My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

How would we ever know if they are or aren't naturally slim? The ones who blether on are definitely NOT hence the angst and waspishness around others eating.

I am a size 6 so by no means affected by these sort of comments or coming from a place of jealousy or bitterness- but I find these comments absolutely rude and disgusting. Nobody should comment on what someone else eats, ever or their weight. It's so bloody personal and nobody's business but the eater. Why would you want people to dread sharing a meal with you?

Have you ever come across anyone like this? Luckily I never have.

This is absolute BS, I knew plenty of slim healthy 40 year olds who are still slim healthy (not frail) 60year olds. This is turning into a slim bashing thread.

I have a good friend like this, competitive under-eating. Also a feeder. Lots of our social life revolves around restaurants with friends and on our own and it’s a nightmare.

She’ll encourage you to have a nice breakfast/lunch, then order a small soup or abstemious green salad. Finding a restaurant where she can eat anything on the menu is a torture. Sometimes we’ll all be eating steak, say, and all she’ll be able to eat is a tiny bowl of beans (no dressing, no onions, no garlic), looking forlorn.

Then there’s the excessive baking.

I can also no longer invite her home for a meal with friends, it’s just too restrictive. Very sad (when it isn’t maddening.)

Everyone here is so much nicer than me. If anyone was making those comments about what I was eating they'd be told very bluntly to keep their opinions to themselves.

I don’t think it’s a horrible thing to write about her SIL. A lot of Mumsnet is about people coping with difficult relatives or friends. It’s not as if her SIL knows what she’s written.

Well said.

IME people with eating disorders don't talk about it.
Disordered eating ("I'm so naughty having a biscuit") is another thing.

My mum fought cancer for 8 years before she died (11 years ago now) and obviously the last few months were very stressful. My then SIL spent the whole funeral telling me how wonderful I looked because I had lost weight! She was a competitive under eater too. I just thought F* you, I really don’t care! My weight fluctuates ( mainly upwards since menopause!!) and I would like to be lighter, but I am happy with myself and would really like women to support each other for who we are rather than what we weigh!

People with EDs are not one homogenous group. Everyone behaves differently.

I used to have a SIL that was like this. The snide comments about my size were continuous. If she came for a meal she used to help herself to the smallest portions, but take a "doggy" bag home though.

One day she said she'd been invited to a wedding, but had nothing suitable to wear. I offered to lend her a suit I'd just bought for myself in a sale. She tried it on. How I managed not to smile (or laugh out loud) when she could not fasten up the zip I do not know.

She never again had any comments on my weight.

I did say in my experience (close family members, a couple of colleagues, and a number of students).
I'm not speaking for everyone.

it's the persistence, I would imagine. Every family event, some snide comment.

They always do.

Slim people live on lettuce leaves, have eating disorders, are miserable, look terrible as they age blah blah blah. People just tell themselves whatever they need to so that they feel better when they look in the mirror.

Perhaps they genuinely feel they shouldn’t have the biscuit - nothing to do with you and your eating habits

I had a friend who was harbouring hate towards me as I didn’t eat enough in her opinion. It really upset me as i thought a lot of her and she was seemingly kind
it really was a shock but when I thought about it when we went out to have a shop and a cuppa she would say “ no not eating ive got food when I get home “
i would eat and not her .. ( go figure )
She would sit there quiet and watching me .. I got the heat coming off her and that was it I called it a day with her ..
inwas very upset
food and women is a very tricky area
she was overweight and had a disability and I did all I could to be a great friend.
That’s what made it even more upsetting.
I didn’t want to say bye but I was so uncomfortable around her attitude
She was very kind too at times .. ugh I was so conflicted ..

It's the SiL making comparisons. Didn't you read it?

Half my family are like this. It wasn't until I married DH that I realised what normal eating actually was. I always thought I was the "fat one" for doing things like eating lunch!

I don't know what to say to make you feel better, other than it's her issue.

I had a friend like that. I went on holiday with her once and she never ate breakfast or lunch and made me feel guilty and greedy for doing so. She told me that not many women ate lunch. She died over 20 years ago - far too young. I think her organs failed.

I had completely forgotten that song and yet read that line in his voice. Thats going on the Spotify playlist!

I wrote my post with DH's nan in mind😂she is horrendous for it lol but luckily we all just roll our eyes, annoyed me when DH's younger sibling bought their girlfriend to something though and she passed comment. She was only about 20 and so shy but dh's nan latches onto that.

Is it though? I genuinely do not care what size other people are or what they are or aren't eating. I do care though if I'm in company with somebody who cannot STFU about what other people are eating and whether they should be eating that thing or in that quantity.

It is boring. It is needless and very few (I'm being generous there) people, want to listen to that endless carping on.

Eat what you want to eat, weigh what you like - leave other people alone and stop talking about them and what they're eating.

My friend and I were lunching yesterday and saying how nice it is to eat with each other as we literally don't care what each other eats. Part of our larger group of friends are such hard work, always acting shocked if someone orders a side of chips or any potato based food, or starter and desserts. They will play about with their food and always leave some to make a point, it's very off putting and I avoiding eating one on one with a couple of them. It's real hard work and something they seem to need to prove. Both have very overweight grown up kids and I am sure there must have been some pressure on them as small children.

My MIL is like this! Even when I was pregnant or breastfeeding, I still couldn't eat more than the usual! I just eat my extra portions in private, and leave her miserableness to herself