My SIL is a competitive undereater and it's wearing me down

[OptimismvsRealism]

I don't have weight issues and I don't really care what other people do but it really sucks the fun out of every family social event.

It's part and parcel of her being "the beautiful one" in her youth and now just a pretty ordinary lady in her 40s. Like ok not ugly but who cares. She needs to be the thinnest and it annoys her if other people don't care who is thinnest. She is the only person I know who cares who is the thinnest!

Anyway I know a person should have compassion for eating disorders and I would except she tries to drag me down too.

That’s pretty disingenuous, this is an anonymous forum. There are many like Sil, she won’t identify herself.

Having children helped me perfect the death stare. They knew when they had that look from me that I was not happy without saying a word.

I'd be practising it in front of the mirror OP.... sometimes you don't need words.

Even if OP is overweight it's got sod all to do with SIL what she chooses to eat or wear.

I have a friend a bit like SIL, I don't think it's as pointed or related to an eating disorder, I think it's more she worries about being overly full, but it's just boring. I really don't care if she won't be eating any dinner after "this awfully big lunch" or if she was naughty and had a biscuit after she played tennis. The correct amount of discussion around what portion size someone is eating is Nil. If you can't finish something just leave it on your plate, or ask if you can get it boxed up.

I think it depends on what your own eating habits are like. My SIL has a terrible eating disorder. She will eat until she's full, and then go and throw it up so she can have more. It massively puts me off my food when I'm in het company. She probably thinks I'm a competitive undereater, but I literally cannot stomach food in her company knowing what she is up to. I cannot bear eating with her.

My dad does this. It was constant throughout my childhood (luckily only every other weekend). He "can't understand" how people can eat three meals a day and thinks that all women should barley eat like his borderline anorexic second wife. He's not particularly thin himslef but MY GOD does he only think women have value if they're thin. Constant comments about women's weight. I was a fat child (mother was a feeder) and then developed disordered eating which was sliding towards a full-blown eating disorder in my 20s. I went no contact with him for unrelated reasons and now have a much healthier relationship with my body and my eating habits.

The food police are bloody exhausting.

This is not about being identified it’s about bitching about the appearance of a close acquaintance. Anonymity doesn’t make that better.

I've known 3 women with diagnosed eating disorders. None would ever comment on anyone else's food or size, and all were very fearful of anyone commenting on theirs.

SIL is just obsessed and rude.

I wouldn't want that behaviour around girls for the reasons listed here by posters who were on the receiving end of it as children. If you have to eat with her, model a healthy attitude right back at her in a very bored tone and then ignore. 'this is a healthy portion'. 'It's a normal amount of food'. 'food is for fuel and pleasure' 'treats are part of a normal diet' ' I'm a healthy weight'
Or
'stop constantly banging on about everyone else's food you boring bitch'

Does she know she has an eating disorder?

She just sounds a pain, and I would performatively gorge down as much food as possible in her presence whilst saying: “you're so amazing, practically holy is your devotion to being a string. This cake is delicious though, you won’t mind if I have your portion; just think of it as a quick decade of the rosary”

The commentary (which is the competitive part), for sure. I wouldn't mind if she just drank black coffee and smoked a gauloise (metaphorically, not a fan of passive smoke). It's the "oo we'll all be STUFFED for the rest of the day after that!" and then somehow working in a comment on who has the smallest dress size.

Ive got a relative like this - whatever the topic of conversation she can manage to turn it around to how thin and delicate she is, and how small her appetite is. I’ve decided to stop being annoyed by this and just marvel at her ability to turn any conversation to focus on this.

A recent example was a conversation on how highly some watches are valued on the Antiques Roadshow, leading to a long monologue from her on how her extremely thin wrists mean she can’t find a watch that fits her.

It makes me go into competitive eating mode. I would be sure to have a pudding whether I wanted it or not and ensure I told everyone how delicious it was.

OP’s saying this about someone she knows really well - that’s what feels blb.

Yeah, her SIL. Not a friend. Someone she's related to, who likes to ruin events, make nasty comments about unattractive girls and try to spoil women's confidence by making them feel like heifers. Do that and people will push back.

Also talking about EDs as “your horrible disorder” is really off.

EDs are horrible. They wouldn't be disorders if they were lovely and fun. It's not a person's fault if they have a disorder but it's not anyone else's fault either, and constantly making shitty comments to make someone feel bad about eating is an attempt to spread that disorder.

Once you realise that what people say is really about them and their issues you don’t take this kind of stuff personally.

That's very enlightened and everything. But given you keep going back to my assertion that people don't generally look as objectively beautiful in their 40s as they do in their 20s, I don't really believe that you could spend all evening with someone wittering on at your elbow about how much you're eating and what a pig it makes you, and be totally zen. It's entirely possible not to take it personally, but still find it rude, obnoxious, joyless and downright irritating.

