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Original poster

To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

363 replies

Groveparkmama · 19/06/2024 09:46

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

OP posts:
Thalia31 · 20/06/2024 20:08

Groveparkmama · 19/06/2024 09:46

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

Are you the op that posted a few months ago about your husband not liking their parents because they enjoy spending money and having fun during their retirement?

OhcantthInkofaname · 20/06/2024 21:05

You know it would be much easier for your husband to take care of his mother if she lives on site. Whether you like it or not she is his family.

Nonewclothes2024 · 20/06/2024 21:29

OhcantthInkofaname · 20/06/2024 21:05

You know it would be much easier for your husband to take care of his mother if she lives on site. Whether you like it or not she is his family.

Her husband won't be doing the caring though will he ?

T1Dmama · 20/06/2024 22:13

She is being evicted from a rented property… now is the best time to get herself down to the council and get herself in the list for a little over 50’s downstairs studio flat or maisonette! Lots of them sit empty & are harder to fill!
I would put it to her that rather than saying no you see this as the perfect time for her to get into one of these places and be surrounded by people of her own age.

gardenmusic · 20/06/2024 22:16

'OhcantthInkofaname · Today 21:05
You know it would be much easier for your husband to take care of his mother if she lives on site. Whether you like it or not she is his family.'

Are being intentionally obtuse?
Being a carer isn't just getting a bit of shopping in and driving someone to their appointments.
Do you think he is going to shower his Mum? Help her into her knickers and bra? Deal with any intimate cleansing or incontinence?
You and others like you on this thread are goading for the sake of it. You know full well it will fall to the OP.
MIL is his family, but he cannot and should not be dealing with his mother's intimate care - and his wife does not wish to.
Even if carers come into the house - and they will need access if OP and her husband are working, it will never be enough.

DedicatedCakeEater · 20/06/2024 22:20

Tell him him there is no need for her to pay for the annex. She can have your side of the bed as if she comes, you go.

Hankeringforsomething · 21/06/2024 00:58

Don't do it. My MIL moved in 3 months ago and it has been hell despite having an amazing hubby who has done the lions share of caring for her.
Luckily she is moving out soon as she was between buying homes and it can't happen soon enough.
Unless you are willing to become a part time carer and permanently hold your tongue to keep harmony, then I wouldn't recommend it.

Beautiful3 · 21/06/2024 06:13

Don't buy it! If there's no space for her, then she can't move in.

EverythingYouDoIsaBalloon · 21/06/2024 09:11

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 20/06/2024 18:16

Let her move in but make it clear that if she needs assistance with daily living down the line, she will have to get carers in.

The trouble is, if that situation crops up, OP may well find herself helping out a couple of times if there's some kind of emergency (as most of us would if someone is in immediate need), and it'll then be harder to decline responsibility for ongoing care. I can imagine stuff like 'But she's only next door, it won't take you a minute to pop round and give her bum a wipe' and 'It's better that a woman does her personal care' being trotted out by the DH.

Dibbydoos · 21/06/2024 09:52

But why would you need to care for her and how would you have tome to?

She can pay for a carer surely or your DH (sounds like a dream guy, not) can help her.

Let her move in. If it works out, fine, if not she could move to sheltered accomodation for the support she needs.

SocoBateVira · 21/06/2024 09:59

Dibbydoos · 21/06/2024 09:52

But why would you need to care for her and how would you have tome to?

She can pay for a carer surely or your DH (sounds like a dream guy, not) can help her.

Let her move in. If it works out, fine, if not she could move to sheltered accomodation for the support she needs.

This is very naive.

fantasycake · 21/06/2024 11:32

Dibbydoos · 21/06/2024 09:52

But why would you need to care for her and how would you have tome to?

She can pay for a carer surely or your DH (sounds like a dream guy, not) can help her.

Let her move in. If it works out, fine, if not she could move to sheltered accomodation for the support she needs.

Isnt it obvious? say she has a toilet accident and cant clean it up- DH says "oh I cant do it, mum doesnt want me to as I'm her son and male" what happens then? care takes time to put in place, so then its either leave her in her own soiled clothes which is inhumane or OP ends up doing it. Then, once it starts, it continues and then its expected and then it becomes a demand. Social services wont help because she already has help (the OP) and they will get out of providing care wherever they can because thats what they do due to budgets.

