To think this is neglectful parenting?

[MissB77778]

My 2 year old sleeps at her dad's house every other weekend. She has absolutely no routine there, is allowed to stay up until whatever time she wants and often misses nap times. Her mealtimes are also all over the place. I know this because my ex has told me that he struggles to stick to the routine I have in place for her when she's with me, as he "cannot force her to sleep when she doesn't want to"

When my ex dropped DD off last night, I asked him about how her day was. He then proceeded to proudly tell me he let her "sleep in until 12pm" and she didn't have a bath until 1pm. Meaning that by the time my child got ready for the day she had been in the same nappy since the evening before and had already missed breakfast and lunchtime.

I do not want my DD to go back there because I believe he is being a neglectful parent. I need some outside opinions as I've thought about it too much and am now questioning if this is a dramatic response.

Having lunch later than usual isn't missing lunch though - it's just not having lunch at the time you'd like her to have it.

Re. the nappy, if she slept late, I assume she went to bed late and was in the nappy overnight? I think that's fairly normal as long as there's no poo.

I know it doesn't sound like it, but I do agree with you that it's not ideal - but you can't stop her from seeing her dad just because she goes to bed late and sleeps through breakfast. The courts take a very dim view on with-holding contact so you have to be very, very careful what you do.

Nobody's saying it's great, but they are saying it doesn't count as neglect, which is what the title and OP were suggesting.

What the F* you can't not feed a 2 year old breakfast and lunch and not call that at lest lazy parenting. If not neglect, why do people think that's OK. Even when I was ill and struggling with my own kids I would at lest feed them and change them. How do people think this is OK 😳.

A different sleep routine is fine, but sleeping so late they aren't fed.

Agree with other posters, not ideal but not neglect and you would be unreasonable to stop contact for this. It is a difference of parenting, some parents love routines and stick to them religiously, other parents just play by ear and respond to their child’s needs as they show them- neither is wrong, they are just different. A 2 year old can communicate when hungry etc, if they slept until 12 then their needs were met - the need for sleep. Having a lie in isn’t neglect.

I'd be worried about her getting uti's with the nappy being left on that long, that would be neglectful

@Perfect28 it isn't great but I doubt she'd have a leg to stand on in a court situation. Also, it is best to try reasoning and not inflaming for the benefit of everyone. Someone has to be an adult and as crap as it is it's going to fall on OP!

This would make me livid and in my view yes it is neglectful. To disregard a child's sleep and meal routine so completely is incredibly selfish and he sounds like a total prick.

If he was abusive to you before you split, is it possible he's lying, simply to try to continue upsetting you?

If a child slept 7-7 that would still be the same nappy for 12 hours to be fair. Mine didn't tend to pass a lot of urine will asleep by that age but if she's getting nappy rash then obviously that's an issue.

What's weird about keeping a nappy on 12 hours though? One overnight nappy is normal at this age surely? Mine keeps hers on 7.30-7.30, longer if we have a lie in.

All the posters saying "some parents don't have a routine and that's fine" ... yeah great. But at the end of the day I'm a working mother who has to get my child to nursery at 7:30am every morning. She is often absolutely exhausted after coming home from her dad's after being allowed to be up all night at her dad's. I have to then deal with the tantrums every morning because she's tired. She needs to be in a routine.

I don't think anyone thinks it's ok, but there's a big gulf between ok and neglect.

As a one off every other weekend I don’t think it’s any different from any of us having a weekend lie in? Or a late night to just muck about?

Routines are great when they are for a reason, like to be rested for work or nursery/school, but strict routine for the sake of a routine even when on a holiday or weekend isn’t necessary and can be too restrictive.

I think it’s healthy for children to have a bit of both. A break from routine now and then isn’t neglectful. If she were hungry, she would have woken up and asked for food so missing breakfast and having a late lunch isn’t neglectful. The nappy might be, but then if she’s not filling it while she sleeps, it’s not really.

Yes it's agreed she needs to be in a routine

But this is how life can be for co-parents

We have all faced these obstacles unfortunately

I don’t think a lie in until noon on every other Sunday is making her tired for 7:30am nursery during the weekdays. I think it’s just a very early start for a 2yr old.

Wouldnt she be even more tired if she were up at 7am on those Sundays?

The exhaustion is more likely the weekday early starts than the once a fortnight late night followed by lie in.

I mentioned further up thread that the reason for her routine is because of nursery.

I also didn't mention that on the weekends she doesn't sleepover, he has her for the day and brings her back home really late which also affects her sleep.

This is absolute 💩 madness!

I'm sorry that you're getting bashed! Parenting styles do vary! But allowing your toddler to miss two meals is neglect!

He's clearly too lazy to make the effort to follow your bedtime routine and schedule full stop!

You need some harsh words with him.... I think stopping contact before trying to sort it is a little harsh.... but it can't continue.... she'll be at play school soon... what's his plan? The afternoon session 🤦‍♀️😟

I saw and responded.

Unfortunately this is just something you're going to have to come to terms with as a separated parent.

You can't make him stick to your routine or tell him what he can and can't do during his time with her - just like he can't tell you what to do while you're caring for her either.

I wouldn't be happy about his "parenting" but tbh there's not a lot you can do other than ask him to keep her to your routine. In my experience though, the more he sees it annoys you, the more he'll do it!

As the routine and access changes over time, try f to make him responsible for the consequences of this. Example: you keep her up late, you still have to get her to school.

My eldest daughter as a toddler went to sleep by 5.30 in the evening and If I didn't wake her to go to school she would sleep until lunch time. She loved her sleep and her bed. As a 40 year old woman she still does.
Not all kids are the same . Perhaps not having a nap or a later bed time with dad means she is tired. He is entitled to parent differently. my neighbours kids were up all hours had absolutely no routine at all, it was their way of parenting. No one is right or wrong and maybe mums routine doesn't suit dads lifestyle.

It's all well and good for no routine to suit dad when he's not dealing with nursery runs.

Would he agree to go with you ( not that you should have to do this btw ) to a parenting course? It may help him hearing the benefits of how you Parent from someone in a professional position?

It is all well and good? If there were nursery on his weekends, he’d have a routine. There is no reason to have a routine when it isn’t a nursery day.

I get up at 4:30am and am in bed by 9pm on a work day…I’m sure as hell not going to follow this routine on the weekend. My exhaustion isn’t from not following this routine 7 days a week, it’s from the fact i have an early start on most days.

Well, what do you propose?

You can't make him have a routine.