To have given her extra food?

[jerkorperk]

Last week I looked after a friend's DC for an afternoon as she is going somewhere her DC can't.

I offered. No problem there

She was given a packed lunch when her mum dropped her off. I said there was no need but her mum just said 'oh no, honestly, it's fine'

Assuming fussy eater etc I didn't question it and just let her have her packed lunch. We had some lunch alongside her

She had finished what she had and asked if she could try what I was eating. I said no problem, of course. And gave her a plate. I said eat what you like and don't worry about leaving what you don't

She ate it all. And for all of us afterwards, I had a cake. It was a red velvet cake from Costco. It is really yum and a nice treat

She had a slice and then another slice because she enjoyed it. She left a bit of the additional slice. Again, a non issue

I got a harshly worded text from her mum that said 'Hi, Y said you gave her additional food after her lunch provided. In addition to this, she had gorged on a lot of cake too? Please in future can you stick to what I provide'

AIBU to think what's the big issue? Have I overstepped some mark I didn't know about The little girl is 7. My own daughter is 2

It’s funny though the way you mention the coconuts. Once upon a time that kind of thing happened and it was considered a lesson learned, end of.

Now some mothers would be angrily texting whichever adult they considered most culpable, rushing dc to A and E and insisting their blood sugar levels were tested for diabetes.

Lots of lessons are learned through negligence, you're right. Also through no common sense from adults, who proclaim that because they were 'doing someone a favour' they can do whatever they like, however thoughtless.

I think the point the OP made was that the child was still hungry. She did not finish the second slice of cake, suggesting that by then she felt full. Some bits of chicken, a few grapes, some cheese squares etc are not much for a child's lunch. In school the teachers would be checking the child's lunchbox to see what was given, in such circumstances.

But OP states that the child specifically asked for all this food. My SD had a tendency to overeat and didn't seem to have the cues that tell her that she's full up, so we did have some rules in place for her about not accepting junk food from other people, but if she decided to then go off and ask people for food, we spoke to her about it, not the other people who were just trying to be kind.

She did go to a neighbour's house one afternoon whilst playing out with some friends, and came back having eaten a whole tin of sausages and beans and several slices of toast (straight after having lunch at home!), and we said to the neighbours that it was kind of them to offer her food but please not to in future as we were trying to help her moderate her food intake.

Matters improved a lot after she got an ADHD diagnosis and medication, the specialist we spoke to said that she was compulsively eating because of poor impulse control and needing the dopamine hit that fast food gives you. Again, our responsibility to take care of or at the very least to warn adults who are looking after her.

You may have a point, but I think you might be exaggerating just a tad.

But my point is, it's not up to people who aren't the parents to experiment with your children's tolerances with food, and purposely keep giving them more food then they could possibly need during one sitting, common sense should really have kicked in.

The girl wasn't asking for food (after initially asking to 'try' some of what OP was eating), or saying she was hungry, OP decided herself that the girl was still hungry and needed to be given more food for some reason, she probably felt she was doing the right thing, but she had zero thought for what the consequences could be.

My MIL tells a story of my DH who's nans (her MIL) babysat for him for the afternoon, she didn't have any sweets to give him so instead she let him sit and eat a whole bag of mint imperials.. she thought she was being kind, but on the way home he started being sick (in a taxi no less) and they had to have the doctor out to him that evening because he was so ill with stomach pain.. her 'kindness', while it absolutely came from the right place, as I'm sure the OPs was, was completely misguided and lacked the most basic common sense.

But OP states that the child specifically asked for all this food.

No she doesn't state that at all, after her lunchbox she said the girl asked to 'try' what OP was eating, but instead of letting her try a bit, she gave her a plate of it, which she ate.

She then gave her a slice of cake (didn't ask her), then because she 'seemed to enjoy it' she gave her another slice of cake (didn't ask her again, just gave).

At no point does the OP mention the girl asking for food apart from initially asking to 'try' a bit of OP's lunch, which was different from what she was having, the girl never said she was hungry.. it's only because she ate what she was given then looked like she enjoyed the cake that OP carried on.. but girl may have felt she had to eat what she was given out of politeness.. or she didn't want to say no to someone she doesn't know very well, and appear rude.

I think what you're describing is very different in fairness.

To me it doesn't really matter that the OP gave her lots of food on a one off occasion. If OP was regularly minding the child, that would be a bit different and the mum would be okay to ask her not to top up too much. But she would/should presumably put some thought into how she phrased it, so as not to appear rude or come across as demanding. Particularly if OP was minding the child as a favour and not as paid childcare.
As a one time favour, it really doesn't matter what the child ate, because it won't be repeated every day.

Even if the OP was completely in the wrong, when someone does you a favour, so long as they've kept your child safe and not put them in harms way, you say thank you and don't complain. If you really disapprove of how the favour was carried out, the solution is to not ask them again. You don't send a snotty text and then follow it up with another one! I know I shouldn't be, but I'm still so surprised that people need telling this - it's a basic social skill.

