To want to cut off Mother/Ask how to do it?

[CollyWobble99]

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with both of my parents.

My father was a very physical discipline kind of guy, and very sexist, racist, homophobic, all the ‘Isms’ basically but he worked away a lot and I didn’t really see him much.

My mother was.. changeable. Very explosive emotionally, very violent, prone to outbursts and regularly beat the crap out of me. I remember being beaten with pool cues, cricket bats, slapped, punched, kicked, spat on, hair pulled, I had boiling hot drinks thrown on me, I got locked in the front porch with both doors locked so I couldn’t go anywhere or even go to toilet, starved for days etc etc.

I was also sexually abused by my mothers father, a man she had idolised all my life so I wasn’t able to say anything to her or anyone, about it. When he died I got absolutely paralytic at his funeral because I was so fucking triggered by everyone he saying what a wonderful guy he was.

I learned later that actually he had also sexually abused my mother and some (not all) of her siblings. It started with her at a certain age so presumably she thought I’d be safe as I was younger, but she sent me off on holidays with her parents, I spent whole weekends and half terms at their house and they took me away to their caravan in a different country for weeks at a time. I wasn’t safe, obviously.

She made no secret of the fact that she got pregnant with me to get my dad to marry her, so she could leave her fathers house to escape his abuse. Apparently she was ecstatic to learn she was pregnant. But she hated me once I was actually here. Clearly resented me. Anytime my own father stuck up for me she punished him too and he always relented, and let her do whatever she wanted.

She had multiple affairs when I was growing up and to the best of my knowledge I’m still the only one who knows about them. She used me as a cover and told me if I ever told my dad about them, then it would be my fault my younger siblings would lose their father and their home.

I developed a drinking problem as a teenager which I’ve since managed to kick. I’m have always suffered MH issues, anxiety, depression and cptsd all of which I’m seeking help for.

She’s never once been able to see anyone else’s pain or point of view, she is incredibly self centred.
If it doesn’t involve her feelings, then it doesn’t matter.

I had successfully cut her off for years and my older kids had nothing to do with her. Then she got really ill and my siblings didn’t think she was going to make it, so
I went to the hospital to see her. She ended up surviving but is in a horrible state health wise, but now she’s back in my life I don’t know how to get rid of her.

I hate her being around. I can’t stand the sound of her voice. The last time I spent any length of time with her (I went to her house, the one I grew up in, to try and help tidy and declutter for the carers, and ended up going home and attempting suicide. All the triggers were just too much)

I don’t know if she genuinely has any regrets or if she just wants someone to care for her now she’s getting more frail, but I don’t want any part of it.

She’s been doing this weird, smothering thing where she’s messaging me every day now, trying to buy me things, offering to babysit, being complimentary (she denigrated every aspect of my looks and personality growing up) anything and everything to be near to me and imho, make up for some of the shit. I remember literally being beaten just for being a ‘Fucking weirdo’ (I liked to read aloud to myself, I found it comforting. I chewed my hair, I repeated excerpts of tv and films I’d seen that stuck in my mind for some reason. I had tics and did other socially unacceptable things and was often beaten for being embarrassing to her )

I just don’t want it. I have a visceral reaction to her and it genuinely makes me physically sick when she’s around.

She was diagnosed as autistic in her early 60s so I’ve really been trying to cut her some slack. I was ‘late’ diagnosed as AuDhd in my late 30s so I’ve really been trying hard to be gentle with her because of that and what she went through herself as a child, but I don’t feel I can take it, mentally or physically. I have 6 children myself, 4 of which are also ND. All of my energy is going into not repeating generational trauma, trying my hardest to be the parent my kids need and maintaining my relationship with my (frankly wonderful, angelic husband)

I really wanted to try and care for her in the way I know she must have missed out on herself as a child, but after all this time I just don’t feel I have it in me anymore. She doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings, or the effort anyone else makes, she’s never once been concerned with difficult times I’ve had (or my siblings)

We were left to fend for ourselves from a very young age but she still wants this picture perfect mum and child relationship with us all. I know she is ND. I know she is traumatised. But do I have to keep trying to fight all of my own trauma in order to be a good daughter?

