Dm took all the food for my kids!

[Littlechesnuttree]

Newly single mum here hi!

dm visited this weekend to ‘help’ largely consisted of me running errands for her and bringing cups of tea.

here’s the thing, she brought her dog who she only feeds meat (she won’t listen) so steak, chicken, mince etc.

i went to the butcher on the weekend and bought our meat for the month, steaks, whole chickens, lamb leg, chicken breast, meat and even duck breast.

all in all £80 or more likely. Had them in fridge before I could sort and put in freezer.

i had a kids bday party so was getting kids ready whilst dm was packing up.

go to the fridge this morning and it’s all gone… all the meat.

she thought I bought it for her dog. So now not only got to do a freezer tea for the kids but ive got to rebuy it all.

dm didn’t offer to replace and lives too far away to return.

aibu to think this is barmy behaviour? You check before you clean out someone’s fridge

He may well decide to come back, who knows?!

but what would a solicitor do?

he’s said he’ll continue to split the kids childcare and give me £500 a month and I can keep the house. Obviously when he was living here he paid more, but would I not be worse off going through child maintenance

Does that mean he will sign over his share of the house to you?
If so it would wise to get that sorted.
Don't depend of him to stick by he has said.
Formalise it.

Don’t know he since blocked me or turned his phone off.

I’ve just had a text he’s back and what he’s planning to do.

i will, I just need to find the time

Bloody hell! Why would she even think it was for her dog???!!!! I can't believe she hasn't done an immediate bank transfer of the money. I would be raging. Just what you don't need on top of everything else. So sorry that you are going through so much. You didn't need this on top of everything else. x

What would a solicitor do?

Well put things on a legal footing for a start, so you know where you and the kids stand legally. He would also be compelled, legally, to be involved in care thereby giving you some very needed respite. Even it turns out that he farms the kids off to his relatives during his time with them, he would have to be involved. At the moment, he's washed his hands of the whole situation and he isn't mature enough to be their father. Sperm donor, for sure, but a fully fledged parent - far from it.

Sending you continued strength.

The dogs eaten well then

Then you genuinely have no idea how privileged you have been with your upbringing.

My friend, getting divorced, pushed the financial separation process and consent order through in record time - best to do it while stbxh was still feeling a bit guilty, she reckoned. So what a divorce solicitor will do for you is make sure you get your assets protected. It's really important because if you don't look after you first you won't be able to to look after your kids next.

@Littlechesnuttree hope you are doing ok. Don’t blame you for going n/c with DM and don’t get me started on your ex DP. Don’t let him back in your life, I think you’re amazing. Hope your new boss is at least understanding. Are they someone you can confide in without it being you asking for help but so they know you have a lot going on? If I have a probationer I let them know how they are doing at least weekly so it should never be a shock if there’s a problem which hopefully can be solved. Keep going, you’ve got this!

@Ohnobackagain no where sadly has the op said she’s going no contact”

Op, just want to say that you will be fine or even much better on your own. You may not know many people there at this time but you will through your kids very soon.

Eventually you will find other women raising kids apart, you will meet them at the school doors, the park or at afterschool activities. They will be your tribe and will support you through this wether you need a chat over a cup of tea or baby sitting.

I have found that dealing with a shit husband and a selfish mother makes EVERYTHING more difficult than being a single parent. A couple if weeks after my exh moved out, I found myself sitting on the sofa on a week night, with DS asleep on his room, the house clean and tidy, the fridge full of cooked at home meals and nothing else to do. That was the point that I realised that was was exhausting about having a kid was not the kid itself, but all the nagging I had to do to get my husband to help, the frustration because he didn’t and all the mess and extra work he created. Once he was gone, parenting was an absolute breeze.

@keeptryinggirl no, realised just after posting I’d made it sound that way when it was more that OP hasn’t replied to her DM’s latest message but it won’t let me edit it for some reason, hopefully @Littlechesnuttree knows we’re rooting for her anyway, whatever she decides to do.

Think you're being too easy on your mum. My kids would come before my mum anyway and she would be banned for a year stepping foot in my house and I'd have made it crystall clear that you won't be feeding her dog in future. Using an excuse that she was helping out is just weird my mum wouldn't dare utter these words to me our about her grandkids.

she text since, about being unwell but I’ve not replied so in essence that (above) was our last conversation.

if she shared all that meat with the dog like you say, she’s probably got food poisoning, sticking whole chickens in the car for two hours on a warm day is asking for trouble.

oh well…

Message her with details of how to pay you back what she owes. Unless her dog is bigger than a horse, she's taken most of the meat home. Even if, arguably, you she was justified in thinking that should provide dog food while she is staying to help you, there's no way you need to buy extra to send back with her - that's insane.

Your mum is messaging saying she's unwell because she knows you're pissed off and is trying to do what she can to make it all 'forgotten' rather than make things right by sending money and apology. She may well escalate when you continue to ignore her.

Your ex is a twat.

She said she’d buy the next load of meat from the butcher when she’s up next 3/4 weeks time.

Please tell us you’re not letting her visit again, Op?

Definitely saying she is unwell to move the conversation on.
Continue to ignore her.
Awful shameful woman.
Be sure to tell family/friends if they ask.
Taking food from the mouths of her grandchildren for her dog.
Utterly shameful.

So he's said he’ll continue to split the kid's childcare and give you £500 a month and you can keep the house. Men always say they'll be generous immediately after the split. It never lasts. I don't think he will just walk away from his share of the house. If he were my client I'd strongly advise him against it. Is there a mortgage and who is paying it right now? Do you either of you have superannuation worth going after?

We’re both on the mortgage, I just put all all the deposit, hence why he said I could have it.

i don’t know what you mean by the last part, we have pensions but we’re 30+ years from state retirement age

I think either way OP, worth getting legal advice. problem is that if he decides he doesn't want to pay, there is nothing much you can do in this situation.

also you could pay the mortgage for the next however many years and once you pay it off - having paid the majority of the house value via both mortgage and deposit - he can file for divorce and get 50/50! avoid future problems and get things in black and white.

he is a selfish ass, he will think nothing of putting you and the children on the street.

@Littlechesnuttree

OP, something it's worth taking into account is how difficult things could become in the long run if you don't clarify everything now.

I haven't seen you mention any other women, but, when one does appear, he might start talking about changing when he sees the children, paying less money etc; that will be such a pain if that starts.

Much better to get everything established now so that he knows how things are going to be.

To be honest, there's likely to be a point when he is taking legal advice himself, so don't leave yourself in a vulnerable position.

This is why you need to see a solicitor.

If his pension is higher, it is a good bargaining chip for the house.

Plus the parent with the child always ends up worse off, you may be able to claim some of his pension which will help you when you are at retirement age.

Please do get legal advice - the bastard is absolutely capable of shafting you. You need to protect yourself and your children. Contact a good family solicitor tomorrow - make it a priority. It's really important that you do x

This.
Do not trust him at all. Please.