Oh for crying out loud! It was cake not some kind of poly filler.

The fact that there have been enough people fuelling debate about whether op was in the wrong for giving a child human food grade cake to run for this many pages goes to show the overweening obsession some people have about food these days. It was not even two full slices. On one occasion. Boring.

The only interesting bit was the fact that mother was prepared to create such a scene about it.

The mum was unnecessarily rude, I don't think anyone's disputing that though?

The worst thing about the text was the 'next time' part, I'd have bit back about that immediately, if the mum was that bothered she wouldn't have put that part, because surely there wouldn't be a next time, but none of us know what the childcare arrangement is between them and the OP hasn't elaborated.

Why do people always go to the extremes on mumsnet? 😂

Do you always get so frustrated when people don't immediately agree with your point of view? Yikes.

Maybe you've had too many food colourings...

It’s not about cake though.. we’ll never know if the mum would have objected to ‘one slice of cake’ because that isn’t what has happened. She was fed two dinners, 2 slices of Costco cake (Costco cakes are taller than your standard shop bought if you were wondering about the relevance) and some popcorn.

there is debate about it because people like you are being obtuse about what she was actually given and are trying to minimise it for some reason, and the mum isn’t ‘creating a scene’, she’s sent a rude text, and a snarky follow up, no one is denying that.

why not just stick to the facts as op says them rather than minimising certain things (what she was fed) and maximising other things (the mums response) to suit your own agenda? It’s very odd.

Yes, that's what I said. I wouldn't expect people to know without me saying. For my child it's not always easy for her to guess what she can eat (or even for adults) as a lot of foods she can have just not in large amounts.

why not just stick to the facts as op says them rather than minimising certain things (what she was fed) and maximising other things (the mums response) to suit your own agenda? It’s very odd.

There's also been minimising the size of the child's lunch (not just the absence of a starchy carb) when it could easily have been a whole chicken breast, but then also minimising the slices of cake, which could well have been adult sized pieces. Without a picture of the lunch and cake, we don't know.

That's the thing though we don't know. So it's just as ridiculous to cry about it being a COSTCO CAKE as if that means op would have served a full wedge up (as she doesn't possess a knife) we don't know.

Most of are are probably assuming the slice of cake is what we would serve a 7yo.

So why are some people assuming the lunch is what they would serve a toddler, not a 7yo? Yes, it is missing a starchy carb but the rest could easily be decent portion sizes. We don't know that the child was hungry, just that she fancied trying a bit of what others were eating.

It could have been but op described it and said her 2yo would be hungry which suggests it was a small portion surely?

She could have just fancied it. I still wouldn't be bothered!

Why are people saying there were no carbs in her lunch? She had a Soreen bar. That's at least 17g of carbs. That's more than a slice of bread. And there are carbs in grapes.

Just because she didn't have a pile of pasta it doesn't mean carbs were "missing".

I doubt any of that matters given it was only once. If the mother wanted her child only fed what she gave she should have said so i.e. no snacks, cake etc. then receiving mother would have known and not produced cake or popcorn. In the absence of instructions, the rules of hospitality take over. If a guest expresses hunger after their meal then you feed them some more (most adults are too polite to say they are still hungry so this only applies to children, really). Mother of said child should get over herself and check up on what her DD needs to eat - I am not overphazed by lack of carbs in her lunch, but the meal seems a bit thin.
Ancient history now, but for a 7-year-old packed lunch I would do a round of sandwiches (crusts off) made with wholemeal bread (more filling) and with suitable filling (not chicken if it's going to sit around, my DCs liked cheese and pickle), crisps, some fruit (apple or banana), maybe a couple of cheese triangles, a drink (not fizzy) and something sweet (small wholegrain bar, for example). Alternative to sandwich would be a slice of pizza, one-sixth of a standard pizza in size.

Most of are are probably assuming the slice of cake is what we would serve a 7yo.

Even if we're going to go ahead and say that the slice was 'appropriate for a 7-year-old' why did OP feel it was then necessary to give her more than that? If she's already had what was a portion suitable for her age then by definition anything further was too much? It's the excess that I think most people are objecting to, and while people are keen to point out that indulging oneself now and again is fine it's not OP's place to decide when that happens.

Yeah there were definitely carbs. People are talking about adding bread or equivalent that would make it bordering on a light lunch to more substantial.

Regardless of the details and who was right or wrong I think the other mother and the OP are incompatible to share childcare. They are close to both ends of a spectrum.

Honestly I mean... I just couldn't get het up about it. I think if you've left someone caring fir your child you suck up that it is their choice what to feed them as long as it's safe.

Share childcare? There is no sharing. Op was doing the childcare.

It's just stupid. People are talking like it was a tiny restricted lunch. But if you swapped the Soreen for bread and then put the chicken and cheese in it, it would have been a sandwich aka lunch.