Many older people flatly refuse to pay for their own care as they want family to do it so then its either a horrible guilt ridden choice to see them living in their own filth or family end up begrudgingly doing it themselves. What happens if once she's moved in she wont move out? because she's lonely and its so lovely being with family, - OP's H is not going to throw her out onto the street so they are stuck like that forever.

I agree with PP that you are being very naive if you cant see this as a very obvious slippery slope to an expectation of providing care by the OP. I know because I've seen it happen many times.

gardenmusic · 21/06/2024 11:50

If you have carers coming in, they need access to your house.
How do you feel about a key box for if you are at work? I wouldn't like it.
How about the building modifications? I don't want my bathroom turned into a wet room slopes instead of steps. Hand rails.
If she was in her own place, I would insist on these things, but I don't want them in my house.

gardenmusic · 21/06/2024 11:51

OP, are you still around?

Alicewinn · 21/06/2024 12:02

I think this will turn the heat up with you and your DH, so yes agree with others, avoid avoid avoid, your home is your sanctuary.

OhCobblers · 21/06/2024 12:59

Absolutely never in a million years would I consider this for any parent. It never works and the women (daughter/in law), nearly always the women, are left running around like headless chickens.

Do not do it OP!

LaughingElderberry · 21/06/2024 20:25

Dibbydoos · 21/06/2024 09:52

But why would you need to care for her and how would you have tome to?

She can pay for a carer surely or your DH (sounds like a dream guy, not) can help her.

Let her move in. If it works out, fine, if not she could move to sheltered accomodation for the support she needs.

Oh you sweet summer child.

AllTheChaos · 22/06/2024 13:19

LaughingElderberry · 21/06/2024 20:25

Oh you sweet summer child.

Show quote history

Exactly! It’s like, hey @Dibbydoos, given care at home can cost hundreds of pounds a week, even a thousand, how exactly is MIL going to pay for this given she can’t afford her own home?! And once she’s there, the council won’t pay for sheltered housing unless op and her husband actually kick MIL out and make her homeless. Chances of hubby doing that sound about zero. As for why would she need care, she’s already elderly and ill. If she doesn’t die first, yeah she’ll need care, and no way hubby will be the one providing it!

Skybluepinky · 22/06/2024 18:38

As its self contained, Mayb let her move in but made it known u r not willing to do any carers duties and she’ll need to employ carers and u won’t ever change ur mind on it as yr parents will need to move it at some point.

bananaphon · 22/06/2024 18:44

Skybluepinky · 22/06/2024 18:38

As its self contained, Mayb let her move in but made it known u r not willing to do any carers duties and she’ll need to employ carers and u won’t ever change ur mind on it as yr parents will need to move it at some point.

I'm sure she'd agree to anything to get her foot in the door.

Cyb3rg4l · 22/06/2024 20:15

But something smaller. This is recipe for resentment and marital and financial disaster

Crankyracoon · 22/06/2024 21:20

We will all get old (hopefully) and most of us will need care. It sounds like you and your husband are in a postion to help the woman who raised him. I wonder how you as a mother would feel if you were in this situation in the future.

gardenmusic · 22/06/2024 21:47

Well , I know how I'd feel Crankyracoon,
I would feel mortified that I had pushed my child into becoming my carer against her will and inclinations.
I'd feel horrified that she had to spread herself so thinly between me, her full time job her children and her relationship.
I would be mortified that becoming my carer meant that her home had to be adapted for me.
I would be bloody distraught at the thought of my daughter wiping my backside, and cleaning up after me, an adult - that's a job for the professional carer.
I would weep at the idea of her doing a full day's work after I had had her up twice during the night.
I would feel like an absolute swine because I had done these things to the daughter that I love.
Oh, and it wouldn't be my daughter doing it, because I have a son - it would be my daughter in law - hell would freeze over before I did that to her.

TomatoSandwiches · 22/06/2024 21:50

Crankyracoon · 22/06/2024 21:20

We will all get old (hopefully) and most of us will need care. It sounds like you and your husband are in a postion to help the woman who raised him. I wonder how you as a mother would feel if you were in this situation in the future.

Some of us find the idea of having our adult children being our intimate care givers abhorrent.

Flossflower · 22/06/2024 21:59

Crankyracoon · 22/06/2024 21:20

We will all get old (hopefully) and most of us will need care. It sounds like you and your husband are in a postion to help the woman who raised him. I wonder how you as a mother would feel if you were in this situation in the future.

I absolutely would not want my adult children to care for me ever. Why would I want to ruin the lives of people I love. I have already told my adult children this.