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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dm took all the food for my kids!

637 replies

Littlechesnuttree · 17/06/2024 17:17

Newly single mum here hi!

dm visited this weekend to ‘help’ largely consisted of me running errands for her and bringing cups of tea.

here’s the thing, she brought her dog who she only feeds meat (she won’t listen) so steak, chicken, mince etc.

i went to the butcher on the weekend and bought our meat for the month, steaks, whole chickens, lamb leg, chicken breast, meat and even duck breast.

all in all £80 or more likely. Had them in fridge before I could sort and put in freezer.

i had a kids bday party so was getting kids ready whilst dm was packing up.

go to the fridge this morning and it’s all gone… all the meat.

she thought I bought it for her dog. So now not only got to do a freezer tea for the kids but ive got to rebuy it all.

dm didn’t offer to replace and lives too far away to return.

aibu to think this is barmy behaviour? You check before you clean out someone’s fridge

OP posts:
IgnoranceNotOk · 21/06/2024 17:37

Tell her not to bother coming next time and that you can’t afford for her to come and ‘help out!’

vanimal · 21/06/2024 18:05

You are doing really well OP in just 2 weeks post-separation.

Your mum is totally in the wrong, as PP have said maybe go with simpler meals to get through this week but definitely have read around narcisstic parents and try to create some distance between you too - although it might mean less "help" from your mum it might help your mental well-being.

You sound strong and you are doing amazingly well xx

Original poster
Littlechesnuttree · 21/06/2024 18:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Is it really? Acknowledging that a person has flaws but accepting their help when they offered it, is it really that odd when you’re desperate or are you just enjoying putting the boot in ?

( no need to answer, I already know)

OP posts:
FastFaster · 21/06/2024 18:12

She took advantage of you, at a low point in your life - thats not a good person on any level.

Do you have any other support available to you? Surestart or mum clubs you could turn too for support, not just on this specific issue but generally.

It's very kind of you to have the compassion and empathy you do for her (and which she clearly isn't capable of for you). It doesn't excuse what she did, which to be clear is theft from her daughter and grandchildren, and emotionally manipulate you.

It's something I dealt with in my own life and also when working in mental health; the families of my clients were often very opportunistic. I had to untake an uncomfortable phone call to a clients relative regarding some missing Christmas treats, which were 'mistakenly' taken out of my clients room. It wasn't great and there was a lot of bluster about how the relative was working / too busy / busy with children / had done so much for the client, but ultimately they were returned and it did shift the balance of power too.

From experience I suspect the promise of future shopping (for meat) will somehow not come to fruition, and if it does it will be minimally beneficially to you, so write this off now. Its just another tactic to keep you dangling in her game.

I do hope you find it in you to stand up to her on this occasion - you might find that it pays off long term with a greater level of respect for you and insist that you need that money / those items to be returned to you. Remember trauma does not entitle anyone to behave badly and there is a limit on being a 'victim' in every situation.

Either way, please be kind to yourself; you're doing your best.

evencloser · 21/06/2024 18:15

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FastFaster · 21/06/2024 18:16

This is how narcissistic people work IME.

They promise something, don't deliver, lie & manipulate to make you believe that you are unreasonably expecting them to do what they said they'd do.

I expect OP hoped for a bit of assistance in a time of need - a few hours to do some child free tasks etc and her mother basically used her.

evencloser · 21/06/2024 18:17

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Welshmonster · 21/06/2024 18:29

She should have checked which was hers. Tell her she has literally stolen food from her grandkids mouths. Transfer the money even if it is in installments. Never buy anything again while she is there

Wittyname10 · 21/06/2024 18:39

Hi OP, you’re doing really well and can be proud of yourself for that.

Have a look at meatsupermarket.co.uk, they home deliver and usually have offers on things like chicken/steak etc.

From memory I think if you pay a bit extra you can specify delivery.

azlazee1 · 21/06/2024 18:46

I can't imagine anyone doing that. I would cut back on contact with her, and would not invite her to my house again.

forgotmyusername1 · 21/06/2024 18:52

Next time you visit nick stuff from her jewelry box. I mean its a free for all isn't it?

Ivymom · 21/06/2024 18:53

I’ve skimmed through the replies, so this may have already been suggested, but read up on Harpy’s child. I believe there is a blog or essay.

Your mother sounds narcissistic. Having a narcissist parent sets you up as prey to other narcissists, especially romantic partners. I know you are currently in survival mode, but I still encourage you to seek therapy for yourself and your children.

FastFaster · 21/06/2024 18:54

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

My word.

That must be horrific for you OP, dealing with that must have really messed with your sense of what is normal. I really hope you have support or that you seek it out, because dealing with that type of thing is bound to be hard.

