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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is neglectful parenting?

159 replies

MissB77778 · 17/06/2024 17:51

My 2 year old sleeps at her dad's house every other weekend. She has absolutely no routine there, is allowed to stay up until whatever time she wants and often misses nap times. Her mealtimes are also all over the place. I know this because my ex has told me that he struggles to stick to the routine I have in place for her when she's with me, as he "cannot force her to sleep when she doesn't want to"

When my ex dropped DD off last night, I asked him about how her day was. He then proceeded to proudly tell me he let her "sleep in until 12pm" and she didn't have a bath until 1pm. Meaning that by the time my child got ready for the day she had been in the same nappy since the evening before and had already missed breakfast and lunchtime.

I do not want my DD to go back there because I believe he is being a neglectful parent. I need some outside opinions as I've thought about it too much and am now questioning if this is a dramatic response.

OP posts:
Perfect28 · 18/06/2024 14:02

I suspect the sleeping til 12 thing is a lie.

ThatGutsyHedgehog · 18/06/2024 15:09

I really feel for you OP having to co parent with someone must be so difficult!

I agree with other posters I doubt your child had actually slept till 12 but rather he hasn’t got up with her

May be worth speaking to the HV? Or could you speak to his mum?

I wouldn’t worry too much about the nappy if my son is settled I leave his nappy on overnight and that may be 12 hours- unless your child’s skin is sore.

I do agree routine is important apart from
one off important events which this isn’t an overtired child is not nice for anyone!

I don’t think the courts would stop contact over it though if he took it to court.

Could he just have her in the day rather than overnight ?

Willmafrockfit · 18/06/2024 17:53

MrsSunshine2b · 18/06/2024 12:02

We seriously do and it works well. We've allowed her to learn to recognise her "tired" cues and will say when she's ready, "I'm tired, can I go to bed now?" and she goes and gets her PJs on, does her teeth, then we read stories for a bit and and after that I cuddle her for a few minutes and she goes off to sleep. Most nights it's around 8:30pm, she was flower girl at a wedding on Saturday and she chose to stay up until 11ish as the adrenaline kept her going. Bedtime has never been negative for her, she enjoys it and she has a choice when it happens.

Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a reason why so many adults ignore their own tired cues and end up depriving themselves of sleep? The concept of bedtime being something unwelcome and enforced is ingrained in us from a young age and we end up resisting it well into adulthood!

Show quote history

well that is not have the majority of parenting works, including the OP in this case

OhHelloMiss · 18/06/2024 18:04

I also agree she didn't sleep that long....likely his mother came in and got her up and left him sleeping

Nextdoor55 · 18/06/2024 18:26

ForestForever · 18/06/2024 10:31

I don’t know if you’ve replied to the wrong post because not once have I said she needs to cut contact. I’ve said multiple times that she needs to document with a professional and seek advice. She’s asked for advice so we’re giving it to her. In my personal opinion meal times and changing your child isn’t about finding your feet. She’s not a young baby, she’s two, she’s in nursery. It’s basic care. If you can’t do that then you shouldn’t have unsupervised contact for as long as he is. He needs to recognise he’s not looking after her as he should be and either get on board or stop having her for overnights until he can if he’s really struggling that badly and that’s giving him the benefit of the doubt big time. If he’s struggling why is he proud of breaking her routine and not making a single amount of effort to reach out for help? There’s no evidence in this thread to back up what you’re suggesting at all so you’re just making stuff up to suit your own narrative when you have no clue. The only person who has any idea here is the OP but you seem to think you know more of what’s going on that she does. So please do enlighten us all, we would love to hear it? He’s not struggling at all, he’s just being lazy. It gets easier to put older children’s routines into place when they have a structured life yes, not if there’s been years of the child being allowed to skip meals and sleep and do whatever they like when they like because it’s easier for the parent to just let them do what they want than bother to stick to a routine. Have you ever tried putting a child into a routine where they’ve been given zero boundaries by a parent? Absolute nightmare. You see on here all the time one parent who works hard to give them a good routine and the Disney parent who can’t be assed with structured parenting because it’s too much like hard work. It’s not even as though he needs to build a routine from scratch because OP has done all of the donkey work to ensure he wouldn’t need to. She doesn’t just need a routine when she’s older, she’s in nursery full time now because her mum is a full time worker. She needs it now. It’s not fair on the child who will struggle with her routine being broken because he can’t be bothered. She needs routine now because good parents who want to co-parent effectively work together to keep everything in such a way that a child knows what to expect. It creates much less anxiety for a child who has structure. Children that already have good routines in place in multiple places are very easy to get into a good routine elsewhere because as I’ve mentioned multiple times their body clock and metabolisms are already used to working off a set amount of sleep and receiving meals regularly at around the same time. Again it’s all about having higher acceptable standards and stop making excuses for rubbish parenting. You seem to have totally missed the part where he’s abusive and dipped in and out of her life for her earliest years. Abusive people typically don’t make wonderful parents. That’s not an opinion, that’s a fact.

