To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

There's also the point that a baby - unlike an ageing relative - can usually be expected to develop independence in time ...

I think it would make no difference as to whether you became her lead carer, if she stays where she is or moves next door. Probably easier (for either of you) to be on hand if she is next door.

Needs a conversation as to her ongoing care either way, I don’t think proximity is the issue.

Don’t do it - too many red flags, her health and the fact that you don’t get on brilliantly are the most obvious ones. I know it’s hard to say ‘no’ but it would be for the best for you and your husband.

wouldn't MIL having to move out of rented property be better looking to go into sheltered accomodation?

win-win

Definitely do not buy this house….it’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Let her move in but make it clear that if she needs assistance with daily living down the line, she will have to get carers in.

'LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · Today 17:59
I think it would make no difference as to whether you became her lead carer, if she stays where she is or moves next door. Probably easier (for either of you) to be on hand if she is next door.

Needs a conversation as to her ongoing care either way, I don’t think proximity is the issue.'

The point is, that OP does not wish to become her carer!
OP does not want to make it easier to become her carer, she does not wish to become her carer. She does not wish to be on hand.

Proximity does make a difference. Living at a distance means you are at a distance. It becomes impractical for it to be OP's 'job'.
If the MIL is in her annexe, it is harder to resist becoming the carer.
With MIL in her annexe, there is nothing to stop the 'can you just...' on repeat.

If MIL is at a distance, any distance helps, OP cannot become lead carer. There will need to be a different option.

Stop with the 'either of you' - not just you, Life's too short. but everyone who knows full well that the man here is not going to be doing his mother's intimate care.

Nice one DH! 🙄

”It would have to be a joint decision between us”

In other words, if and when he eventually says no to her it is you who will be the bad guy.😡

I wouldn’t buy the house, it’s going to cause too many problems. By saying it will be a joint decision has already put you in the position of being the bad guy. The fact he behaves as he does with your parents is going to make you feel so much resentment. Even if he says no and she doesn’t move in initially, it doesn’t mean this issue won’t be pushed again. No annex no problems.

Hi op,

no is a perfectly reasonable good answer. You will end up being the carer.

I feel so many elderly parents are in this situation. « Who will take care if me? » Maybe when you say no, offer your services to help her finding a good place. If she sold the main house, can she not buy something of her own?

Btw, I say that as someone who has a good relationship with mil, but I still wouldn't want her living so close, nor my own parents, or anyone who was likely to be popping in daily or multiple times a day. I would find that so mentally exhausting and my home wouldn't feel relaxed any more. Different strokes for different folks, but for me it would be a nightmare.

Let me tell you a little bit about LA care. I commented on page one and my stance is the same. If you have a relative in the house or next door the breakfast visit will be 11a.m. The carers have to prioritise sole clients. My father was a military man. Breakfast at 6am. Shower and ready for the day, guess who did it? Me and my 16 year old son although my father paid for it. Our care provision is shit in the UK and I have PTSD thinking about it (I developed an alcohol dependancy and at one point contemplated killing myself). I have a SEN DC so I'm not a selfish mare. I loved my dad and miss him every day but elderly care can consume your life. I woukd never do this to my children. Sadly I'm now disabled but I wfh when I need care it's a home for me. I'm a talker so I'm not worried about being lonely. Forward planning needs to be discussed. We have one life. Get her in a 55+ flat.

How can you live with someone who doesn't like your parents? Unless they're armed and dangerous? Partners can be replaced, parents can't. As for your MIL moving in, I'm not sure. Has he any siblings or would care further down the line be totally down to you?

That’s a tricky one. How many years do you remotely think it might be for? I would get your DH to have very clear conversations about you leading your own lives and if she expects to be invited in every Sunday for a roast, for example, then you need to feel you can tolerate that. You don’t want it to be a chore/unwelcome commitment. Lay out your terms and conditions to DH, if he doesn’t agree, then it shouldn’t happen.

Who's going to provide care to your parents, OP?

Avoid, avoid, avoid.

NeedMoreHeadSpce ·
The thing is, no one knows how long.
It's insidious. Once MIL is there, she is there. OP may agree with her popping out of the annexe for a lovely sunday lunch once a week, but that can quickly turn into something else entirely. However pleasant MIL may be, she is aging.
Asking MIL to leave because she has become a burden (I know, that's awful) is a lot harder than not having her there in the first place.

This. Just don't even consider it.
Better still, don't buy that house.

If or when your MIL needs more care it is inevitable that social services will put a LOT of pressure on you to provide it. You will have to be prepared to stand firm and say "Absolutely not". Your husband therefore needs to be aware that the pressure will fall on him. Is he prepared to take that on?

I would get your DH to have very clear conversations about you leading your own lives

If you mean a conversation with the DM/MIL, then from experience I honestly wouldn't bother @NeedMoreHeadSpce

It goes with "I'd never expect my DCs to care for me!!" when the parent is younger, in that while folk will say a lot for appearance's sake it doesn't always translate into reality once the care needs start stacking up

Trouble is by that time it can be too late, and once in it's a hard situation to get out of when the tears start and the cared-for take to insisting they should be dead

Make it absolutely clear that you will not be caring for her and that if she needs extra help or daily assistance she will either have to hire a home help or ask her son. Be blunt with dh and tell him that in no shape or for. Will you be taking on any responsibility for his mother. You have to be clear to both at the start and stick to your guns. This is a dh problem to deal with you have enough on your plate.

@Groveparkmama you do know there are specialist rental properties for the over 55/60s? Housing associations. Google it. Some great places. Own apartment, as much interaction you want or don't with others. Alarm systems for emergencies. Check it out.
Do not buy that house.

Yes

Say what you want. When it actually comes to it, it will all get dumped on her.

Say no , and her son can help find a place.