To want to cut off Mother/Ask how to do it?

[CollyWobble99]

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with both of my parents.

My father was a very physical discipline kind of guy, and very sexist, racist, homophobic, all the ‘Isms’ basically but he worked away a lot and I didn’t really see him much.

My mother was.. changeable. Very explosive emotionally, very violent, prone to outbursts and regularly beat the crap out of me. I remember being beaten with pool cues, cricket bats, slapped, punched, kicked, spat on, hair pulled, I had boiling hot drinks thrown on me, I got locked in the front porch with both doors locked so I couldn’t go anywhere or even go to toilet, starved for days etc etc.

I was also sexually abused by my mothers father, a man she had idolised all my life so I wasn’t able to say anything to her or anyone, about it. When he died I got absolutely paralytic at his funeral because I was so fucking triggered by everyone he saying what a wonderful guy he was.

I learned later that actually he had also sexually abused my mother and some (not all) of her siblings. It started with her at a certain age so presumably she thought I’d be safe as I was younger, but she sent me off on holidays with her parents, I spent whole weekends and half terms at their house and they took me away to their caravan in a different country for weeks at a time. I wasn’t safe, obviously.

She made no secret of the fact that she got pregnant with me to get my dad to marry her, so she could leave her fathers house to escape his abuse. Apparently she was ecstatic to learn she was pregnant. But she hated me once I was actually here. Clearly resented me. Anytime my own father stuck up for me she punished him too and he always relented, and let her do whatever she wanted.

She had multiple affairs when I was growing up and to the best of my knowledge I’m still the only one who knows about them. She used me as a cover and told me if I ever told my dad about them, then it would be my fault my younger siblings would lose their father and their home.

I developed a drinking problem as a teenager which I’ve since managed to kick. I’m have always suffered MH issues, anxiety, depression and cptsd all of which I’m seeking help for.

She’s never once been able to see anyone else’s pain or point of view, she is incredibly self centred.
If it doesn’t involve her feelings, then it doesn’t matter.

I had successfully cut her off for years and my older kids had nothing to do with her. Then she got really ill and my siblings didn’t think she was going to make it, so
I went to the hospital to see her. She ended up surviving but is in a horrible state health wise, but now she’s back in my life I don’t know how to get rid of her.

I hate her being around. I can’t stand the sound of her voice. The last time I spent any length of time with her (I went to her house, the one I grew up in, to try and help tidy and declutter for the carers, and ended up going home and attempting suicide. All the triggers were just too much)

I don’t know if she genuinely has any regrets or if she just wants someone to care for her now she’s getting more frail, but I don’t want any part of it.

She’s been doing this weird, smothering thing where she’s messaging me every day now, trying to buy me things, offering to babysit, being complimentary (she denigrated every aspect of my looks and personality growing up) anything and everything to be near to me and imho, make up for some of the shit. I remember literally being beaten just for being a ‘Fucking weirdo’ (I liked to read aloud to myself, I found it comforting. I chewed my hair, I repeated excerpts of tv and films I’d seen that stuck in my mind for some reason. I had tics and did other socially unacceptable things and was often beaten for being embarrassing to her )

I just don’t want it. I have a visceral reaction to her and it genuinely makes me physically sick when she’s around.

She was diagnosed as autistic in her early 60s so I’ve really been trying to cut her some slack. I was ‘late’ diagnosed as AuDhd in my late 30s so I’ve really been trying hard to be gentle with her because of that and what she went through herself as a child, but I don’t feel I can take it, mentally or physically. I have 6 children myself, 4 of which are also ND. All of my energy is going into not repeating generational trauma, trying my hardest to be the parent my kids need and maintaining my relationship with my (frankly wonderful, angelic husband)

I really wanted to try and care for her in the way I know she must have missed out on herself as a child, but after all this time I just don’t feel I have it in me anymore. She doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings, or the effort anyone else makes, she’s never once been concerned with difficult times I’ve had (or my siblings)

We were left to fend for ourselves from a very young age but she still wants this picture perfect mum and child relationship with us all. I know she is ND. I know she is traumatised. But do I have to keep trying to fight all of my own trauma in order to be a good daughter?

I really want to be able to cut her out of my life for my own peace and safety but I don’t want my siblings to suffer or be put in an awkward position.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. I think I’m asking is it ok to prioritise myself at this point, knowing how hard she has/had it too and didn’t have anyone looking out for her? Will I survive the guilt if I just.. stop? I

Block her phone and email. It's the only way. My MiL is v v similar. She's almost certainly autistic, but so are DH and I and we don't abuse our children, so we have no sympathy.

Anything less than full severance won't work with a person like that.

