DS threw bully’s phone in lake

[CandidBeaker]

DS, 13, and his friend were being bullied by some other children in the park yesterday and a girl was filming him having his books thrown on the floor so he grabbed the phone from her and threw it into the lake. She hit him and then they all ran over to the lake and DS and his friend came home.

I received an angry voicemail from her mum this morning demanding that I pay for a replacement. I was fuming. I’m not paying for a new phone when she was the one who caused it herself by joining in harassing my son. It’s called karma. If she thinks I’m buying a new one she can fuck off. AIBU?

As the saying goes, there's your version, my version, and the truth.

If the other mum has your number I presume there is a school connection somewhere. I'd ask the school to intervene if you think there's a bullying problem.

I wouldn’t be paying for jack shit. Definitely get the school involved though to prevent this from escalating any further.

I ams so Sorry for your son having to put up with nasty shits like this. Karma indeed. Block the mother and she can get her own child to behave.

I can only assume that the mother of the girl does not know the true version of events (hence her anger) as surely if she knew her daughter was using the phone to film bullying, she would tell her daughter that it serves her right.

Eek it's a tricky one. I probably wouldn't pay either, but I'm sure the girl will have told her mum and entirely different tale to what your son has told you.

I personally think that the circumstances leading up to the loss (of the phone) are very significant.

Had she not been filming harassment/abuse with it - presumably for her own/other people's entertainment rather than gathering evidence that she was fully intending to take to the police (and did she report the attack to the police afterwards as a concerned witness?) - her phone would have been perfectly safe.

If a vicious dog came over to attack and severely maul you and you somehow managed to boot it hard to get it off you, and killed it in the process, I don't see how the owner would have any grounds for blaming you.

I know this case hasn't (yet) gone to the law, but when people are found guilty of profiting from crime, the money is taken away from them - even though there isn't anything intrinsically wrong with the money itself.

At 13 he's over the age of criminal responsibility, so he/you either replace the phone or risk the other family pursuing a case of criminal damage with the police.

You would hope this, but it could really go either way: she might have been completely lied to by her DD and genuinely believe her to be an innocent bystander; or she could be one of these parents whose children can never do wrong, and it's always somebody else to blame, never their precious angel.

The same applies to OP and OPs son.

Just like the mother of the owner of the phone, i would definitely be looking for more of an explanation to this.

Possibly the first time ive ever heard of someone being bullied by a group and them being able to get away from the bullies, up to the bystander recording, steal their phone and throw it away....... Did the bullies just stop and watch this happen? Did the girl just hand over her phone? Could there be more to it than either set of parents realise.

Might be worth having a chat to them, just in case.

Basically she wasn’t exactly the ringleader but was laughing and mocking him and filming him. It has happened before with these kids and they’ve bullied other children as well, the main two.

There's 3 versions of events.
If your 100% convinced DS is right, let the police deal with it.
Not the school they are there to teach not sort fights between children.

Ideally you want the footage thats on that phone - hopefully it's backed up to a cloud somewhere

Out of interest, how would you view things if, instead of this scenario, it were a (sadly far from unheard of) case of a nasty bully/sex offender in school pushing their phone under a locked toilet cubicle to try to film their victim and violate their privacy and dignity?

The advice usually given in such cases is, if at all possible, for the victim to try to stamp down hard on the phone and smash it - hopefully also injuring the hand of the little scrote who is holding it.

Would you say that a teenager being victimised in this way at school should do nothing, allow themselves to be intimately filmed and wait patiently until it goes to the police?

This is a tricky one. If someone took my teenagers phone and threw it in a lake I'd call the police. I think you need to bear in mind that the girl will have told her mum a very different story.

Was she doing anything else apart from filming? It looks a bit from your description that she was just filming so it might go against your son.
Also were other bullies boys? If yes, and he went after a girl, it’s not good.
I understand that he wanted to stop filming and was upset but the truth might be a bit more complicated than his story.

Hell, no. Her daughter got what she deserved. It's called karma. If she doesn't want her phone thrown in a lake, she shouldnt be bullying your son or filming him being bullied. Tough shit.

Natural justice aside, your ds is now in a position where he has damaged someone’s phone and is going to have a hard time proving it was justified. Bullies often put in counter claims of bullying and who is a third party going to believe was the bully, the person who had their phone thrown in the lake or the person who threw it?

While I agree in your position I certainly wouldn’t be rushing to pay for the phone, you need to teach your ds better ways of dealing with situations like this, so he doesn’t potentially end up in more trouble than the bully.

Yes, I agree. None of us were there and are able to testify what happened one way or the other.

That said, I think it's often manifest to parents when their kids are frequently involved in/accused of such cases of bullying on a regular basis - if they choose to believe it, of course.

Obviously, it's by no means 'evidence' of any kind, but I wonder if OP's DS has been accused of similar acts as an aggressor before - as these other children have?

Play big boy games, get big boy results

This.

Or indeed a civil case against you. They may win, they may not. But it's a risk you have to consider.

I would reply by outlining your son's version of events, and then explain that you won't be replacing anything. Then I wouldn't interact further. I very much doubt that anyone else will get involved, and the only evidence of what happened is likely to be hearsay from those who were present.

The main ringleader was a girl and the other ringleader was a boy. The others in the group were the girl I’ve mentioned and other girl. Two of them were his year and two the year below.

I cannot imagine anyone going to the cost and effort of pursuing a civil case against someone for the cost of their kid's phone

I'd suggest a meet up with mum and both your dc, see how the conversation goes.
Why did you throw her phone in the lake
She was filming me
Why were you filming him
I wasn't, or it was funny but I wasn't bullying him
Hopefully mums can be united and she can claim on her insurance