SlightlyJaded · 21/06/2024 19:13

OP

As a stop gap, ask your mother to arrange a supermarket delivery. It won't be the same as a Butcher haul, but a chicken and a few other things you can make dinner with.

Hayliebells · 21/06/2024 19:18

Bloody hell OP, she just doesn't really sound very nice. I'd be using this as an opportunity to reset the relationship. You say she's coming up in 3/4 weeks, but do you want her to? Is she actually helping when she comes to stay, do you actually need her? From what you've posted, I can just imagine her doing something equally infuriating next time she's there, not actually helping, and her presence just adding to your stress rather than easing it. You don't need that, not when things are so difficult. Why not put off the visit for a while, and if you get a guilt trip as a result, put up even more boundaries. You don't need her making your life harder than it is already. I think the comment about the petrol would be the nail in the coffin for me, and it would be very light contact going forward. Relatives aren't entitled to a relationship, just because, when they behave so badly, even mothers.

LazyGewl · 21/06/2024 19:23

Your mother did that to you!?!! Wtf is wrong with some people. What a selfish cow (sorry, op. I am in a very bad mood).

LazyGewl · 21/06/2024 19:26

Sorry, but I have to post again because I can’t get my head around this: your mum actually took meat from her grandchildren to feed to her dog?????

I let my mum get away with murder but I don’t think I could talk to someone who did this to my kids. At least not for a while.

ThreeplusI · 21/06/2024 19:38

How was she planning to feed the dog this month without your very generous Donation?

Marleyandme71 · 21/06/2024 19:48

Littlechesnuttree · 17/06/2024 17:17

Newly single mum here hi!

dm visited this weekend to ‘help’ largely consisted of me running errands for her and bringing cups of tea.

here’s the thing, she brought her dog who she only feeds meat (she won’t listen) so steak, chicken, mince etc.

i went to the butcher on the weekend and bought our meat for the month, steaks, whole chickens, lamb leg, chicken breast, meat and even duck breast.

all in all £80 or more likely. Had them in fridge before I could sort and put in freezer.

i had a kids bday party so was getting kids ready whilst dm was packing up.

go to the fridge this morning and it’s all gone… all the meat.

she thought I bought it for her dog. So now not only got to do a freezer tea for the kids but ive got to rebuy it all.

dm didn’t offer to replace and lives too far away to return.

aibu to think this is barmy behaviour? You check before you clean out someone’s fridge

Only answer here from now on is go vegetarian. You won't have this argument again. So its winner winner no chicken dinner 😂

mumedu · 21/06/2024 20:10

Sack her.

Runnerinthenight · 21/06/2024 20:17

Littlechesnuttree · 21/06/2024 18:08

Is it really? Acknowledging that a person has flaws but accepting their help when they offered it, is it really that odd when you’re desperate or are you just enjoying putting the boot in ?

( no need to answer, I already know)

Show quote history

Pay no heed to the cruel and spiteful, and please know that they're in a small minority.

Your mother has been utterly hateful in the circumstances you've found yourself, and quite the reverse of supportive. She's actually just causing you more stress and not helping at all. I'd take a step back. Would still send her a message asking for the money for the meat, and giving her your bank details. I couldn't remotely imagine treating a child of mine the way she has you. Let her and her stinky dog stay put. She's no help, in fact, she's a hindrance.

I think you sound like you're doing more than well after just a couple of weeks. Best of luck with your probation. Have you mentioned to your manager what's happened and what you're dealing with in your personal life?

evencloser · 21/06/2024 20:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Marleyandme71 · 21/06/2024 20:21

Runnerinthenight · 21/06/2024 20:17

Pay no heed to the cruel and spiteful, and please know that they're in a small minority.

Your mother has been utterly hateful in the circumstances you've found yourself, and quite the reverse of supportive. She's actually just causing you more stress and not helping at all. I'd take a step back. Would still send her a message asking for the money for the meat, and giving her your bank details. I couldn't remotely imagine treating a child of mine the way she has you. Let her and her stinky dog stay put. She's no help, in fact, she's a hindrance.

I think you sound like you're doing more than well after just a couple of weeks. Best of luck with your probation. Have you mentioned to your manager what's happened and what you're dealing with in your personal life?

Show quote history

Its not the dogs fault. Spiteful calling him stinky. Its the mothers fault not the "stinky dog".

yaddayaddayah · 21/06/2024 20:55

Your mum sounds horrific. I’d remove contact.

Wishbone436 · 21/06/2024 21:02

She should be paying you back immediately for her assumption, but that won’t happen & understandably, you don’t have the bandwidth to argue with that. You are dealing with a lot already, so a few beige teas is not the end of the world. As long as your children are fed, clean and loved, be kind to yourself. This was out of your control & is something you can’t fix. I wonder though, with the comments around your mum, whether you have someone else that you can call on for support if you need it? Someone who maybe won’t just add to an already stressful situation for you?