All I wanted when I got home from hospital was to be looked after by my dh

[Braindump09]

I've had an op.
Got home today. No drinks made for me. No dinner offered. He did ask once if I needed anything. That was asked as I was carrying the washing.i took delivery of the supermarket shop this afternoon. Put it all away. The op wasn't heart surgery but it was still quite a big one.i was under for 2 hours.
Feeling sad tonight

I think the point is, she shouldn't have to ask.

He's an arsehole. You'd be better off if you left him op.

Well yes, but this person didn’t become a blithering idiot over night. This person has never met OPs needs and now she is mad. Setting expectations is the first part of a good relationship, if it hasn’t been done prior, now is as good a time as any.

she shouldn't have to ask but some people (including some women) have no medical sense and seem biology illiterate.
i've had surgeries when young (c/s) and made believe i was superwoman, just stupid and 100% my fault for giving the impression that i was above needing any help at any time.
now much older and have had 3-4 surgeries and i no longer play superwoman, i read dh the info, spell out the physical limitations, do some planning (offer to meal prep start with 100% clean bathroom and linen) and give dh some direction.
he doesn't seem to mind, asks appropriate questions and no one gets their nickers in a knot.

He's an ignorant, boorish oaf. Why are you with such a fuckwit?

He knows what your needs are at the moment but he chooses not to because the only person he cares about is himself.

Next time just tell him that you have been ordered to rest and he needs to wash school uniform and take the food in. Men are fucking bellends and need instructions.

However, if he is this useless when you’ve had surgery, then he is of no use to you at all and honestly you should speak to a solicitor about leaving him.

“Men are fucking bellends and need instructions

just the men you know. My husband and male friends/relations are normal
adults.

Awk love I'm so sorry. I'm chronically unwell and posts like this help me realise what a gem he is. He's so thoughtful and understanding and there are no limits to how much help he gives (and I try my best to return the effort in the ways I'm physically able).

This is just heartbreaking for you. Have you a good friend or family member who can come see you on Monday, and help out a bit and rest/hang out with them?

Your husband sounds selfish and absolutely useless. I'm sorry I don't have the answer, I just hope you're able to rest from now. Don't do the things, he can pick up the slack. I'm sorry, wish i knew what to say. 💓

I knew there’d be one. Let’s not pretend that the majority of women don’t have this issue with men.

’You didn’t do xyz’

’You didn’t ask me to’

All we needed to do was look at the amount of threads on here about how much everyone was let down on Mother’s Day. Let alone everything else.

Mumsnet isn’t actually representative of life. Spend your time around better people, and your outlook will be better

She can't change his behaviour or his character. He's obviously a selfish, nasty person. Unless he has a personal epiphany and does extensive work on himself, there is no real hope there.

Enabling doesn't create assholes. Only people who are assholes to begin with can be enabled in assholery.

Absolutely. I’ve known people like that. But I didn’t marry them and then be SHOCKED that they didn’t get miraculously better when I needed them to.

You are incredibly patronising. My outlook is not solely based on a forum i joined 35 years into my life.

“All we needed to do was look at the amount of threads on here about how much everyone was let down on Mother’s Day. Let alone everything else.”

you only offered evidence of your MN experience - not anything else.

Also I stand behind my statement that you clearly hang out with assholes. My experience with men does not reflect yours and so yours (nor mine) are the only options.

Did the shop include alcohol?
There is part of your problem.

You need to spell it out, plain as day:

"I've had an anaesthetic and an op.. sorry but you will have to be sober (under.02) in case a driver is needed for this home. Shopping will arrive about XX and you'll need to put that away and please hang out the uniform from the washing machine. Also read the list of what possibly needs doing on the table and please be in charge of the meals for the next 24 hours - starting with a cup of tea, marmite on toast and an orange for me. I'm off to lie down. I feel like a train wreck. Thanks lovey."

If husband can't HAPPILY listen and attend to family chores when you are sick he doesn't deserve to be in the family.

He sounds awful.but be honest, the washing didn't need doing today; it could've waited.

^^this

Or go to someone else who will be kinder to recover - parents/siblings/friends?

Surprised at the 10% YABU - really?

Men in my life aren't bellends - OH/DSs/DF/BILs/late DFIL. They are decent human beings - OP's DH isn't

He shouldn't need to be told all that, he should be doing his share anyway.

Martyrdom isn't attractive. If you were doing the laundry and said no when he offered to get you something no wonder he took it at face value that you were OK. I'd have come in from my OP amd laid on the sofa and rwad/ watched tv and made it clear I didn't want to be up and about. And then family members would know to look after me Plus I'd have asked for what I needed

He sounds like a useless idiot really, he shouldn't need to be given instructions like a child to do basic household jobs and look after you when you're sick

A decent man wouldn't dream of behaving like this

That’s awful. After my open appendix surgery my ex went to the football the next day, leaving me alone with a 20 month old and 4yr old. His excuse was he thought my 15yr old son would be there, but he had gone to his grandma’s early for Christmas, it wasn’t his responsibility to look after me. Of course he could have not gone when he realised, but still did. We split up soon after, and to be fair he really did look after me and kids when I had a major surgery 6/7yrs after we split. He came every day to the hospital, a 3hr round trip and came over every day to cook dinner for the kids and wash up. He’s a better ex than he ever was partner

Martyrdom will get you a hernia OP if you’re not careful. I agree you need to reach out to wider family if your partner is as useless and selfish as he seems to be

I 100% agree with you. When my husband says "you should have asked" I reply :

"So I have to ask everything, forever.... making it all my responsibility?? What's your own head for?"

I know lots of women hate 'Not all men are like that' comments (with good reason) but if you're going to make stupid and just plain inaccurate comments like 'men are bellends' then a perfectly valid respons is to point out to you that not all men are like that.

Can you get any adult to care for you today?
I am worried your hungover H will be selfishly ignoring you again.

This is all really shocking to read. The contempt he is showing you is awful.
Please don't let this slide or ignore it or shrug it off.
He deliberately neglected you and incapacitated himself so you couldn't ask him to pick up some chores or be responsible.

Horrible behaviour. Wishing you a speedy recovery @Braindump09