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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

All I wanted when I got home from hospital was to be looked after by my dh

192 replies

Braindump09 · 16/06/2024 21:42

I've had an op.
Got home today. No drinks made for me. No dinner offered. He did ask once if I needed anything. That was asked as I was carrying the washing.i took delivery of the supermarket shop this afternoon. Put it all away. The op wasn't heart surgery but it was still quite a big one.i was under for 2 hours.
Feeling sad tonight

OP posts:
SerenityNowInsanityLater · 17/06/2024 10:06

It just tells you EVERYTHING, doesn't it? It's like, "Here's your own personal Marriage Mirror! Have a look!" You can't unsee a prick, can you? He's shown you exactly who he is and how much he thinks you're worth.
I'll never forget my mother explaining to me that our neighbour, lovely Mr. Silverman, was divorcing his wife of 30 years a few months after his bypass surgery because in sickness he'd learned who his wife really was: Unloving, uncaring. That stayed with me. Who they are in your sickness is who they are to the core. And I'd be following Mr. Silverman's lead on this one, OP.

I was in hospital. My artery tore while out on a walk. It caused a full blockage and I had a heart attack and collapsed on the street. Someone called an ambulance. I was blue lighted to A&E and met by the crash team as I went into cardiac arrest. Big stuff. Life changing. All of that. 6 months recovery. Anyway, my first night in cardiac ICU, my husband stayed home. Didn't come to see me. When he finally did, he came up to me and said, "I realise that I do love you after all." I was so sick and so unwell and so weak. But I remember putting a pin in that and thinking, "I'm not going to let that comment slide. When I get to the other side of this, I'll revisit it."

Four years later (and for many reasons, but the main one being that he is an absolute luxury size cunt) I am emancipated from that asshole.
I wish you, with all my heart, the same freedom, in time, and when you're ready, OP.

Lofoton · 17/06/2024 10:07

What a colossal prick. I'm so sorry op ☹️
Do you have children with this prince?

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 17/06/2024 10:16

What would have happened if you’d had to stay in hospital today ?

Sounds as though you are the default human to do everything.

pinkyredrose · 17/06/2024 10:18

ilovesushi · 17/06/2024 09:07

Is he an arse or is just emotionally dense? My DH is very willing to help but generally needs instructions and clear information.

You must be dying to shag a man who you have to treat like a child.

arethereanyleftatall · 17/06/2024 10:21

Braindump09 · 16/06/2024 22:37

Shop arrived at 1pm.he had gone back to bed as tired.
All i wanted was some tlc and consideration
He knows I've stropped off to bed after his behaviours at the football tonight, but seemingly isn't interested.

Well, you are NEVER EVER going to get TLC and consideration from this man.

NEVER.

First thing to do is realise that. Then decide what you want to do about it.

ThisOldThang · 17/06/2024 10:24

pinkyredrose · 17/06/2024 10:18

You must be dying to shag a man who you have to treat like a child.

Looking after somebody that's just had an operation is fucking obvious and the OP's partner is a selfish arsehole.

More generally, some people like to speak in code or just use moods to convey what they want. You can't expect somebody to read your mind, so clear communication is essential.

Grammarnut · 17/06/2024 10:29

Tell him to get his finger out, sort any housework left - don't you do any of it for at least a week - and do dinner, and thereafter ply you with snacks, drinks etc at need. Show him the recipe books and he can sort out a menu for the next fortnight. FFS, who does he think he is? Total prat.

Abi86 · 17/06/2024 10:42

cestlavielife · 16/06/2024 21:44

I think you should not have done the washing or shopping.
"I am feeling crap please do the washing/shopping"

an ounce of empathy would make this request unnecessary. XY chromosome does does not inhibit chores.

ilikemethewayiam · 17/06/2024 10:44

If a grown adult needs prior instructions on how to care about their spouse they don't deserve a fucking spouse.

^ This with knobs on! Seriously WTF!

MissMoneyFairy · 17/06/2024 10:48

Hospitals always advise patients not to lift or do heavy housework and the anaesthetic will make you feel unwell for a while after an operation. He sounds awful, I'd be seriously reconsidering this relationship

KreedKafer · 17/06/2024 10:53

I'm guessing this cuntishness hasn't just sprung from nowhere, has it?

beAsensible1 · 17/06/2024 10:54

OP stop doing it. if he's asleep get him up? You shouldn't be lifting and carrying anything at all.