My dm was a rubbish one.. Haven't seen her for 12 years. No regrets.

You owe this woman absolutely nothing. Block her or change your number if you have to, if you feel strong enough you could even write her a short letter explaining why. It sounds like you’ve had a terrible time and I’m so sorry for this, but this is your time now and you don’t need this person in your life anymore. Protect yourself and your family, put yourself first xxx

A thing people have said in the past. You don't set youself on fire to keep other people warm.
Your treatment at her hands was dreadful abuse, so cut her off, so she can't carry on the same thing. It will go on. You could suggest she get therapy but you are not in a postion to do it.

Yes it’s ok to prioritise yourself. It might help to tell yourself that you are in fact prioritising your own children, because you need to be mentally well to care for them.

Yes you can bear the guilt but it will be hard and you need support. Eg from a counsellor, self help group etc . Remember you’ve been trained all your life to do what she wants , so it will be hard to say no.

You will also feel terrified some of the time, so be prepared for that.

my advice is to get the support in place first
decide what level of contact you will have, if any
then work out how you will cope with the flying monkeys
decide now under what circumstances you will consider changing the plan eg will you go to her funeral
decide if / how you will communicate that decision
when take action to stop / reduce contact

You need a plan, it’s going to be hard. But most people who have been through years of abuse find that on balance its worth it. It can help you start to heal .

Put yourself first. You are a mother and your kids need you. Write a registered letter or an email with a read receipt to your mother to Mother’s name, I am letting you know that I will not be in contact. This is because of all that happened in my childhood. Your violence and cruelty to me was wrong as was the abuse I received from your father. Therefore I have moved on and I distance myself from you. What you and your father did will be known for always. Yours sincerely and your name. Block all contact routes. Return to sender any letters. Keep your boundaries. You will probably start to feel better as well.

Oh what an awful childhood existence you had .
You need your energy for your children so don't waste another moment on your mum .
You should just walk away .

Wow I'm shocked by the responses here tbh! I’m so used to be being wrong or told that I’m wrong and punished for thinking/saying/doing the wrong thing, I was fully expecting to be told to grow up and move on.

‘You will also feel terrified some of the time, so be prepared for that’

Honestly I feel like this all of the time. She spent a few hours with my family recently and by the time she left I was literally pulling out my own hair. I can’t stand it. The kids don’t know any of it and just see poor old ‘lovely’ grandma. I’ve painted myself into a corner and don’t know how to get out. My husband is now talking about selling the house and moving away, possibly even emigrating. I know he’s not a fan of the weather here (uk) but I think he’s trying to create the distance for me that I’ve been unable to do myself.

I just want to be far away and never worry about her ever again. Once I am further away, I will block her on everything.

Interesting point about the funeral, no I don’t think I will go. My grandfathers was triggering enough, this will be considerably worse!

Just stop. You’ve got other siblings. Life is too short to put yourself through this and it sounds like your mental health is fragile.

If you need to you can arrange care to come in so she’s physically looked after too, but it’s absolutely fine to say that it’s too much and you need some space.

I do have other siblings. They’re all younger, and all male. She’s just so different with them it makes me feel like I’m going crazy. She actually wanted them though which is probably the difference. I was a means to an end. I just want out.

She clearly is lining you up as a carer as the sole female offspring. Let her rely on the sons she wanted so much.

Have you ever had it out with her? It might give you some relief.

In your shoes, I would list all the reasons she was horrible mother and person and tell them to her and then tell her that you and your family do not want a relationship with her and to please never contact you again.

Kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.

“She clearly is lining you up as a carer as the sole female offspring”

This is what I feel is happening. I’m not going to do it.

“Have you ever had it out with her?”

I knew that some form of confrontation had to eventually happen in order to help me start to heal. I imagined it a hundred different ways in my head, but when I learned that her dad did the same thing to her I realised that I’d never be able to now.

She told me about that on my birthday one year. She’s always had a mad reaction to my birthday. I avoid the phone and my husband puts anything with her hand writing on it that comes through the post straight in the bin.

She’s as damaged as I am, the difference is I’ve never abused my children as a form of release which is what I see now she was doing to me.

That woman was no mother to you . She birthed you and that's where it ends .
Block and move on with your life without a backward glance .

That was really hard to read. You poor woman.
Thank goodness your husband has your back. Would moving disrupt your children unduly.
Can your mother come to your home independently?
If not, block her completely.
Tell your siblings that you are not to be contacted about her.
It can be done.
It just entails YOU putting YOU first.
Moving house is effort, do you want to do it?
If you think it will be a positive move then consider it.
Do not become involved in her care in any way. It will finish you off.
You sound like an amazing woman who has done a great job parenting yourself and your children.
Go that final step and cut her off once and for all.
Your children need you healthy and well.
THAT is where your priorities and obligation rests.
Not with her.

