All I wanted when I got home from hospital was to be looked after by my dh

[Braindump09]

I've had an op.
Got home today. No drinks made for me. No dinner offered. He did ask once if I needed anything. That was asked as I was carrying the washing.i took delivery of the supermarket shop this afternoon. Put it all away. The op wasn't heart surgery but it was still quite a big one.i was under for 2 hours.
Feeling sad tonight

What time did the shop
come? Why was he in bed?

Unless you’d ordered a shop to come at 8am after he’d done a night shift, that sounds rather useless on his behalf.

Shop arrived at 1pm.he had gone back to bed as tired.
All i wanted was some tlc and consideration
He knows I've stropped off to bed after his behaviours at the football tonight, but seemingly isn't interested.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

I can't understand why women stay with men like this.

OP, he's a selfish cunt. You shouldn't have to ask him to step up, he should just do it because being in a relationship is about caring for each other in times of need and to be considerate.

I hope you have a speedy recovery.

He sounds like he’s got a drink problem and is a lazy selfish git. I would be making plans to get rid as soon as you’re well and definitely making it clear to him that he should be letting heavy stuff and generally looking after you! Not that you should have to but he’s obviously not going to step up.

He's a selfish twat.

I'd only been with DH a few months when I had major spinal surgery - we didn't even live together, but he stepped up and did EVERYTHING for about 6 weeks and made sure the heaviest thing I lifted was a kettle.

I feel for you op, I really do x

Why dont you just say it? Its easier if you ask him to do stuff and make food for you.

This is so horrible 🥲 makes me realise why I’m single and how no man has ever been good enough compared to how my own dad is and how I won’t accept anything other than someone who is as wonderful as him.

my mum had a major op a month ago and recovery time is quite long. My 78 yr old dad hasn’t let her lift a finger since. He dresses her, washes her, makes her food, helps her with physio, holds her up when she tries to walk, does the shopping, cleans the house, helps her on and off the stair lift (which he got installed when she was in hospital), phones her family and friend to give them updates, times and counts out her medication. All of that and he hasn’t had to be asked once. The love and respect he has for her is beyond anything I’ve seen. He won’t even leave the house to go for a walk (which he loves) without one of us being there to check she’s safe whilst he’s out. He’s utterly selfless.

this is the kind of man all of us should expect to be with. So many of the posts on MN about people’s partners are utterly heartbreaking

When did you have the surgery and what was it? Did the docs not recommend rest?

Goodness some of the men I read about on mumsnet are absolutely useless. This man doesn't care about you so when you are feeling better make a plan to get rid of him. My DH would have been running round doing everything to allow me to rest as I did when he had heart surgery a few years ago. In sickness and in health doesn't seem to apply with some men. Appalling and you deserve better.

I'm really sorry that you've been ill and that you have come home to this.

I think it's time you made plans. He really doesn't give a shit about anyone else does he? You don't need to plan to go immediately but I think it would be a really good idea to start to see it as a possibility.

I hope you feel better soon 💐

Bless him. 🥹 We should all be so lucky to be loved like that. 🩷

Why do some women put up with such awful, useless men? Men that show how little they care.

My husband, and the husbands of virtually every woman I know, would not let me lift a finger if I’d had an operation. I wouldn’t even have to think about anything other than resting and recovering.

This is normal, OP. Not what you’re having to deal with.

I know it's hard because you've been ground down, but you have to put yourself first and leave this relationship.

So if he’d had surgery, just got home from hospital would you get pissed, have a sleep then scream at the TV while he did laundry and fetched shopping in ? Thought not.
LTB.

He sounds lovely

As soon as you are well enough, run like your hair is on fire. Scum like him never get better, but they do get worse in ways that impact your safety. I'd say there is a high risk of DV if you stay with him.

Did you talk to him about your needs in advance or since you got home?

some people aren’t natural caregivers and just being a martyr isn’t changing anything

Get well OP. Then get free. This man does not meet minimum standards of a human adult, let alone a life partner.

Seriously? If he has to be told that a person who has just had an operation needs rest and help, he's too stupid to live. A person that stupid would forget to breathe and die of oxygen deprivation.
That isn't it. He knows. He just doesn't care.

lol. Ok.

I wouldn’t have married the idiot, but OP doesn’t seem shocked at his lack of awareness so has probably been enabling it for years. She’s paying for that now. At this point all she can do is try to change a lifetime of enabled behavior

Please leave. You deserve better.

People need to take care of each other.

It makes me angry and sad that he didn't even make you a drink or something like toast or soup and say to rest. No you're not at death's door but you are under the weather and tired.

Is he difficult to speak to? Because a tricky conversation is coming up.

so It’s possible a decent man might have been tired, having woken up early to take his wife to the hospital. Then spending the morning worrying about her having surgery. Once the rush of adrenaline is over and you get home, the body might crave sleep.

if you knew he was a decent man though, you would have given him a push and told him that he needed to get up, start the wash, and wait for the delivery. Also get you drinks and snacks. Because you would know that telling him he had responsibilities would be met with an affirmation. He might have grumbled a bit because he is legitimately tired, but he would have done everything and then done whatever else was needed.

Oh feck off with this permissive bullshit, he shouldn't need instructions on how to give a shit about the health and wellbeing of the person he's supposed to love and cherish.

If a grown adult needs prior instructions on how to care about their spouse they don't deserve a fucking spouse.