To want to cut off Mother/Ask how to do it?

[CollyWobble99]

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with both of my parents.

My father was a very physical discipline kind of guy, and very sexist, racist, homophobic, all the ‘Isms’ basically but he worked away a lot and I didn’t really see him much.

My mother was.. changeable. Very explosive emotionally, very violent, prone to outbursts and regularly beat the crap out of me. I remember being beaten with pool cues, cricket bats, slapped, punched, kicked, spat on, hair pulled, I had boiling hot drinks thrown on me, I got locked in the front porch with both doors locked so I couldn’t go anywhere or even go to toilet, starved for days etc etc.

I was also sexually abused by my mothers father, a man she had idolised all my life so I wasn’t able to say anything to her or anyone, about it. When he died I got absolutely paralytic at his funeral because I was so fucking triggered by everyone he saying what a wonderful guy he was.

I learned later that actually he had also sexually abused my mother and some (not all) of her siblings. It started with her at a certain age so presumably she thought I’d be safe as I was younger, but she sent me off on holidays with her parents, I spent whole weekends and half terms at their house and they took me away to their caravan in a different country for weeks at a time. I wasn’t safe, obviously.

She made no secret of the fact that she got pregnant with me to get my dad to marry her, so she could leave her fathers house to escape his abuse. Apparently she was ecstatic to learn she was pregnant. But she hated me once I was actually here. Clearly resented me. Anytime my own father stuck up for me she punished him too and he always relented, and let her do whatever she wanted.

She had multiple affairs when I was growing up and to the best of my knowledge I’m still the only one who knows about them. She used me as a cover and told me if I ever told my dad about them, then it would be my fault my younger siblings would lose their father and their home.

I developed a drinking problem as a teenager which I’ve since managed to kick. I’m have always suffered MH issues, anxiety, depression and cptsd all of which I’m seeking help for.

She’s never once been able to see anyone else’s pain or point of view, she is incredibly self centred.
If it doesn’t involve her feelings, then it doesn’t matter.

I had successfully cut her off for years and my older kids had nothing to do with her. Then she got really ill and my siblings didn’t think she was going to make it, so
I went to the hospital to see her. She ended up surviving but is in a horrible state health wise, but now she’s back in my life I don’t know how to get rid of her.

I hate her being around. I can’t stand the sound of her voice. The last time I spent any length of time with her (I went to her house, the one I grew up in, to try and help tidy and declutter for the carers, and ended up going home and attempting suicide. All the triggers were just too much)

I don’t know if she genuinely has any regrets or if she just wants someone to care for her now she’s getting more frail, but I don’t want any part of it.

She’s been doing this weird, smothering thing where she’s messaging me every day now, trying to buy me things, offering to babysit, being complimentary (she denigrated every aspect of my looks and personality growing up) anything and everything to be near to me and imho, make up for some of the shit. I remember literally being beaten just for being a ‘Fucking weirdo’ (I liked to read aloud to myself, I found it comforting. I chewed my hair, I repeated excerpts of tv and films I’d seen that stuck in my mind for some reason. I had tics and did other socially unacceptable things and was often beaten for being embarrassing to her )

I just don’t want it. I have a visceral reaction to her and it genuinely makes me physically sick when she’s around.

She was diagnosed as autistic in her early 60s so I’ve really been trying to cut her some slack. I was ‘late’ diagnosed as AuDhd in my late 30s so I’ve really been trying hard to be gentle with her because of that and what she went through herself as a child, but I don’t feel I can take it, mentally or physically. I have 6 children myself, 4 of which are also ND. All of my energy is going into not repeating generational trauma, trying my hardest to be the parent my kids need and maintaining my relationship with my (frankly wonderful, angelic husband)

I really wanted to try and care for her in the way I know she must have missed out on herself as a child, but after all this time I just don’t feel I have it in me anymore. She doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings, or the effort anyone else makes, she’s never once been concerned with difficult times I’ve had (or my siblings)

We were left to fend for ourselves from a very young age but she still wants this picture perfect mum and child relationship with us all. I know she is ND. I know she is traumatised. But do I have to keep trying to fight all of my own trauma in order to be a good daughter?

I really want to be able to cut her out of my life for my own peace and safety but I don’t want my siblings to suffer or be put in an awkward position.

I’m not sure what I’m asking. I think I’m asking is it ok to prioritise myself at this point, knowing how hard she has/had it too and didn’t have anyone looking out for her? Will I survive the guilt if I just.. stop? I

Maybe your brother needs to hear exactly why you’ve cut her out of your life OP. Some hard truths. Spell out what she did to you, and don’t sugar coat it.
Hopefully he’ll gain a better understanding of why you have to do this.
I think you’re incredibly brave btw. Stay strong x

Exactly this OP, probably your best chance of 'rescuing' your youngest DB is to lead by example, he needs to see that it's ok to detach from her. It may not happen straight away and you will need to step back and let him work it out for himself (like you had to) but you will have shown him there is a way out and then it's his choice whether to follow you. If you let yourself get sucked back no one learns anything and the cycle keeps repeating, it's bloody hard being the one to break it but 100% worth it ime.

