All I wanted when I got home from hospital was to be looked after by my dh

[Braindump09]

I've had an op.
Got home today. No drinks made for me. No dinner offered. He did ask once if I needed anything. That was asked as I was carrying the washing.i took delivery of the supermarket shop this afternoon. Put it all away. The op wasn't heart surgery but it was still quite a big one.i was under for 2 hours.
Feeling sad tonight

I have learnt over the years to never expect even basic care from the men in my life. Most are simply not taught how to or to even consider offering.
It's crap and sad and lonely but we need to teach our sons better.

Stop playing the martyr for this selfish cunt. You aren't going to teach him how to treat you by demonstration. You could try spelling it out for him, but I highly doubt that would work.

The reason being, he doesn't love you. Not because of you, but because of him. He's an arsehole lacking in the ability to care adequately for anyone. Most people would treat their worst enemy better than he treated you yesterday, out of empathy for a suffering human.

What kind of person needs to be TOLD to have their partner take it easy after an operation??? Come ON!

Leave him unless this is something you are happy to live with.

For all of you saying that she needs to tell him what needs doing - do you really think this man who has knocked back 10 drinks and was yelling profanities in the garden would step up?
A man who didn't think that before he got rat arsed, he had better step up, as his wife had just come out of hospital?
I am guessing not.

You're still blaming OP? Nice.

Lol. [See how that takes the sting out of things? Lol.]

He’s a horrible, useless person. LTB.

Look after yourself and no one else. If you have kids organise a babysitter if possible. Do nothing else.

I'm a man.

OP's partner sounds like an arsehole.

Depending upon how bad my wife was (e.g. is she safe to be left alone), I'd take the kids to the park, shops, cafe, etc, so that she could sleep or potter in peace.

Several posters have suggested that the OP should state what she needs from her husband.

As others have said, she shouldn't have to. However, even if she were to tell him what she expects from him, I doubt that he'd step up.

My experience of being let down doesn't relate to my husband, but to his adult children. When I had what appeared to be a serious medical problem, I phoned his daughter in order to state that he would need care if anything happened to me. (I'm realistic. I didn't expect them to offer him a home with them; I knew that it would be a care home.)

To my astonishment, I was asked "You're not thinking of leaving him, are you?"

I again stated what the situation was and gave her the number of the emergency line for the local Social Work department.

When I got the all clear, I phoned again to pass that on but also to reiterate that care would need to be put in place for DH if anything did happen to me. The response was: "But you're all right, aren't you?"

If someone is being intentionally useless, you can spell things out as much as you like - it will make not one whit of difference.

he absolutely should step up without being asked but as that seems impossible then @Braindump09 you MUST rest to recover so tell him what needs done. If you answer the door to the shopping have it put in the porch/hall and then get dh up and tell him he has to put it away. Tell him to wash the school uniforms. This is about your long term health not the principle you must rest to recover.

Your H sounds like a selfish idiot...HOWEVER... my DH would do absolutely anything for me and frequently does 'nice' or 'helpful' things for me that I don't actually want him to do instead of the things I would prefer him to do. I find I have to tell him, in no uncertain words, what I need and what would be helpful because otherwise he just doesn't know.

I'm not sure whether this would have worked with yours... but maybe actually asking him to do things and telling him why you can't do it would have been the way to go?

My darling DH gets things very very wrong sometimes (thinking of the lovely meal he cooked for me when I got back from a 2-week hospital stay when my first ever chemo infusion made me dangerously ill - I wasn't able to eat it and he got upset) but he sincerely loves to do things for me, so it's easier for us both if I just tell him what I need.

Is he an arse or is just emotionally dense? My DH is very willing to help but generally needs instructions and clear information.

Pretty sure he's an arse. He got drunk and yelled abuse in the garden. That doesn't happen by accident. If nothing else surely SURELY he would have offered OP the opportunity to get into bed or lie on the sofa with a nice cup of tea.

I don't understand really as you've not given much detail. Did you tell him in advance about the shopping delivery and ask him to deal with it? If so what did he say? Did you ask him to wash the school uniform? If so what did he say? Or did you not ask?
Him not looking after you, after an Op is poor though. You would expect any decent person to set you up on the sofa with a blanket, drink, snack etc. and the remote and ask you if you need anything etc.

You need to not do anything else and like someone else suggested get your PJ's on and get to bed. Let him pick up the slack.

I just can't believe men sometimes? I know this was asked earlier but are they just dense or do they not care? I have lovely men in my life but now I think of it some of them probably would be like this, which is awful for their families, I also have personl experience & it's just incomprehensible that they can be so blind to the obvious, mental or physical

I'd be inclined to phone the hospital and tell them that I have no support at home to recover and get readmitted.

As if they give a shit.

Why are you being a martyr?

If you are doing all that he thinks a) you're capable b)you want to

He isnt a mind reader

Plus, don't do any jobs. You are recovering from a major operation so you shouldn't be lifting and bending for a start. Also, obviously no cooking for anyone. Doing these things will delay your recovery and possible cause complications which would put you back in hospital so it's in his own interest to help you. 💐

OP this so so sad and he sounds utterly selfish. My DH completely pulls his weight anyway but I had a big op at the beginning of the year and he stepped right up. Cleaning, washing, cooking, putting food delivery away and absolutely everything. He totally looked after me even buying thoughtful gifts to make me feel a bit better.

I also told DH how long it was likely to be before I could get back to various tasks so it was all spelled out. Perhaps you need to be more blunt too telling him exactly what's needs doing and what you need to recover.

You deserve better.
What advice would you give to your DC if they had a partner like this?

💐for you OP. Rest, get well, get stronger and end this hideous relationship. Life is short. Get this subpar specimen out of your life. You will be SO much happier.

I’m sorry, you do need to rest. Operations take a toll on your whole body and mental health for days after the op and then you have the recovery of the bit of you that was operated on. Your dh is an absolute self centred, unloving horrible man, who is clearly never going to be there for you. If you can’t go and stay with family/friends, or get someone to stay with you, don’t leave your bedroom, order food and drink from Just Eat (just for you) and concentrate solely on recovery ( and your plan for leaving the dick)

I had surgery recently, was recovering on a woman’s ward, several men rocked up to pick up/visit their partners, all booming voices, no consideration for anyone there. One of them had come to pick up his wife who had day surgery, on his motorbike. When she told him he should have come in the car, he had a full on strop and called her ungrateful and selfish. There’s a lot of shit men out there, and he wasn’t even the worst one I saw that day.

My stbexH may 'not have been taught but nor was I. I learned to do things (sometimes badly tbh) because I want to help those I love. My ExH is a selfish pig. He doesn't want* to. OPs husband doesn't care. He isn't stupid He just doesn't care. Hence getting drunk when he was supposed to be on parental duty, let alone look after OP.
I'm teaching both my kids (1 M, 1 Fm) to do better: easy- they're good people!