To not want my MIL to move into our annexe

[Groveparkmama]

My husband and I are in the process of buying a house which has an annexe. MIL currently lives on her own in a rented house, which she has just found out that the landlord is planning to sell. MIL has now asked whether she can move into the annexe (assuming all goes OK with the house purchase).

I am struggling with how to manage this request. MIL is not in the best of health and, although she (currently) manages living on her own, I worry that I will end up having to help her out and well as run a home, raise two children and hold down a very busy full time job.

MIL and I have an OK relationship but are not particularly close and I find her annoying after spending more than a few hours with her. I do feel sorry for her because she has had a terrible few years with her husband leaving her, ill health and having to sell the former family home.

My feelings are also clouded because my husband does not like my parents, which I find very difficult. It is a very long story, but I don’t agree with his views about my parents. I find it hard to swallow that he can barely stand being in the same room as my parents, but I am being asked to consider having his mother live in our annexe.

My husband and I are financially contributing 50/50 to the house purchase and my husband has already made it clear that MIL would have to pay rent to live in the annexe. The annexe has its own front door and there are no interconnecting doors between it and the main house.

Help!

I think OP left us some time ago.
I just want to say a massive thank you to carers, professional and family.

what a selfish bunch, have some compassion !

Pickle59
Have some sense!
Compassion is not destroying your own life and giving your children less than they should expect from their mother in order to become a carer for your mother in law.
Compassion is finding the correct care, not being a martyr.

Just to give mention, I would suggest checking the planning approval/building control on the annexe. If it has planning approval, an annexe will often come with a condition that it is ‘ancillary to the use of the main dwelling’ so that it is reliant on the main house. and cannot be used as a separate unit.

I would not want my children to be responsible for any of my care when I get older.

The only way I would consider this is if

a) she didn’t have a key to the house so had to knock on the door. She didn’t invade your family life or private time, except for agreed times/days

b) he built a more compassionate and kind relationship with your parents. He may need therapy to work this through.

c) your parents also can live in the annex of the opportunity arises

d) you do no care or cleaning for her. She is not your responsibility

PardonMee · Today 03:52
The only way I would consider this is if

' a) she didn’t have a key to the house so had to knock on the door. She didn’t invade your family life or private time, except for agreed times/days'

Thing is, PardonMee, as she ages, she will need more help, and that cannot be corralled - it will be led by need. Agreements like that are for the well.

' b) he built a more compassionate and kind relationship with your parents. He may need therapy to work this through. '

That would be nice.

'c) your parents also can live in the annex of the opportunity arises'

If the opportunity arises supposes that MIL has moved because her care has become too much, or she has died, and now OP's parents need care. OP does not wish to become a carer.

' d) you do no care or cleaning for her. She is not your responsibility'

With such close proximity, that simply is not going to happen. No normal caring person will leave someone in distress until the carers get there. Would you let your own property, because the annexe is theirs, become unsavoury? Because I guarantee husband is not going to do it.
You are offering kind ideas, but in reality they only work while MIL can manage.

Have you ever cared for an elderly relative?

The ones saying OP should do it have no conception, because if they did, they would not wish it on their worst enemy.
Those that take on the role of deep care, rather than putting the vacuum round. have my deep respect, and I wish them well, but these posters are either very naiive or goading.

Mumsnet is never a good place for discussion of in-laws.

Are you going to end up caring for her anyway in which case move her next door less work for you. But if you are able to put your foot down and stick to it that it's a strong NO on future caring duties don't but the house !

Make it clear that if her health declines further you won’t be taking on care responsibility and she’s have to get carers. She pays rent and you have a formal tendency agreement.

We nearly did this when my mil died. My fil was fit but didn't function well on his own. A close friend talked us out of it telling us how her relationship with her aunt had been completely destroyed after she moved in to their annex.
Her aunt was also her godmother and they had been extremely close until she moved in. Whilst she was in the annex the aunt effectively controlled the house, criticising my friend's husband, children and preventing her from going out or on holiday. Of course it happened slowly- a sudden illness &. very pa comments. The aunt had been very generous and had bought them a new tv but then insisted on watching it because 'her one didn't have such a good picture '. In the end my friend had a breakdown & her gp told her to move the aunt out. The aunt lived in very good health until the age of 100!

Compassion is not destroying your own life and giving your children less than they should expect from their mother in order to become a carer for your mother in law
Compassion is finding the correct care, not being a martyr

Probably the most accurate post on the thread ...

You are obviously buying a home you love, so people saying don't buy it so she can't move in, is just daft, what next, buy one without a spare room, no garden so you can't build a granny flat etc...
Say it's a clear no, but tell her what can be done instead & help her to do it.

I was recently in a situation where my ex mother in law came to stop for what was supposed to be 3 days, it turned into 6 weeks.
She has early onset dementia, she has capacity but her short term memory is non existent. You wouldn't think she has capacity though, she had never had a freind, a hobby, never went to groups, nights out, coffee mornings etc, my ex FIL had a high income, he did everything, the cleaning, cooking, finances, she was a kept woman with no understanding of money, doesn't know how to clean or cook she didn't know how to do anything at all & it was impossible to teach her with no short term memory.
She had not been able to stay in her home because she was neglected & financially controlled by her children, so was staying with the final child, for us to discover by chance that this one was at it even worse. A long story short a SW that was already involved instructed she was not allowed to go back to her home or the child's house she was staying at.