You are not obligated to subject yourself to her abuse because your brother is weak and falls for her manipulation. That is his issue, not yours. You owe your egg donor (she's not a mother) nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I would tell my brother that discussions about her are off limits and that is final. Then refuse to discuss her if he brings her up. Set your boundary and stick to it. Again, his angst about her is HIS issue. Don't let it become yours.

As for your emotions, choose guilt over resentment every time. Guilt goes away with time when it is learned behaviour and not truly warranted. Resentment festers and destroys the person who feels it. Not to mention the fact that you have nothing, NOTHING to feel guilty about. Removing a destructive person from your life is a profoundly healthy and rational thing to do, and you have every right to protect yourself from her.

No OP, you cannot go to see her, you simply cannot. You will undo all of the progress you've made over the last few months. You need to prioritise you, your DH and your kids. And that won’t happen while she remains an anchor around your neck. Your brother has 2 other siblings to look out for him.

Honestly in this situation I would just block and delete, if you feel you want to send a very brief message beforehand to say you no longer wish to have contact and do not contact you or come to your home - you don't have to go into any great depth - then do, but otherwise block and delete. If she arrives at your property you don't answer and ignore and if required contact the police to remove her for harassment. Stay firm with this and stick to your guns, you do not owe anything.

@CollyWobble99 please don't go and see her.
She knows why you're NC.
I think , if you feel up to it, you need to explain a bit more to your brother how she treated you.
If you can't then do as others have suggested, tell him the discussion is closed.
Good luck.

OP - would sending your brother a link to this thread be helpful? He could read exactly what has happened to you and the advice given by people who are not caught up in the web, as he is, and hopefully he will understand your position.

Or would your DH take him out, out of earshot of your kids, and explain it to him?

Unless your brother actually understands what he is dealing with, he will naturally keep trying to reconcile you and your mum, which isn't what you need.

DO. NOT. GO

You are literally going to set yourself back months. Why would you do that?

Your children and DH will have to deal with the fall out, it is just not fair on them. Put your own family first. They need a healthy, happy mother and wife. You have come so far, why on earth would you let her take all that away from you??

You are NOT going to feel better for seeing her. You are going to feel worse. You know that, and your DH knows that.

There is no possible way you could go and come out feeling happier or more at peace.

So stay away. You owe it to yourself and your little tribe to keep her out.

Your brothers are grown men. They can look out for themselves. Explain clearly that you will not discuss her, hear any messages from her, even hear news of her. Protect yourself. Hold the boundaries, keep going with the therapy. Your future happiness and in turn that of your family depends on you doing that.

I have just read this entire thread. What a vile person your mother is and was so sad to read.

Please please don't go to see her.

Your brother needs to read this thread, or at least your OP. I think he then will stop facilitating her emotional blackmail.

Does your younger brother know the full extent of her abuse of you, neglect and that she knowingly allowed her father to SA you?

Do not go and see her. Explain to DB why you have no contact. Give him the full story including why she had you in the first place. Tell him the effect she has on you. Point out that he (and other siblings) were never treated the same way.

Then reiterate that you will have no contact with her, you will not be manipulated and if he keeps trying the guilt trips you won't have any contact with him either.

Yes he's carrying a heavy burden. One day he may realise for himself what she's like and the circumstances under which he's living. But you are not being selfish for protecting your own sanity. She is your mother in name only.

Think of it this way - you’re not being kind to him by doing what he wants, he knows not what he does, he’s still in the fog.

What a lot you've been through OP.

I also don't think you should see her - you have to protect yourself, just the thought of it is making you sick and you can't sleep, you have MH difficulties and visits have made you suicidal before. I understand what you say about your younger brother, but you can't sacrifice yourself to save him from hurt. And I don't think you seeing your mum, will make everything OK for him anyway. If you don't think you're worthy of protection, think of it as protecting the mum for your children.

I also wanted to say it's common for abusers to threaten suicide, it's a way of manipulating and controlling people. Even if she is feeling that way, it is not on you and as you rightly say there's trained people to help.

I also wondered if your younger brother knew the extent of the abuse and hardship you suffered and that the none contact is to protect yourself. Maybe you could share the content of your first post in a message to him, if you felt comfortable doing that. Or a shorter version. You don't have to explain yourself, but it may help him to understand. But that's a decision for you.

I hope you've felt able to talk to your husband and managed to get some rest last night.

