doesn’t make any effort with your parents so you owe him nothing.
If your husband doesn’t want to tell her the truth then he could make anything up- it’s going to be an air bnb, it’s going to be an office, it’s for friends to stay etc etc

What happens if you decide to sell and she is too old to find somewhere else to live? Do you want to become responsible for her?

When my Dad was being discharged from hospital bed-ridden, with full-time care needs and I asked who was going to look after him the hospital didn't have an answer

They never do, though in fairness that's not really their role but that of Social Services with whom they're supposed to liaise ... and Social Services will put anything on anyone just to get the boxes ticked Edited

Thats what I was trying to say earlier, if she lives with the OP, this will be Social Services’ get-out clause if her care needs escalate.

You think this is not a plan but maybe it was his plan, and he is hoping you will agree- I wouldn't rule it out.

depending on how far down the line you are with the purchase, I would pull out and tell MIL it fell through

I saw a house with an annexe recently, but the annexe had a separate council tax rating: have you checked this? If it’s longterm meant to add space to the house, then you don’t want someone in it long term and how could you ever kick her out? I’d get dh to tell her this is the short term plan (if you say long term, she’ll ask to move in short term then never move!) Just no.

No it really doesn’t. My DH does more than his fair share of the caring responsibilities and it’s for my DM, not his!

I think it would be fairly hard in any situation, but since you don't get on well it's unlikely to be a success. Can you invent another use for the annexe?

No way. You will end up doing small things at first and personal care by the end . You’ll also end up divorced so just say no!

If her current home is needing to be sold by the landlord she might well be eligible [& move up the queue as she gets closer to the end of her tenancy & potentially homeless] for sheltered housing. Speak to shelter to find out more.

Pull out of the purchase. Whatever way you go with the annexe it will cause problems in the future, resentful mother in law or you resentful of your husband if she moves in. I know someone in a similar situation who went ahead with the purchase thinking they could 'manage' their mother's disappointment, it all went downhill from there. And yes if she moves in you will end up her carer, possibly round the clock if she ends up incapacitated.

I would put it on air bnb

We offered my parents our annex as they were about to retire in a few months. My DH was on board. It took one holiday with them for me to can the idea. We have since helped them in another way that has a longer term care arrangement should they need it in the coming years.

I just felt too claustrophobic having my parents in my space for extended periods of time and I projected that to a living situation and it just spooked me completely.

We are particularly house proud and my parents like to tinker in the garden. I am also not the softest person around and I just don’t think I’m cut out for any sort of caring role. That a a multitude of other differences between us just meant that it didn’t feel right.

Not only would I be rethinking the house, I would be rethinking the marriage.
You are being lined up to be carer, no matter what story they feed you.
It is impossible to enforce boundaries in this situation.
He can't stand your parents?
Have you posted about him recently?
Anyway, not a chance would I agree to it.
It will be very difficult to change this once it happens so you would be mad to consider it.
Deal breaker imo.

It is so common. Two of my friends were run ragged after their own parents before they went into a nursing home, but they were wonderful people and she adored them. But it was hard with children, house and job. Their husbands were never involved. When their husbands parents started needing help, appointments etc., they both thought their wives who "knew the ropes" would step in. They were so wrong. Both have had zero involvement in any way. It has meant their Saturday golf has gone out the window which they are grumpy about. If they had ever even slightly helped with their in-laws there might have been reprocosity, but there wasn't so they have refused to be in any way involved.
IMO men will foist this on their wives given half a chance.

I’ll get shouted down for this but I do find it sad that the prospect of caring for your parent/in-law in their old age is so repelling. When the OP is told “You will become her carer” this has only negative connotations, why is that?

I admit I have no experience of caring for parents as mine are still young. But the fact that this is our culture saddens me. Many other cultures welcome living with their parents and consider it their duty as children to care for those who once cared for them. I just wonder why in Britain this is such an unpopular practice and we’d rather put them in care homes.

@Groveparkmama

1. MiL is losing her home anyway, so if you don't get that house for whatever reason, what is going to happen?

2. Would your DH leave all her care to you?

3. WHY doesn't he like your parents?

Everyone here assumes he's in the wrong, but do we know the reasons?

Hmm is your MIL mean or anything? If you think of it from her perspective she must be in a tight spot to have to ask. If she's got her own Annex would it be that bad? She is family. If you make your husband promise to do the care and if it means he has to be nice to your parents forever then couldn't it work? Why does he hate your parents? Has he stopped you from seeing them? He's shot himself in the foot of so.

I think you might want to tweak your post to ‘Many other cultures welcome women skivvying for elderly parents/PILs…’