Please stop contact before you beakdown. You need not explain why.
Ask you DH to deal with any fallout from your siblings or her. Protect yourself.
The late diagnosis does not excuse her behaviour throughout your life, her abuse may explain it, but does not excuse it, particularly as she sent you into the same situation.
You deserve lots of love and care. Your DH, children and friends are your family. If you can imagine living in another country, go! If not, put a mental distance of 10,000 miles between you.
Wishing you all the best

You owe it to your children to protect yourself.

Wishing you well. When you write “the difference is I’ve never abused my children as a form of release which is what I see now she was doing to me.” This resonates with me. I had many problems with my mother. Put yourself first. Block. Don’t be her carer. Do not communicate with her. Live your life knowing that your kids have you as their mother and that is great. You are a survivor and you’ve broken the chain of abuse. This takes true determination and courage. I say that because I’ve done similar. My kids are so important to me - I am the opposite of my own mother. I gave her every chance but she was always horrid. Luckily my kids have little to no memories of my mother who died when they were small or not born yet. I make sure that my older kids know what I experienced so that there is no sentimental thought.

I am sorry you had to go through all this OP.

Put yourself and your kids first and focus on your own life.

I have mental health issue too and I am on the autism spectrum and I would never hurt a child or allow a child in my care to be hurt like you were...A parent being damaged is never an excuse to take their issues out on a vulnerable child. Your mother made her choice.

I cut off all links with my selfish, manipulative and lying mother who neglected my health when I was growing up and failed to protect me from my over critical and violent father.

Cutting people off is not an easy path to follow, there is guilt (especially because these type of parents tend to raise their children to become dependent/enmeshed and guilt trip them from the start) but it was the right choice for me and my life is so much better for it now.

Not a single one of my relatives on her side of the family have my address/phone or email now. Everyone is blocked because they were being used as 'flying monkeys' who did not respect my no contact.

Only two weeks ago one of them tried to follow me on social media and I had to immediately block them.

When I was young I left home as soon as I could and moved to a completely different country to escape that environment and finally get a life of my own.

Some parents/families are just so toxic that it is sometimes necessary to cut these relationships to save your mental and physical health.

Maybe try to get some counselling support if you can while you decide to cut off contact.

Also to avoid a big face to face confrontation (because toxic parents won't suddenly have an epiphany/apologise/change their ways when you tell them you have had enough of their behaviour and can no longer have them in your life) I would just put your feelings and request for no contact in a letter and send that to her.

Then you block her and you finally get on with your own life.

You can expect that some family members, if you want to continue to stay in touch with them, will try to make you change your mind/criticise you so be prepared for that as well.

Asking your husband to communicate directly to your siblings that you are not to be contacted in any shape or form regarding your mother, can be very helpful.
He can say ill health means there will be no futher involvement/engagement with her.
Your decision is final and not up for discussion.
Any attempt to circumvent this request should be blocked.

Yes NC is sad and painful, but ultimately the peace it brings is hugely life enhancing and gives enormous headspace to begin to heal and accept.

You so deserve peace and headspace OP

Simply “I’m sorry, I’ve tried but I cannot do this”. Then stop and stay stopped. The hardest thing is everyone else. You have to let the comments bounce off of you like tennis balls.

"Very explosive emotionally, very violent, prone to outbursts and regularly beat the crap out of me. I remember being beaten with pool cues, cricket bats, slapped, punched, kicked, spat on, hair pulled, I had boiling hot drinks thrown on me, I got locked in the front porch with both doors locked so I couldn’t go anywhere or even go to toilet, starved for days etc etc."

Read that again, and please go NC and don't look back. She is a brutal, sadistic monster and you must protect yourself and your dc from her. You should have gone NC the moment you turned 18. No sane person would have ever blamed you.

I am so sorry this happened to you. It's utterly horrific and you did not deserve it. Cut off all contact, you do not owe her anything. Yes, she is damaged but not by you. You cannot change what happened to her, you can only build a better life for you and your children- without her in it.

Please tell your DH and children (if they are old enough) about the abuse she inflicted on you. Let the daylight in on it all.

Would it help you if you wrote out all these terrible memories and your feelings, and posted it to her (and copies to your siblings) and ended by telling her she is dead to you?

I have no advice I just want to say I see you OP and I respect and admire you hugely for breaking this cycle. You are a wonderful strong woman and I wish you happiness and peace.

No advice here either but I wanted to say you did not deserve that. Every baby and child has a right to be protected and loved. I’m so sorry you were failed so miserably in this regard.

Definitely go NC