To think this is neglectful parenting?

[MissB77778]

My 2 year old sleeps at her dad's house every other weekend. She has absolutely no routine there, is allowed to stay up until whatever time she wants and often misses nap times. Her mealtimes are also all over the place. I know this because my ex has told me that he struggles to stick to the routine I have in place for her when she's with me, as he "cannot force her to sleep when she doesn't want to"

When my ex dropped DD off last night, I asked him about how her day was. He then proceeded to proudly tell me he let her "sleep in until 12pm" and she didn't have a bath until 1pm. Meaning that by the time my child got ready for the day she had been in the same nappy since the evening before and had already missed breakfast and lunchtime.

I do not want my DD to go back there because I believe he is being a neglectful parent. I need some outside opinions as I've thought about it too much and am now questioning if this is a dramatic response.

Mine would.
If we had a family event we'd let him have a long nap in the afternoon then he'd stay up late and he'd sleep in late. As long as we didn't let him nap the next day he'd be in bed at normal time again that night. Some kids are able to be more flexible about sleep then others.

He'll soon learn to put her to bed earlier when she's overtired and seriously grumpy the next day like my 6yo DS is 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you! Thought I was going crazy after reading all these responses

I wouldn't necessarily expect him to follow your exact routine but I'd expect him to follow a reasonably age appropriate routine regarding sleep and meals. There's worse examples of neglect but this is still piss poor.

It is indeed lazy parenting but you can't withhold him having her for this.

, if she slept that late, what time did she go to bed?

If he was abusive to you maybe he’s lying to try and get a reaction? I’d just smile and a “that’s nice”. Obviously if she’s in pain from nappy rash or anything then you may have to rethink that approach.

I could not believe what I was reading either! Apparently there are people who genuinely believe by your Ex DP’s standards that you only need to change your baby twice a day. I’m sure mothers everywhere will be delighted at the money they will save on nappies and wipes. 🤦🏻‍♀️ Morons everywhere sadly. It’s a good thing your DD has you as the resident parent. Poor child would be in all sorts of trouble if anything happened to you and he had to be in he main carer. Genuinely, best of luck to you OP. I hope you can get things sorted.

It's not him dealing with that fallout though, it's OP 😢

It might be lazy parenting or it might just be different.
Mine was flexible and wasn't a pain in the evenings so he often stayed up. We enjoyed the time with him, he was good company. Got many "oh I'd hate to lose my grown up evenings" comments from friends who wanted kids packed off to bed so they could sip wine and watch netflix and thought being up at 5 was a fair trade for that. Different things work for different people.

it used to bother me when my girls went to their dads and he lacked any structure and routine.. i was so stressed, annoyed and angry but then someone said to me 'pick your battles'.

his parenting style was different to mine, it was while we together so i dont know why it surprised me when we were separated.

as long as they came back to me on time and happy, the rest was not important.

they have turned out to be perfectly normal adults, and i became less stressed.

I'm longing to see the thread where a woman is excused for such poor parenting - but of course we all know it's so much harder to be responsible when you have a penis

If OP had posed the question "AIBU to think this is shit parenting and not in DD's best interests" she'd be getting different replies. Neglect is worse than a messy nap and meal schedule.

Meaning that by the time my child got ready for the day she had been in the same nappy since the evening before and had already missed breakfast and lunchtime

Did you say this to him? If so, what was his response?

You really don't know how many nappy changes she may have had though

It is lazy but as you know, it's not illegal to be a lazy parent as long as you're meeting your childs' needs.

@fieldsofbutterflies well he's not meeting her needs is he if by the time she woke up she had missed breakfast and lunchtime and had been in a nappy for over 12 hours

It feels like a difference in either ability or desire to keep to meal and bedtime routines. I do not think it's anywhere near the threshold for neglect tbh. It's not great parenting from his side, but unless the child is coming back filthy, with nappy rash, starving, being left alone etc then I think you'll just need to discuss it amongst yourselves.

What proof do you have that her nappy wasn't changed?

And she didn't miss breakfast and lunch if she woke up at midday

I think it’s just different parenting. Lots of parents don’t have a routine and having one or not having one has no bearing on neglect.

Presumably she woke up late because she went to bed late? In that case, perhaps she had her nappy put on late as well so it was on for the same amount of time as normal.

Unfortunately this is likely to be just one example of many you will have over the years where you have a totally different parenting style.

hE's fInDiNg hIs fEeT

Fucking hell

The bar for men is so low it's a tavern in hades

Very dramatic! She's 2, she needs a bit of flexibility, leave them to it and stop being so judgemental.

@fieldsofbutterflies

I know her nappy wasn't changed because he admitted it when I had a conversation with him about it. Not sure why you're asking me how has she missed breakfast/lunch - she woke up at 12pm so obviously breakfast was missed. She then didn't eat until after she went in the bath which was some time after 1pm. She usually has lunch at 12

I can't believe the amount of people that think this is ok.

I'd forget all the other stuff and just focus on the sleeping. I'd try approach it really gently. Only because I don't see any other way round it!

Explain very very nicely and gently ( because we sometimes have no effing choice but to do it this way) that she's really difficult after she's been there and it's the sleeping. Is there anything she has with you she can take to help sleep. And explain that if he just reads this book or sits there for a bit whilst she falls asleep it will work.

Some blokes will just do the opposite if they're particularly immature or feel like they're being told off. I suspect he may be one of them hence gently gently approach