If the wash needs doing, tell him to do it.
being a martyr gets you nowhere and sends the message you don't need help as you can get on with it.

if push comes to shove can you go to your parents fora bit of r&r, there's no way i'd be getting out of bed after an OP.

please fight and advocate for yourself. you deserve better than this.

richboy448 · 17/06/2024 10:55

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DancingNotDrowning · 17/06/2024 10:59

I am a man

Depending upon how bad my wife was (e.g. is she safe to be left alone), I'd take the kids to the park, shops, cafe, etc, so that she could sleep or potter in peace

funnily enough @ThisOldThang you didn’t need to mention you’re a man. That was so painfully obvious from your solution to a woman who needs food put away; school uniforms to be washed and a cup of tea and something to eat, being to fuck off out, sort your own snacks and leave her to “potter” 🙄🙄🙄

RosyappleA · 17/06/2024 11:00

Threads like this make me sad. I refuse to believe men can’t think that at a time like this their partner needs the extra help and they should sympathise with them and help them however possible WITHOUT needing to be asked. They aren’t toddlers. Even children understand as much. I hate how the majority seem to be so selfish and so I refuse to believe it is not intentional. I have a very large family and the good ones seem to be very rare sadly. Amazingly nice when they need something though!

richboy448 · 17/06/2024 11:00

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DancingNotDrowning · 17/06/2024 11:02

OP I assume this arsehole behaviour hasn’t sprung out of nowhere?

you’d probably have helped yourself by telling him when he meandered off to bed “the food will be here at 1pm, make sure you’re up” as well as saying that the washing needed doing.

Buy that’s an aside. He’s an arsehole. Get better and get rid.

Todaywasbetter · 17/06/2024 11:03

Yes, hes behaving badly. Were you surprised? I doubt it. Today have a bed day - you need to rest stop doing things the world won’t end.
Don’t make any long-term decisions wait till you’re stronger

Pr1mr0se · 17/06/2024 11:14

MariaVT65 - it clearly depends where you are based but it does happen.

HcbSS · 17/06/2024 11:25

You need to get strong enough to make an appointment at the solicitor's and then make plans to leave him. He has shown that he doesn't give a stuff about your wellbeing. So sorry OP, what an arsehole.

jackstini · 17/06/2024 11:54

I hope you got some sleep OP, you need serious rest after a GA. From personal experience, I felt worse 2 days after and it can take you 1-2 weeks to recover from the effects of GA, never mind any surgical recovery needed

Did you get any discharge advice from the hospital? If so then show it him

Stay in bed and write a list of what you need him to do ND GIVE IT HIM

Then write another list of steps to kick him out once you are well enough

How old are the DC, can they help with anything?

Stinkerantibiotic · 17/06/2024 11:58

medianewbie · 17/06/2024 10:05

My stbexH may 'not have been taught but nor was I. I learned to do things (sometimes badly tbh) because I want to help those I love. My ExH is a selfish pig. He doesn't want* to. OPs husband doesn't care. He isn't stupid He just doesn't care. Hence getting drunk when he was supposed to be on parental duty, let alone look after OP.
I'm teaching both my kids (1 M, 1 Fm) to do better: easy- they're good people!

Yup, it's basic humanity. Doesn't say much for men that so many haven't ever experienced it from them.

ThisOldThang · 17/06/2024 12:00

DancingNotDrowning · 17/06/2024 10:59

I am a man

Depending upon how bad my wife was (e.g. is she safe to be left alone), I'd take the kids to the park, shops, cafe, etc, so that she could sleep or potter in peace

funnily enough @ThisOldThang you didn’t need to mention you’re a man. That was so painfully obvious from your solution to a woman who needs food put away; school uniforms to be washed and a cup of tea and something to eat, being to fuck off out, sort your own snacks and leave her to “potter” 🙄🙄🙄

Having a five year old and a two year old screaming and shouting downstairs makes it pretty much impossible to sleep upstairs. Taking sole responsibility for the kids and providing some much needed peace and quiet is considered to be the considerate thing to do in our house.

It's also nice of you to immediately jump into man hating / sexist stereotypes.

FYI - I always to the kids laundry on a Saturday morning. I also shop, cook and clean. Can you believe that? In 2024?

notsofantastic · 17/06/2024 12:08

Focus on your recovery, when you are better ask yourself whether you want this future, see a solicitor, before you have another relationship think about your boundaries and make sure you maintain them.

DaisyChain505 · 17/06/2024 12:13

Braindump09 · 16/06/2024 21:47

He was in bed when the shop arrived.
If I hadn't answered the door, the delivery wouldn't have happened. I also had to wash school uniform for tomorrow. Watching the football tonight at home. He's had a drink - or 10- and screaming profanity at the TV and in the garden for the neighbours to all hear. I've come to bed in tears

If he was in bed when the shop arrived, wake him and tell him it’s there.

if the school uniform needed washing, tell him so he can get it in the machine.

Stop doing these things and make it clear that he has to.

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