To think this is neglectful parenting?

[MissB77778]

My 2 year old sleeps at her dad's house every other weekend. She has absolutely no routine there, is allowed to stay up until whatever time she wants and often misses nap times. Her mealtimes are also all over the place. I know this because my ex has told me that he struggles to stick to the routine I have in place for her when she's with me, as he "cannot force her to sleep when she doesn't want to"

When my ex dropped DD off last night, I asked him about how her day was. He then proceeded to proudly tell me he let her "sleep in until 12pm" and she didn't have a bath until 1pm. Meaning that by the time my child got ready for the day she had been in the same nappy since the evening before and had already missed breakfast and lunchtime.

I do not want my DD to go back there because I believe he is being a neglectful parent. I need some outside opinions as I've thought about it too much and am now questioning if this is a dramatic response.

It wouldn’t meet the threshold for neglect I don’t think. It would drive me absolutely up the walls though, at the end of the day your child is suffering for it - you have my sympathy.

Your not going to be able to withhold access for this. Your going to have to go another way.

What is the mother like? Could you enlist her support? What would happen if you spoke to him completely unemotionally and with no blame, focussing on the impact of this lack of routine on your child?

It's not ideal at all, its poor parenting in my eyes. However, I would worry that if you stopped contact and he went to court he would get even more time with her (up to 50%) and the communication between you may break down further. I'm sorry to say I don't think the courts will care about what time he puts her to bed or what time he feeds her, they will say contact with her father is more important (court is not an easy option at all).
I would probably keep things the way they are a keep reminding him what she needs.

Your final sentence is a nasty thing to say.

I think you got an uphill battle ahead. Co parenting is great when you’re both on the same page. She is with you majority so hopefully your routine prevails.

maybe try again approaching your ex about you needing his support with your daughters routine?

I had it the opposite rules and routine In my house (step kids) feral at mums no bed times, no eating with knives and forks, no regular wash routine. Then they’d bitch like fuck when they’d come have a bed time, have to eat with manners and correctly and be forced to wash as they wouldn’t without being forced 🙄

it’s frustrating as fuck when someone doesn’t agree with you re what’s the right way. I never passed comment on her “relaxed” parenting style but when my rules were questioned safe to say I told her to worry about her own house and keep her snout out of mine. Unless you have a worry for their safety butt out!

For goodness sake it’s absolutely not neglect and disrespectful to children who actually are being neglected to suggest that it is. In Spain it is very normal for children to have a late nap, go out for meals at 9pm and stay up very late. Different cultures, different parenting. Not one right or wrong. Would be slightly different if she was at school and sleeping in for school or tired during the day but she’s two, is she was tired she would have fell asleep. As long as she’s not being kept up against her will and isn’t hungry it’s not neglect.

How long did she go without food?

If it was a day to day occurrence, then yes it could be classed as a form of neglect. Inconsistent parenting is a term sometimes used. This formed part of why my adopted DS ended up in care. If it happens on a regular basis it is not good for the child, they need boundaries and consistency. It caused my DS extreme anxiety as he didn't know what to expect on a day to day basis.

As long as the time spent with you is better organised then you child should be fine. If you can get hold of any leaflets on child development and why consistency is good, and pass them on to the other parent, they may see why it's helpful and try to keep to a routine.

The most likely occurrence is she didn’t sleep until 12 - he did.

Its slack and rubbish and would make me wonder about all the other corners he’s cutting.

This is my worry. When she's with me she doesn't wake up later than 8am so I think what likely happened is she was awake for ages and he didn't get up until 12

Keep a close eye. Is she well looked after in other respects, as far as you can tell ie does she return home clean, not always hungry, cheerful?

It's shit parenting but it's not neglectful.

Is she safe, warm, clean, fed and loved?

I am not meaning to be "disrespectful" to children being neglected, I'm just a mother concerned about my young child. My
ex has only been having her since November after several periods of absences and since she's been staying at his, I've had a lot of issues with her not wanting to go to bed and then being completely exhausted in the morning

If he lives with his parents do they help with her? Just wondering if they would’ve heard her awake if it was him who slept in late

It's just his mom he lives with and she works on a Sunday so she wouldn't have been there

What's your relationship with his mum like? Could you talk to her about your concerns and that you think he's struggling, could she be a source of support?

Did she even sleep until 12, no nappy rash I would think he's trying to brag that he's better at getting DD to sleep through.

I would be horrified, and would not allow him to have her overnight.

She didn't miss two meals

She had lunch a little late and didn't have breakfast

It's a weekend and lots of people change their routine at the weekend, sleeping in, eating differently, staying up late

7:30am is a very early start for a 2 year old and is probably why she's tired.

You'd have to somehow, explain your reasoning to a judge when it went to court

Good luck with that!

I can accept people change their routines on the weekends but there are one of two things that happened here:

1. DD went to bed so late that she was so exhausted she slept in until 12pm and missed breakfast and didn't have lunch until hours after her usual time

1. DD didn't actually sleep in until 12pm and was awake for ages (potentially starving) waiting for her dad to wake up

Both of these are totally unacceptable in my opinion, and quite frankly shit parenting.

Does he have any major red flags? Would he be drinking/take drugs? Any reason he wouldn’t wake up to her?

Sounds tough for you. I would feel upset too. I’d be worried the little one had woken up and been ignored for ages and consequently under stimulated (or over stimulated with a screen) which is neglectful in my opinion. Sorry you have had some rude comments about this. You don’t deserve that.

Could you calmly ask him about his routine with her in a non judgmental way to help put your mind at rest? He’s probably doing more good than you think. If she is happy to visit that will speak volumes. You sound like a good mum btw.

Blimey he sounds super irritating. Can you print out an hourly schedule and provide bagged lunches/breakfasts etc. I’d insist that an approximate schedule was kept to and think a bath is the best way to end a day for a little one. How’s he going to manage school runs when the time comes?

Because it's obviously affecting the child following Monday and it's mum who has to manage this. I get that there's nothing that the OP can do but it is shit parenting.

Thank you so much! Your message actually made me emotional! (I'm an emotional wreck for various reasons atm 😂) I do feel I have received some quite harsh responses when really all I'm doing is being concerned for my first and only child. I'm still learning/trying to navigate motherhood while trying to coparent with an abusive ex!

Thank you for your advice, I will definitely try this.