Don't go OP confide in your husband about the pressure from your brother and let him protect you, he is your safety net and he loves you x

Thank you all for your replies. I did read through them but I haven’t updated as I’ve been quite ill myself this week, but I didn’t go. I’ve been hit with all manner of sob stories and guilt tripping but I’m just holding onto staying strong, I don’t have the headspace or strength for anyone but my own children, husband and getting myself where I need to be.

Thank you again for helping me stand firm.

ive read through all your posts and I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. Stay away as if you do visit, she knows then that she just needs to threaten suicide and manipulate your poor brother and it will get her what she wants. Seeing her now would likely actually amplify her manipulation of your brother whereas if you stick firm she will realise he’s not useful in that regard. It’s so incredibly hard and you’re doing wonderfully. Confide in your DH - he seems an absolute gem. He sees your mother for what she is - let him remind you of that.

So pleased that you didnt give in to her emotional blackmail.

I've got a very good friend who's Mum was very similar to yours.

She moved away and I advised her to not share her address... she didn't and was very happy for 7months.

Then she got sucked back in, by Mother on supposed deathbed, and regretted it so much.

Of course her Mum didn't die for another 3 years.
Unfortunately my lovely friend never managed to "escape" her Mothers emotional abuse and regrets so much those wasted years.

Don't get sucked back in OP.

I've cut both of my parents off for less than what you have been through. You are in charge of your own life and don't need permission to block her. Disability or not you she is toxic and you don't owe her anything after that childhood. To be blunt you're an adult now and you need to take responsibility for your own life and happiness, don't martyr yourself trying to do the “right" thing by her because she is your “mother". The right thing is you doing what is best for you and your own children.

So glad to read you have held on.
Fyi, we hold all our mothering emotional stress in our lungs and chest.
If your health issues are in that area, it could well be your stress that has caused it.
Mind yourself and hope you feel well soon.

Well done on standing firm and staying away. Stick with it. You need to protect yourself and prioritise your health, your family, etc. Take care of yourself.

You can’t ‘save’ your younger brother, and especially not at the expense of yourself. He needs to see for himself, but whether he will or he won’t is a different matter.

You may feel responsible for him because you had a part in raising him, but he’s an adult now.

Do not feel guilty. In a just and fair world, your mother would have been prosecuted and imprisoned for the terrible things that she did to you as a child. You haven't reported her to the authorities, so she has suffered none of the legal consequences of her abusive behaviour. Yet she still continues to torment you.

You owe her absolutely nothing. You do have a responsibility to your husband and children to protect yourself and to cut this woman from your life forever. If necessary, block any family members, including your brothers, if they try and guilt trip you to resume contact with your abusive mum.

So pleased you're prioritising yourself and your own family. Keep on doing that.

Where are your other siblings in all this? Does younger brother contact them and plead with them to visit mother? I bet he doesn't because mother doesn't want to control them, she knows she can't anymore and just wants to make life hell for you and her youngest child because she was previously able to break you and she wants to do it again.

Remind your younger sibling that your mother's demands do not trump your own MH. After all, she's the monster who caused your MH issues.

So glad your DH is supportive. I hope he manages to move you all away from her.

She lost the right to be called your mother a long time ago. She was your abuser. And she facilitated her father in also abusing you. Yes she was traumatised, but that does not justify traumatising you in turn. Protect yourself, and the family you have built for yourself. Stay strong in your no contact.

Hi guys, back again. I don’t have a huge update but any engagement with my mother shakes me to my core tbh and I just need to vent a bit, I hope that’s ok.

I managed really well to not have any contact but I didn’t tell her I wasn’t going to be involved with her anymore. Pretty cowardly and not what I hoped I’d be as an adult but it is what it is.

One of my teens had a birthday this week. I haven’t made my issues with my mother anyone else’s problem, I’ve kept it to myself (barring my husband) My older kids are still in sporadic contact with her and I have no issue with that. She is not the same person with them that she was with me. Today my birthday child told me grandmas called to chat, sent some money as a gift and would be visiting shortly..

I then had a text from an unknown number saying ‘I’ve spoken to DD, I’ll be over soon. Assuming that’s ok with you’

I checked with DD and she confirmed that my mother had said she’d be over ‘in a bit’ during their chat at noon. I got the text at 5pm. I knew dam well who it was and replied that it wasn’t convenient, we have plans. I honestly don’t think I can manage another minute in her company. I’m trying so hard to repair myself, she’s the last thing I need.

Anyway I got a load of abuse via text and she ended with ‘Just be honest, I’m not fucking welcome!! I’ll butt out and leave you all to the rest of your lives!’

And I said ‘Great’

And that was it. Something and nothing. But I feel fantastic for it. I’m not ghosting her. I took a cowardly approach and I hate that about myself but she knows now.