My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

I have a weight-obsessed fatist MIL who has a ridiculous attitude towards food. She never fed her children properly and they all had issues around a tiny food repertoire for years. Sadly she is now known by all of her grandchildren as the Nan who doesn’t feed us very well, unbeknown to her. They come back from the very occasional visit and grumble about being hungry. Food is love in our house but is used to control and limit in theirs. Even the dog looks fed up at meal
times.

She eats lots of cakes and scones but rarely will she have a proper meal. By 4pm she’s yawning her head off due to lack of energy. I mean my MIL not the dog…

And funnily enough that’s just the tip of the iceberg in terms of her other unpleasant traits. 😏

Yes, it would be fair and reasonable to point out that I wasn't the mentally ill person if someone with an eating disorder or other mental illness was deliberately trying to spoil my meal or otherwise undermine me with snide comments criticising me for not behaving the same way as they do.

People only get annoyed by the kind of behaviour exhibited by SIL if they have some kind of issue around food themselves. Everybody else just ignores it.

That’s crap obviously, but even if it was true, OP having “some kind of issue around food “ is not permission for SIL to be a horror. A decent person with any self awareness wouldn’t do it, nor would they defend it.

Actually I've just thought about something else my DM says. They have always been very critical- DF especially- of anyone who is overweight, and having quite broad shoulders I have always been a bit of a disappointment to them.

But now poor DM has serious osteoporosis so when I visit if I've put on a few pounds "Well it's good that you're not too thin, means you won't get osteoporosis." I know she means well, but why can't they just not say a bloody thing about what I weigh or what I am wearing.

Ah but OP says she is thin and on MN if you are a 10 or under then you must have an eating disorder and live off of lettuce leaves.

My mother is like that!!! She always says she "only wants half a portion" or "kids portion" and then proceeds to eat 3 of those....
Will NEVER admit to being hungry when asked....and when I say I will make food as I'm hungry she will be giving me judgmental looks as if being hungry is a crime..

Also had a lifetime of being told I'm too big- even though I was never overweight..BMI of 20 and she was saying "well, you could be slimer"

I find her really annoying to eat with as well.
I know she has issues with herself that she projects on me and my sister. She is very slim (always was) but she also wants to lose more weight. Her wanting to lose a few pounds has been a theme throughout the years.

The thing is you don't have to have a full blown, textbook ED to be experiencing disordered eating. Disordered eating is not good, and will be affecting the lives of those experiencing it, and those around them. And by the sounds of it there's an awful lot of people out there with disordered habits. Which isn't fun for anyone

Yeah but if you do not have a mental health issue like them you can walk away or turn a deaf ear to it. They are not able to control a mental health disorder. When it comes to mental health there is no point in fighting fire with fire.

Got my tin hat on for this one, but I always wonder about the fasting diet which is incredibly popular but not a million miles from some of the disordered eating described on this thread. I can’t imagine eating just 800 cals a day or whatever (I never count calories) even for just a couple of days a week.

Has it ever occurred to people that those who say they have a tiny appetite might be telling the truth? When they say they wonder how the rest of us can put away a whole potato they might be genuinely flummoxed. I once heard a man with anorexia say that something switched in his head and he was just unable to eat. He just couldn’t do it and the longer it went on the worse it got. Many people who say these things may not be competing with us at all but because we are sensitive about our weight (I actually am not anymore) we take offence.

@LazyGewl it may well genuinely be about the size of their appetite - I think it mostly is in my friend's case - but regardless it's a tedious topic of conversation and appears judgemental.

Doesn't explain why they feel the need to bring it up, though. Or why they think they're entitled to remark on the eating habits of others. They can be as bemused as they like in their heads.

If someone really has a small appetite then that is fine. It’s weird and rude to eat with others and comment on their eating - “God, I just have no appetite these days! I don’t know how I’ll eat any of this! I can’t understand how you can tolerate so many rich foods!”. It’s the way to spoil it for everyone and, if it is a nice restaurant and you are the one paying, infuriating.

I remember a friend telling a work colleague that chuntering on about what other people eat / weigh was very aging. Young people don’t do this - they are too polite.

What do you want OP?

Venting is fine, and teaming up in solidarity with people who endure similar and also get would up.

Or do you want to put a stop to it? In which case look at some of the posts that advocate a direct way of telling her you don’t want to hear it any more. Which you can do calmly and politely, but firmly.

If you want to put a stop to it (hearing it, anyway, obviously you can’t manage what goes on in her own mind and other circles) do not engage in any of the ‘witty’ but passive aggressive suggestions on this thread, retaliatory p/a just ramps up the drama. Good for fantasy conversation and venting, though. But dropping the drama also means stopping thinking up insults about her (Lady Chimpanzee) . Not getting dragged down means stopping the p/a from both directions.

Given that she has a Dd, I personally would go for being straight with her and telling her you don’t want to hear it. Don’t criticise her, just say talk of body size, weight and food is not a conversation you want to hear or engage in.

There are things that are genuinely flummoxing: where the universe ends, that sort of thing. ‘How’ people can eat a whole baked potato or the amount of food reported on threads about Christmas Day is not flummoxing because people quite clearly can and do.

Whatever anyone else’s appetite, penchant for rich foods, whole foods, salad or haribo, it is personal, unnecessary and Intrusive to comment on.

Have a mutual discussion / conversation in which people include their own preferences , etc, fine.

Random commenting by one person about another’s choices which is in any way critical or othering or disingenuous questioning: zip it. 🤐

What did she say?

@OptimismvsRealism Whenever she makes one of her digs, say "I know it's amazing, I can just eat & eat & never put a single pound on! Whilst taking another spoonful. That will drive her INSANE

Nobody cares how much they eat. It's the commentary designed to ruin your meal, your self confidence and your body image that's the problem. I don't believe anyone who says they could put up with this sort of crap on a regular basis and never be pissed off about it, especially if they can't even stay zen in an Internet discussion about it.

And if I were actually genuinely flummoxed by how someone could do something as normal, everyday and essential to life as eat a meal - even a whole potato - I don't think I'd admit to it.

I have fortunately never been subjected to this. I have had people comment on what I eat, though. If you eat healthily or don't eat desserts because you're trying to lose weight etc you can get a lot of flack with people urging you to have some. I have had the experience where I have tried to order discretely because I don't want certain things on my plate only to have people draw attention to what I'm eating. I wonder if those people would say that I am one of the food competitors or whatever you call it even though I never comment on what they or anyone else is eating.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

Obviously they should not make unsolicited comments about what you are or are not eating. There have been quite a few stories shared on here and I don't think any of them have been about someone who just chose not to have dessert.

I fast sometimes. It's actually a great way to stop this I-caaaan't-eat-all-that puffery because you win. You're eating nothing at all (as part of a fast) and there's nothing for the twit to compete with, they cannot compete.

I don't talk about fasting, I just do it to suit me and not a chance would I be making anybody feel bad for eating. These twits need to be stamped out.

I bet the anorexic in your post didn't make a running commentary on what everybody else was eating though? There is zero need to keep on about any appetite, small or large.

People who talk, talk, talk are trying to compete. They would like to be naturally slim but they aren't. They have to keep a very tight hold indeed to maintain themselves (even if they are larger) and need to lash out about that to people who don't keep to the same stricture and enjoy their food.

They don't need pandering to, they need ignoring. I won't eat with people who do this, it's stultifying and normal rules of politeness would be out of the window in my response to them.

sometimes they ARE naturally slim but still feel the need to comment on it for no reason I have ever been able to fathom.