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You are extremely judgemental. Sounds like you know best isn't it?! Of course you do ..
In my experience of raising 3 children successfully
Children learn different boundaries & rules in different environments, & just because one parent is not as regimented or boundaried as another one does not take priority. A father is just as important as a mother.
And I will say again, we only have one side of this.
This is not abuse, or dangerous to long term development.
I do not see why if it is that important to the mother that she cannot communicate with her ex partner & they should be able to work together for the benefit of this child & family.

TipsyMaker · 18/06/2024 18:37

OP I don't think you are being unreasonable, I work alongside Children's Services and I know for a fact that this being a regular occurrence would be seen as neglect. As you said, was she asleep until midday, or was he? Although I would be wary of questioning him about it just yet, because I'd be concerned about him not communicating with you about what happens on his time. I would however be logging everything and collecting any evidence you can. I'd be so upset at sending my kids too, sending hugs.

ForestForever · 18/06/2024 20:55

Nextdoor55 · 18/06/2024 18:26

You are extremely judgemental. Sounds like you know best isn't it?! Of course you do ..
In my experience of raising 3 children successfully
Children learn different boundaries & rules in different environments, & just because one parent is not as regimented or boundaried as another one does not take priority. A father is just as important as a mother.
And I will say again, we only have one side of this.
This is not abuse, or dangerous to long term development.
I do not see why if it is that important to the mother that she cannot communicate with her ex partner & they should be able to work together for the benefit of this child & family.

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Show quote history

Im not extremely judgemental. In fact I could have said the same about you to the OP. We can agree to disagree because there is nothing anyone will say that can change my mind on this.

CraftyGoblin · 18/06/2024 23:07

I've been coparenting since my youngest was born. He left when I was pregnant. I hated the first couple of years. We still have different routines but our children have got used to it, a decade later. I see that you've already said that maybe you used the wrong word - "neglectful". I don't think it's neglectful either but I know why it's hard for you. Legally, he isn't doing anything that would mean you can end your arrangement. You should try and agree on certain things but you'll also have to accept that you have absolutely no control over what happens when they're with their other parent. Co-parenting is very difficult. It caused me a great deal of anguish. I hated that I couldn't bring up my children how I had envisioned. I couldn't control what happened outside of my own house, only what I did as a parent. The things that mattered 10 years ago don't matter any more - so when he let them sleep too much or stay up... they can't do that as they're at school. Did it affect them growing up? I don't know. Now I worry because he sometimes doesn't make them go into school because of 'tummy bugs'. I suspect he's slept in, he says they're ill. They tell me they aren't ill and he's slept in. I'm not dragging them into school to grass up their dad. I accept that they miss a couple of days of school per year. If they were at home with me all the time they'd have 100% attendance. Does it bother me? Yes. Enough to fall out with their dad and put them in the middle? Definitely not. I can see that you've responded positively to people agreeing with you, and a bit defensively to those who say yabu - so I don't know how you will take this. My advice would be choose your battles and you're going to have to let some things go. He's probably lazy but there's nothing you can do about it. If that continues, your kids will naturally make their own mind up and listen to you more, without you doing a thing. I know from experience.

ToeKneeBeee · 31/03/2025 07:30

OhHelloMiss · 17/06/2024 19:13

You really don't know how many nappy changes she may have had though

THIS

Exactly!

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