Edit: Actually I retract that bit about EDs not being anyone else's fault...it's clear from some posts that actually, some EDs are very much caused by another person. What I meant to say was, they are not likely to be the fault of the person now being subjected to endless commentary about how much they eat and how little the other person eats and everything is about how much everyone's eating...you know what I mean.

60% of adults in the UK are overweight or obese, it's a genuine public health crisis and it costs the NHS a bloody fortune.

We're in a ridiculous situation where it's deemed responsible and correct to address people with an eating disorder who are underweight, but people with an eating disorder who are overweight are not only to remain unaddressed but to be positively assured that it's fine as long as they're happy.

Have you tried telling her that you think looks are the least interesting thing about someone 🤣

You are not wrong OP weight, what you eat and look like is mind-numbingly dull and really sucks the joy out of other things. I think those people who feel for your SIL obviously find these things really important too.

This is nothing to do with obesity or eating disorders. Sil just sounds mean.

Well, we tried shaming them, making them the butt of many nasty jokes on popular sitcoms and denying them attractive clothes, but everyone just got fatter. Maybe a less shame-based approach would do better? Worth a try.

@NonPlayerCharacter EDs are horrible. They wouldn't be disorders if they were lovely and fun. It's not a person's fault if they have a disorder but it's not anyone else's fault either, and constantly making shitty comments to make someone feel bad about eating is an attempt to spread that disorder.

Totally disingenuous. The words you actually used were: “trying to spread your horrible disorder” - which is a revolting way to talk about an ED - dripping with disgust as if it were a shameful infection. It’s even a revolting way to talk about an infection.

Someone in the grip of a mental illness making depressed or anxious or food focused comments is not trying to spread their disease.

@NonPlayerCharacter But given you keep going back to my assertion that people don't generally look as objectively beautiful in their 40s as they do in their 20s, I don't really believe that you could spend all evening with someone wittering on at your elbow about how much you're eating and what a pig it makes you, and be totally zen.

What? You asked me a question, I answered it and it hasn’t been mentioned since!

If someone obviously has a problem whatever they say very clearly is not about you.

This

I'm not going to take lessons on being disingenuous from someone who claims they wouldn't take ongoing competitive undereating personally even while they can't let go of a simple statement that most people look objectively more attractive when they're younger.

EDs are horrible, and the competitive undereaters I know and have known were absolutely trying to spread it. That's literally the point of trying to ruin every occasion with it and make everyone put the same importance on appetite and body size as they do. It might not be their fault but it's still obnoxious.

If you really want to continue to tell me at length how terrible a human I am, you have my full permission to do it in IM. Let's let the conversation here go back to competitive undereating.

I think you either completely ignore her and cut every comment dead or call her out and confront her with how utterly stupid, pathetic and boring you all find her.

My mum is still like this at 88 (and the vanity with it - though she was genuinely beautiful). A person’s worth is basically their slenderness in her opinion. She is also the food police. When I put on weight in my pregnancies she was unable to say one sentence to me without the word ‘fat’ in it. My now adult children confronted her about it and she hasn’t stopped but she is a lot better.

Don’t put up with it. It’s likely because she has very low self esteem and the rest of her life is fucked up but that’s tough.

She sounds just like my MIL! Every time we go out for a meal she talks about how calories on the menu are the best thing to happen, and how she is a size 6.

She also couldn't possibly eat a pudding and if goes out for brunch that's her done for the rest of the day!

Drives me mad OP but i can never think of a comeback at the time that is funny and not bitchy. Blergh.

@NonPlayerCharacter while they can't let go of a simple statement that most people look objectively more attractive when they're younger.

What on earth are you talking about? “Can’t let go of”? I answered that comment and it hasn’t been mentioned since. What are you on?

Your attitude to ED sufferers is quite revolting, clearly you have issues of your own.

Yeah, I have. I'm hungry.

Please can you take this to IM if you really have to keep doing it?

Hate it when people make comments on what you eat, or how much or how quickly! So rude!

my MIL does this - mostly about the speed at which we eat. She is prob a size 16 and I’m a 10 - but she always bangs on about how quickly I eat and makes a point of eating so slowly and then telling everyone she can’t possibly finish her food.

she has told me repeatedly about the importance of eating slowly, I just tell her I enjoy eating quickly.

My SIL is like this but she is the size of a house so I don’t know who she is fooling, I always think she must have a secret binge eating disorder because she swears blind that she would never ever touch chocolate/biscuits/cake/dessert and can only manage the teeny tiniest portions and isn’t every one else so greedy that they can eat so much because she gets full soooo easily.

I feel sorry for her (but also hate her for different long and boring reasons).