Dm took all the food for my kids!

[Littlechesnuttree]

Newly single mum here hi!

dm visited this weekend to ‘help’ largely consisted of me running errands for her and bringing cups of tea.

here’s the thing, she brought her dog who she only feeds meat (she won’t listen) so steak, chicken, mince etc.

i went to the butcher on the weekend and bought our meat for the month, steaks, whole chickens, lamb leg, chicken breast, meat and even duck breast.

all in all £80 or more likely. Had them in fridge before I could sort and put in freezer.

i had a kids bday party so was getting kids ready whilst dm was packing up.

go to the fridge this morning and it’s all gone… all the meat.

she thought I bought it for her dog. So now not only got to do a freezer tea for the kids but ive got to rebuy it all.

dm didn’t offer to replace and lives too far away to return.

aibu to think this is barmy behaviour? You check before you clean out someone’s fridge

Sadly no, we moved to the area about 18 months ago and friends were DH’s friends, who are clearly not mine anymore

are you planning on having her over again OP?

No, meat mishaps aside it’s actually just another person to look after

You aren’t being at all unreasonable. I’m shocked at this. It’d be hilarious if it wasn’t so horrible. Your mother sounds utterly selfish and manipulative. If she regularly buys expensive meat for her dog, then she’s clearly financially comfortable. So, why would she expect you to cover her petrol to visit you and spend time with her grandchildren, when you all must be struggling if their dad has just left and a loving mother/grandma would want to be there for you all? Her behaviour when challenged is just as bad as taking food without asking: no humility or concern for you - and manipulative (getting upset). I can appreciate you’re trying to hold everything together while working full time. But I strongly advise seeking counselling (which your employer should allow you to take as a medical appointment). It’s perfectly reasonable to need it to adjust to a break up and becoming a lone parent. It may also be helpful to process your mother’s behaviour/impact on you if this is typical behaviour from her. You don’t mention the reason for your breakup or your relationship with your ex, but is it possible having a mother like this played a role in your couple relationship? Is your ex taking any responsibility for his children (spending time with them, feeding them etc)?

@Littlechesnuttree

It seems an odd thing to do, to take so many items, leaving nothing. If there were any confusion, surely most people would call out and say 'I've put Rover's meat in my bag, it's the one on the middle shelf, isn't it?', or something like that.

An odd situation, but the way forward is probably to resolve it as quickly as you can, so that you can concentrate on other things.

Could you tell her that you've found a really good solution, that it's a butcher which offers a gift card which allows the recipient to book a delivery of meats?

Quick and simple for her. She just buys you the gift card - you then place an online order for the meats you need when you have a quiet moment over the weekend.

https://www.hgwalter.com/collections/hg-walter-gift-cards

@Littlechesnuttree

You have spoken to a solicitor about your husband vanishing into the blue yonder haven't you, OP? Please speak to one on Monday, if you haven't already.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

@TheSquareMile did you read all of OPs post? This unfortunately isn’t a reasonable woman who made a silly mistake and can’t figure out how to pay her daughter back so needs some help figuring out some convenient options .

She is deliberately not reimbursing her and has actually been belligerent and hostile about it when asked . She also generally seems to be a toxic individual with some narcissistic traits and has no respect and little concern for her daughter or her grandkids by the sounds of it.

@Littlechesnuttree I’m glad to hear you don’t intend to have her over again. She is utterly disrespectful and evidently sees you as someone to control and exploit and then emotionally manipulate, so it’s best you keep your distance. I get that you can’t change the past but you can change the future.

Another person to look after who also expects to be paid a babysitting salary on top….

You know, if my DD’s DH left, I would do my best to support her. If I accidentally took her weekly shop, I certainly wouldn’t be telling her that she can consider that “pay” for my support and fuel costs.

So…. No Contact? 🤞

What was your childhood like with her op? any siblings?

You need to ask her for the £80 so you can restock

I think she's a miserable twat of a human being.
I am not sure what will help but felt I needed to chip in.

That’s awful - you can do without this sort of crap hot on the heels of a separation. I think I’d put it down to experience and do your food prep in future when neither her or the dog is around. You’re sensible to keep your distance from her for the time being while you establish a new routine.
I agree with another posters suggestion about getting counselling. Im guessing you have a lot to get off your chest.

He’s not actually vanished he’s back with his mum (in spirit I’m sure he never left)

he wanted to go on a (middle age) lads holiday for 2 weeks which cost 3k no spending money)which was our summer holiday money. I told him that was pathologically selfish, especially as me and the children would then not have a holiday and then the whole new job thing (which I took to relieve financial pressure on him no less, my job paid less than him (maybe 10-15k less) but was much more flexible childcare wise and the workload was easy for me so I was able to cook and clean up as part of my working day and do collections. But he said it was unfair to that he felt a larger burden with CoL, I got another job on par with him (6k less). But the trade off his increased work load and office hours, meaning the slack he’d have to pick up. All in all too much for him which is why he ‘needed a holiday’. So he never came back

sorry meant to say, he went on the holiday and never came back

^ it was initially a holiday to see family, but also the boys were going there. Basically all bullshit

Ok, I understand you now as my mum is like this. You need to go low contact with her, Christmas and birthdays and that’s it. I know it’ll be hard as you’re also newly single but now is the time to establish the new routine that doesn’t include her in it. You’re at your most vulnerable right now which also means you’re in the best place for her to take advantage of you as it’s harder to think clearly. Good luck.

Urgh, it’s so annoying but, as you’ve noted, you can’t exactly send the bailiffs round to collect the money. You’ve told your mum how you feel and she’ll either feel a bit guilty once she’s had a chance to think about it (and hopefully make it right by going to the butcher’s as she’s promised) OR she’s just a bit selfish and you’ll never make her see your way. Either way, further arguments are going to do nothing except upset you further, so my advice would be:

(1) ‘make do’ for this week and head to the butcher at the weekend to re-stock.
(2) when you know your mum is coming in the future, buy only what you don’t mind ‘paying’ as a fee for her babysitting. I know that, ideally, a perfect DM would not want or ask for anything in return but that’s clearly not the mum you’ve got so I’d advise that you accept the one you’ve got and work around it. No one is perfect and she least she’s willing to babysit occasionally, even if she expects some sort of payment!

Hope you feel better soon, OP. It’s a really stressful time for you so just take each day at a time and know that things will probably look a lot brighter in a few months. Heck, you may even be able to laugh about the ‘dog meat’ incident in a few years (although, admittedly, probably not WITH your mum)!

Your DM is a thieving CF.

@Littlechesnuttree

Is your husband intending to stay with his Mum from now on and not return to the family home to live with you, OP?

God help you OP.
A unconscionable mother and utter scum for an ex.
You need to buckle down and think only of yourself and your children.
Delighted to read you have not replied to your mother.
He'll would freeze over before she czme to visit again.
Have you thought of moving closer to any other support you have...even in the future?

If he’ll with my mummy forever I don’t know, but he’s not coming back here, he wants the freedom to go on holiday whenever he wants and not be tied down. The domestic stuff was also too much. He wants to relax after work not have to make dinner. The amount he does around the house should be proportional to the income earned apparently

But I have no other support so here is a good a place as any, plus save myself the associates costs of moving and affordability on my sole income

If he's not coming back, you really need to speak to a solicitor.

You can't let him carry on like this.

I feel for you, you're having a really tough time of things at the moment.