It was round the clock care, the child she was staying with slept all day & then stayed up chatting rubbish all night, so for MIL it wasn't bedtime until 4am. I was getting bed an hour earlier every few days, it ended with me sat on the sofa in the dark every night, because it was like putting a child to bed, excuses to keep getting up, roaming about, keep coming in my bedroom, She was incontinent, but not through health reasons, it was because she wouldn't go the toilet unless you told her to, she simply did not want to have to get up to go, couldn't even make herself a cuppa.

I was not sure what I was going to do, because I couldn't maintain this & she had always said that she would never go into a home. So what I did from here, you could do similar. It may seem like a lot of work now, giving her the time & support, but a bit extra now will pay off in the long run, reducing the chance of you needing to provide long term care.
As you say she has had some health problems & has a no fault eviction, first it's important you contact your LA to notify them of risk of homelessness & also adult services because she has a health need & with homelessness she is vulnerable. The next thing is find out where your assisted living complexes are & take her to visit some.
My DD, knew someone that worked in a complex close to us & she said she would give us a tour, I was able to talk my MIL into visiting. My MIL loved the complex, having a restaurant, library, hairdresser, all on site, lots of social areas always someone to chat to, the flat was a brilliant size, she was told we could get carers to go in 3 times a day. One thing my MIL couldn't cope with was being alone, so this assisted living ticked the boxes she thought she wanted, her own flat, independent living, whilst having company & support always on hand.

For my Mil, talking about what she would want in a care package, she was actually asking for what a residential home provides. I found "senior home plus" a brilliant service, who contacted homes (with availability) on our behalf that met our criteria. I was able to talk her into visiting one around the corner from me. I always made sure to use the term residential home, never called it a care home, she never realised she was going to one of the type of places she had said she would never go to.
She was in a room there just three days later, within a week she was settled, she's been there 7mths now & absolutely loves it, she is settled & happy.
Because her situation is so complex, my life is on hold sorting her out, but I'd rather a few months now, than the other option which would have been her living with me & me being her sole carer providing round the clock care for what could be years.

If you did think you could explore these options I'm happy to answer any questions, it's an area I know quite a lot about.

Good luck in your new home when you get moved in x

Absolutely not

My FIL refused to let MIL's father move into their home when he was in the last years of his life...30 years later, MIL refused to let FIL's mother move in (his mother lived to 94). FIL was a bit taken aback, but as MIL said to me 'what did he expect?' She really didn't like her MIL, either.

In your situation I wouldn't buy a house with an annexe, especially as it sounds like neither of you are particularly keen for her to move into it.

Research local sheltered accommodation so you have relevant information on a sensible alternative to her living in annexe , your marriage will suffer if you don’t want her living with you so have a meeting with her in a nice pub and the 3 of you come up with a plan x

I would prefer not to but I guess it's difficult if your husband decides to go for it. A friend of mine moged with her family into a newly build house with a studio added for her MIL. Didn't work out, they've had to ask MIL to leave. Lots of disputes and heartbreak for everybody. I wouldn't do it.

If my partner felt like that and avoided my parents I'd be giving the same treatment to his. I am petty though lol

I have real fears for women these days facing a future caring for our ageing population. Of course it’s great people are living longer, but there isn’t the quality and availability of suitable social care to deal with the demand this will create. And the flak will inevitably be picked up by women, many of whom will be trying to hold down a job and raise children, since people are also having children later in life. I’m in my 40’s with a nine year old and worry about this endlessly with my own parents.
She might not realise it, but she isn’t only asking to live in your annexe, she is in effect asking you to care for her in the future. I hope this doesn’t sound callous, and I don’t mean it sound this way, but the more you fall into that role, the more likely how much you do will factor into any future assessment of her care needs. She will be seen as living with you, you and OH will be seen as her carers and she might not receive the support she needs and is entitled to. Far better for her to enter sheltered housing. Much clearer boundaries. You can still help without becoming her carer and the pathway to residential care will be clearer, if that’s what she needs.
Romantic notions of ‘oh it used to be that kids cared for their , I’d never consider putting my parent in a home’ just don’t work in this day and age. I’m not sure it ever did. Unpaid caring puts a burden on women. Also, cold as it might sound, and I adore my parents and will help them as much as I can, children don’t owe their parents care in later life. It wasn’t our choice to be born. I want to enjoy a close relationship with my parents that is not eroded by me becoming overstretched, resentful and out of my depth and their embarrassment at me having to undertake personal care. I know they would detest that.

So my answer would be no.

Although I completely sympathise with your situation and don’t envy you having to make this decision, I’m shocked at the amount of people just flat out saying no or even leave your husband! I’d be interested to see the responses if you’d asked advice about your own mother wishing to move into an annexe and your husband objecting. No doubt all these keyboard warriors would still be advising you to leave him!
At the end of the day, she’s still a vulnerable, older woman who is living alone. Maybe you could look into home help? The money she would be paying in rent could be used towards someone coming in to assist her once or twice a day if she needed extra help down the line?

Absolutely, look at legal situation with regards to care.
There are also a tonne of legalities that you woukd need to look into as in effect you'd be her landlord/landlady.

I do worry that the whole situation seems toxic with regards to the extended family. Does this not create problems with your childrens relationships with the grandparents? So sad.

Would definitely reconsider buying a house with an annexe! No way would I have my mil living in our garden, as by default I would be expected to become her carer and I will not ever be ok with doing that. You need to put your foot down.

Say no as he wouldn’t let your parents move in so why should his mother get priority