I really want to be able to cut her out of my life for my own peace and safety but I don’t want my siblings to suffer or be put in an awkward position.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. I think I’m asking is it ok to prioritise myself at this point, knowing how hard she has/had it too and didn’t have anyone looking out for her? Will I survive the guilt if I just.. stop? I

Hi guys, me again (sorry)

So there’s a new situation and I’m not sure how to navigate it. Youngest brother is expecting with his partner. Due in the autumn. They’re having a baby shower and me and my mother are both invited. I don’t want to not go, he’s the most supportive and loving family member that I have. I know how much he’s always wanted a family and this means everything to him. There’s a good chance that she won’t actually go due to Ill health but if she is there, how do I manage to not make a weird atmosphere and simultaneously not be drawn into crossing my boundaries?

I'd go round and see your brother and his partner on another day before the baby shower. You can have quality time with them whilst protecting your own mental health by avoiding any future contact with your mother. I'm so sorry she treated you so badly. Take care x

That’s a really good idea, thank you x

She is and was a horrible mother. No decent human being would let their child go through such an abusive childhood. You owe her nothing.

I would take your husband's advice and move, whether somewhere in the UK or abroad and make sure she does not have your new address.

Cut all contact with her (change your phone number/email and block her on social media) and with any member of your family who tries to guilt trip you into staying in touch with that toxic individual.

I moved to a different country when I was 21 to make sure my relatives could no longer hurt me and try to control my life. I am no contact with all of them now. No regrets and feel so much better for it.

Absolutely as suggested above, go around before it and visit them.

You can love your brother but your mental wellbeing is your boundary for YOUR children.

Do not allow ANY confusion on that score.
Do not apologise to your brother.

He will have a child soon and hopefully realise that a parents wellness directly impacts their children.

EVERYTHING you do to keep yourself healthy and well, you do for your children.

I know there’s very complex feelings tied up in this situation so the thing I really want to emphasise is that none of this is your fault. You’ve had an awful childhood, and you have grown into decent human being not a child abuser. While you mum has also had an awful childhood, there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for yourself. Using your own abuse as an excuse to abuse others is unforgivable. I’m sure her mental health is a mess, but we all have a responsibility to not take our problems out on others. If she’d just been neglectful it might be possible to see past it, but she was actively abusive and no amount of childhood trauma makes that forgivable.

Put yourself and your children first.

You're doing amazingly well, OP.

I'm often really surprised at how ready people are to go NC with their parents, sometimes for quite trivial reasons, but in your case, it sounds like it is absolutely the right thing for you to do. I'm sorry that you have suffered so much, and I really hope that you can stay strong and start to rebuild things for yourself. Your DH sounds really supportive, which is great.

Stay strong. You are not responsible for your mother's wellbeing, but you are responsible for your own. Put yourself first, if not for your own sake, then for the sake of your children. You need to preserve your own wellbeing in order to be the best possible parent to them, so there is no need for you to feel any guilt.

I think I missed this post before. This made me laugh tbh, I’ve got severe asthma. We had oxygen tanks in the house when I was a kid, one in my bedroom and one downstairs in the dining room. I remember my parents being told by drs not to smoke in the house but they both smoked all day every day, at least 20 each regardless. Now I’m wondering if it wasn’t just the smoking that did me in.

Hi OP, I’ve been lurking since the beginning and think you are doing amazingly well.

Your latest update, though…goodness!! So little regard for their own child’s health. Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

Keep on as you are, you’ve got this!

I'd definitely do this.
And well done for being so strong.

I’m so sorry to keep coming back to this. My eldest daughter went to see my mum today. I haven’t stopped the older kids seeing her, they’re pretty much adults now and know that our relationship is troubled but I haven’t gone into detail. My youngest kids had birthdays in the last two months and apparently she had presents for them and asked my older kids to go get them. My DD obliged and came away feeling in turmoil. Apparently she asked where I was, didn’t understand why I haven’t been in contact, divulged a whole new diagnosis (paranoid schizophrenia) and teared up begging my dd for help when she was trying to leave. I don’t even have sympathy any more I’m so fucking angry.

Oh dear. OP, if your children are going to see your mum and you want to support that, you may have to have a rule with them that they do not tell you anything she says. Its up to your children to decide if they can handle it.

Did you decide what to do about the shower. If I were you, I would go, but be prepared to leave if your mother is there. Sending you all the best.

You can't make up for her terrible upbringing. Let her go. Just accept she was too damaged to do her job properly and that's sad but it's not your problem to fix. You have to maintain your own well being because you have a lovely family who love you and need you. That's where you should be, with people who love you.